Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

[SnuggyBuggy]

How are they contacting you? Could you give the good old need a break from social media excuse? Maybe discreetly keep in touch with someone that doesn't do this.

[Lottapianos]

'Having only yourself to worry about is not being more affected, but less. '

Nice it's that famous parental empathy at play again.....

OP, I completely get why you're struggling and finding their messages insensitive. Some parents (as you can see on this thread) think they are the only people who are allowed to complain about lockdown being tough. It just adds to the feelings of loneliness because you're supposed to be thrilled to bits with all your 'free time' and 'peace and quiet', but its really not that simple. And you're right, it's really tough to know how to share these feelings, because feeling like this is still a taboo. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone

[AdventureIsWaiting]

I wouldn't be too jealous...their cutesy photos are probably a total facade and they're probably tearing their hair out.

According to my honest parent friends, this is exactly it. They are mostly at the end of their tethers and jealous of my childfree situation. Also, if I'm being honest, I think a lot of parents with younger children don't have much else to talk about, even in normal times; I've noticed as my friends have started having children that the conversations change to being at least 50% about their children, until they are late primary age and parents get more childfree time. I don't mean this as parent-bashing, but if you're spending 16 hours a day (or more!) dealing with young children and often work on top (and who wants to talk about work?), your options for starting non-child related conversations are going to be limited.

Additionally, some (!) kids are cute and - as a childfree person - I quite enjoy seeing snaps or short of my friends kids doing cute or funny things, it breaks up the monotony of lockdown. Maybe your friends don't realise that it's not the same for you - just tell them?

It sounds like you're a single adult household; can you bubble with someone?

[user1493413286]

I’ve been sending stuff like that and I’m now wondering if it’s insensitive; I thought that the family member I was thinking of would like to still know how the kids are/what we’re doing when we can’t see each other. Also my days are filled up trying to entertain the kids and keep sane so I’ve got very little else to talk about which is depressing in itself.
I don’t think anyone has it easy at the moment and I’m not sure comparing helps anyone

[CleverCatty]

oh FGS - you're jealous of parents with DC?!

Neighbours on both sides have DC, one has 3 ranging from 4 to 11, the other has an almost 6 month old baby.

The neighbour with the 3 DC is coping OK but I know she finds homeschooling hard, whereas the one with the baby is currently finding it hard as her baby just developed an egg allergy but is also having trouble sleeping yet the DM has to return when baby is 6 months to be able to pay the mortgage on their house.

I can assure you that apart from park etc trips neither of these families is having a 'fun' lifestyle.

I'm also single but older than you and I get DNiece and DNephew cute baby whatsapp updates but I get on with my life, make the best of it and coo/send nice things to help them. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be my DB currently caring for a toddler 5 days a week, all day every day!

[PositiveNegative]

Same storm / different boat.

I'm sure they'd love it if you offered to read their kids a story over zoom or look over their maths homework with them.

You might need them one day.

[Seeline]

@pepsicolagirl

That is genius. The fact that I have barely been alone since last March is really getting to me. Having to tell the family when I am going out and why and then others saying ooh yes - I'll come too.... That doesn't happen with shopping though.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

You aren't expected to contribute? Who said that?

This pandemic is having a massive impact on everyone. Everyone is looking at the circumstances of others wistfully, the grass is always greener, until you get there.

Start contributing to the chat, and they will feel the same way that you do now I guarantee it.

Either that or leave the chat.

[Viviennemary]

You seem awfully self centred. If you don't want to comment then Don't. Or put a few posts up about what you've been doing. A total non issue.

[FTMF30]

You're being a little self-centred. This lockdown is affecting people differently. Modt simgle people can bubble with another household. From someone else's perspective, they would see the simgle person as being better off; being able to get time to themselves but go and visot someone for a change of scenery.

Are you shielding? Is this specifically about your friends/family having kids or more that they have company in general?

[cachedelete]

My three best friends are childless and spending a lot of time 'relaxing', eating fancy takeaways and taking socially distanced walks together. My photos of crafts and baking represent generally the five minutes of each day I didn't feel like life one was endless carousel of work/homeschool/housework/kid-entertaining.

I feel for those who are alone and would like to be dating etc., but don't think they are 'disproportionally' affected.

[OwMyNeck]

Nice hmm it's that famous parental empathy at play again....

Only when you take it out of context. It's simple maths that if you have 3 kids, every rule, announcement, lockdown etc means you have 4 people affected that you have to deal with, yourself and 3 children. 4 people to look after, to mind, to think about, instead of one.
Obviously (as I said) everyone is in different circumstances and feels differently, but if you're talking literally, of course the person with kids is more affected by it in that sense.
It's not a competion of who is worse off though.

[GabsAlot]

why cant you bubble with someone

who says you cant contribute

i am so grateful i dont have children right now i cant tell you my dsis is slowly cracking up at home with hers and theyre quite good kids

[NameChange84]

I think the comments on here along the lines of being glad for alone time, only having yourself to think about etc are very insensitive.

