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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless "auntie" in pandemic

466 replies

katrinbaker · 19/01/2021 11:30

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 19/01/2021 12:27

I agree that you’re choosing not to contribute!

My friend has older kids so there’s no minding anyone and she can’t currently see them.

She often shares photos of herself curled up with a glass of wine, her dog, and Netflix. I don’t begrudge it. I’m delighted for her.

And I’m glad of a glimpse into her life - it’s just a way to communicate when there’s not really anything to say.

merrygoround51 · 19/01/2021 12:27

Everyone thinks this pandemic is particularly worse for them. In reality it’s tough for everyone but those of us with safe warm homes and enough food are doing better than many.

In saying that you should post a pic of your feet up with a glass of wine in front of the TV at around 6 and see what they all say Smile

Jennifer2r · 19/01/2021 12:29

For people who live with others - family members and children - please stop going on about how single people have space and relaxation etc. I've never spent so much time alone in my entire life. It's depressing. I want a cuddle. I'm sad. Allow me to be. Please.

MouseholeCat · 19/01/2021 12:29

So much insensitivity here. At least one of my single friends who lives alone has become depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts through the lockdowns. There are plenty people from all walks to life struggling, it doesn't take much to listen to them vent and support them through it.

OP, I'm really sorry this is how things are for you right now. Yes, I do think it's insensitive- friendship should be two way and it's not if you are being dismissed when you contribute something. I really hope this whole situation ends soon and you can regain some normalcy.

rowlandsden · 19/01/2021 12:30

Op I bet they are secretly jealous of you as I am with my childless single friends. I wished I was single and didn't have child this year, I wish this pandemic happened 5 years ago. Do you know how hard it is to entertain kids all day long for the unforeseeable? I wish I could just sit and do nothing just for one day. Before the pandemic it was ok as time went by quickly with a good social calendar but being at home, I am at my wits end. I am yelling more, I have let myself go. My sister is in her mid 20's and she is enjoying her life as a single and child free woman sending me pics of her work outs, her prime movies with a glass of wine and bubble baths. I just wish I could be her right now, she is bought her self art and paint brushes just generally taking it easier. Enjoy your alone time and update your friends and families of your single child free life!

LetMeBubble · 19/01/2021 12:30

You can bubble up with someone who is in desperate need for childcare as you are alone and they have kids and need a childcare bubble..

That way you can contribute as well as coo. It’s a win win.

And you might enjoy spending time with their dc too.

Jennifer2r · 19/01/2021 12:31

Haha 'make the most of your alone time'. I'll add it to the list of ridiculous things said to single people during a pandemic.

MECmad · 19/01/2021 12:31

Whilst I understand that you feel that this might be insensitive, did you ever think that pre-lockdown when you were going out to the pub, for dinner etc. & putting it on facebook might be insensitive to those with kids who can't go out.

From what you have said, it seems that people are keeping in regular contact so you are not so lonely. As they are in lockdown, there is not much else that they can talk about.

You are an adult - walk away from facebook if you don't like it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/01/2021 12:32

I have sent photos of what I'm up to and get the response that my lockdown looks so easy in comparison to theirs

I get this - but the OP's SM friends are making their childed lockdowns look like paradise on Earth and openly soliciting cooing comments. It thus seems appropriate to respond in kind.

Bluesername · 19/01/2021 12:33

No doubt all those wanting to swap with the OP aren't serious and actually 'wouldn't have it any other way'.

MaMaD1990 · 19/01/2021 12:34

@Blusername this made me howl!

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2021 12:34

Can you explain what you mean by not being expected to contribute? Do you mean they post their own updates but don’t ask how you are or what you’re up to?

Are you asking them or are they just offering their own news? If you’re not asking then I agree that it’s okay and expected for everyone to update as and when with whatever info they like and you can do the same.

OwMyNeck · 19/01/2021 12:35

For people who live with others - family members and children - please stop going on about how single people have space and relaxation etc. I've never spent so much time alone in my entire life. It's depressing. I want a cuddle. I'm sad. Allow me to be. Please

And vice versa, don't be going on about how women with families have it so much easier. I have never spent so much time never ever alone in my life. It's depressing. I want a break. Allow me to be as well.

Everyone has it hard in different ways. Stop competing for some kind of misery medal, you're only hurting yourself.

LetMeBubble · 19/01/2021 12:36

Jennifer2r and OP!

Are you in a support bubble ?

If not, find someone looking for a childcare bubble and ask them to be in their support bubble instead. Both of you would benefit.

I’m totally looking for one of my friends to do that with me!! Especially those feeling lonely.

I’m happy to spend quality time with them as I very much need it too, while we coo over the kids and entertain them so I don’t have to be constantly engaging my brain in toddler activities.

Are you helping your case ?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/01/2021 12:36

I wish I could just sit and do nothing just for one day.

We all do. But it isn't just one day for those who live alone during the pandemic its constant.

The same as those who are alone wish they could have one of these cosy family days, but it wouldn't be the same living it every single day.

Hopefully life gets back to some semblance of normal this year for everyone's sake.

LBOCS2 · 19/01/2021 12:36

I've had this conversation with a very close friend of mine who lives alone and was furloughed and then made redundant during the first lockdown. We agreed that we are having diametrically opposite experiences of the pandemic (I have three DC aged between 4-13 and every new announcement from the govt means a whole raft of extra work for my team and me) and it's still really shit for both of us.

I send her pics of my kids in the snow. She sends me pictures of her Christmas decorations (which have been dubbed 'winter illuminations' now as she has no intention of taking them down before the clocks change as they make her happy). We chat after my dc are in bed to give us both some adult contact.

Have you tried talking to your friends about your situation? Because if they're good friends they will want to support you. Even if it's by telling you that the day has been an absolute shit show and the picture they sent represented the ONLY time they'd smiled for the last 24hrs. I hope you get the support you (and we all) need.

Janegrey333 · 19/01/2021 12:36

@katrinbaker

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

They seem to think the minutiae of their child centred lives is of huge interest to everyone.
Calamitypatch · 19/01/2021 12:37

Honestly this is crap for everyone. There was a thread just up from yours about a single mum with an 11 month old... Almost had me in tears (as well as the one about the young self harming because they were so fed up).

So far, practically the whole of the mum and baby's first year together has been spent in the shadow of this damn pandemic without having a partner to lean on. Poor girl will have none of what I remember from my first years with my babies. It sounds trivial but friendships borne from meeting other mums with babies at baby groups etc formed in those first weeks/months were a lifeline and kept me sane when we weren't in a pandemic. It really struck a chord with me. Nothing and no one will come out unscathed.

I'm a parent of young teens and a disabled child. Different set of crap to trying to occupy toddlers and younger children but still crap. I'm glad I haven't got the other issue I've read stories about of the poor older teens, young adults that are coming of age and now they are housebound away from their friends just when they reach the age of independence from their parents and discovering the world.

It's shit for everyone OP. The only people who aren't suffering quite as much are those that truly enjoy isolation and whose lives haven't changed too much but everyone's lives have been affected either directly or indirectly by this bloody virus. Thanks to everyone.

Makingnumber2 · 19/01/2021 12:37

Totally get why it would be making you feel a bit urgh. Maybe mute the chat for a bit? Take a break from cutesie pics etc.
Perhaps start a new chat with some of the same friends but with a different theme that won't allow for kid pics- like lockdown life recommendations- place to recommend cocktails to make at home, best bingeworthy series on netflix etc?
My friends that have kids have a side separate chat group for dull child chat like sleeping issues, best nappies etc. as we are conscious our friends without children are unlikely to find that riveting and do'nt want them to feel left out. It help keeps our main group chat fun and adult and occasionally we might share a kid pic but mainly we share rude memes which let's be honest are way more fun to look at Wink

Jennifer2r · 19/01/2021 12:37

In addition, please know that if your single friend is saying they're struggling and upset, suggesting yoga or forming a bubble or a bubble bath is about as useful as me suggesting Joe Wicks or a walk in the park to someone with kids. We've all heard that advice. We all (parents and non parents) want compassion.

reluctantbrit · 19/01/2021 12:38

See it the other way round. Since last March I had one day where DH and DD were out of the house for more than one hour. And I had to work, so not really relaxing for me either,

I am desperate for some peace for myself. Normally DD is on several weekend Scout camps and DH travels several times a year so I have time for myself.

I do enjoy baking, playing board games and going for a walk and I may put pictures on Facebook about it. But that’s not more than pre-COVID and I would happily stop baking for 2 days peace on my own.

Also, reality outside these pictures is stress with home schooling, DD’s frustration not being able to hang out with friends or do her hobbies away from a laptop screen.

I doubt everyone who posts these updates and pictures loves every minute of lockdown. Far from it.

WheresTheEvidence · 19/01/2021 12:38

I'm a childless auntie, I work full time outside of the home but live alone and am really struggling with my mental health. I live for the photos and videos my sister sends me of my niece. I usually get a photo but she won't ask much about my life but thats our relationship but the fact she thought to send me a photo helps alot during this tough time!

Ideasplease322 · 19/01/2021 12:38

I am a childless auntie. I love seeing pictures and videos. Makes me feel part of things.

Yes I am lonely, and to be honest I had never experienced loneliness before this and it is awful.

But lots of people in the same boat and I am lucky that people out there are thinking of me and sending me updates.

And there is nothing else going on in their lives, so kid pics are all they have. Like me with the cat pics😂🥲

2bazookas · 19/01/2021 12:39

Yes, I'm afraid you are rather insensitive to the stress parents and young families are under just now. Brace up, you can do better.

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2021 12:40

@2bazookas

Yes, I'm afraid you are rather insensitive to the stress parents and young families are under just now. Brace up, you can do better.
Oh bugger off with this. People without kids aren’t clueless. The op is struggling and she can “do better”? Ffs. Biscuit