It’s not a night away from the kids in a nice hotel.

It’s been nearly a year of complete solitude. No physical contact at all from another human being. No face to face chats. Silence in the house from the moment you wake up til the moment you go to sleep. The only face you see in real life is your own in the mirror. Utterly isolated. Utterly alone. As I say, I’ve had to Shield so it’s been a bit different than some single people who could do meals out in the summer or socially distanced get togethers.

Solitary confinement has been a punishment for years. We know how badly it affects mental health. It’s a completely unnatural way of living and the vast majority of people, unless they are a hermit by nature, will struggle a lot with it. It’s not just about missing “dates” and glasses of wine out etc. It’s about missing feeling like an actual person who exists and matters to anyone.

[Busygoingblah]

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You are just seeing it from your side.

I'm home with dh and two school aged kids. We don't have any single person households to bubble with and have no childcare needs. So it's the four of us. That's it. For a year now (in an area which has been in lockdown for the majority of the time since March 2020).

Do I get bitter at the single people who can bubble with a family to see a change of face? A bubble which, each lockdown, they can change so keep it mixed up? A single person who can go for a walk with another perspn (which I can't do as I have the kids)?

We are all having a shit time OP

This is such an insensitive and patronising post that just illustrates how people that live with their families don’t get it.

It’s not a change of face if you’re seeing no one else, it’s the only face you see. Due to work commitments I can see my bubble once a week. That leaves 6 days a week when I’m alone. You’ve got 3 other people in your house for company all the time. I’d much rather have someone I can see in the evening after work.

I’m not sure what’s stopping you meeting one person for a walk either. I’m assuming your DH is capable of being left alone with your kids. You could easily still take it in turns to meet one person for a walk.

[BlingLoving]

It's not insensitive, no. This is THEIR life.

I'm actually really tired of the competitive, "my life is harder in Covid than your life so you need to be tearing your clothes and rubbing ashes on your face in sympathy with me".

I hope that I am sensitive to the different ways its hard for different people right now and I wouldn't dream of, for example, saying to my single colleague who is going crazy in her small flat, "well, your life is much easier than mine" because it's not. her life is hard in one way and mine is hard in another.

But that doesn't mean I'm not going to acknowledge that my life IS hard right now and that I AM struggling. because I am. And I'm ALSO not going to refrain from trying to highlight when things are good - and certainly DH and I spend time reminding ourselves of how things ould be a lot worse for us.

It's not a bloody competition. There are very few people who are completely unaffected and happy during this period and if we can't understand that everyone has different challenges to overcome then frankly we are not very nice people.

[AnneButNotHathaway]

Oh, I wouldn't be jealous here, OP. A cute picture is just a cute picture, but there is a whole world of stress and worry behind it

[1WayOrAnother2]

I don't think that they are all getting at you OP.

It is fairly usual to find pictures of cute children, sweet puppies and fluffy kittens uplifting (look at all the calendars with such themes) and so in these dull times a welcome distraction from the same old enclosing walls .

Your friends/family probably intend to be making your day better.

A person struggling through intensification of tantrums/feeding troubles/home-schooling/non-sleeping/daily drudgery that goes with lock-down parenting , might not expect to find a child-free person feeling any envy :)

[StopTheTrainWantToGetOff]

Why not find somewhere to volunteer at the weekends/evenings?

MY DC are adults but we are supporting a food charity, driving people to vaccinations and walking dogs of people self isolating.

You would have all those cute dog picture for insta? (slightly scarcity comment)

[mindutopia]

I imagine they are sharing it because it's literally all they are doing with their days. I have 2 dc, but I also used to have a fun life, big London job, time to myself, meals out, drinks, reading, relaxing. Now all I can tell people about is what I do with my dc, because honestly I don't really have a chance to do anything else. I'm never alone. Never get to go anywhere, always catching up on work in whatever free time. I have single friends who are always asking for us to have Zoom drinks, and I'm like, gah, no, when is there time? When is there energy?!

But I think it's perfectly okay to tell someone you are struggling and the reasons why. You don't have to say, I feel depressed every time you send me a photo of your kid. But you can tell them how hard it is for you to be alone right now. If they are a good friend, they'll do their best to support you.

[Sugarhouse]

I send these to a family group at there request I may add. The get the cute pictures but don’t see the stress of being stuck at home with two Tiny children I love them to bits but dream of all the things I could have got done in lockdown if it was before they arrived.

[OllyBJolly]

As a mother of adult children not living at home I am so grateful I didn't have this to contend with when mine were young. From the outside, it looks hellish. Not only trying to keep kids amused but home schooling, no activities, no swimming, no babysitting, no escape. I do not know of any parents who are finding this easy.

My own existence is a bit lonely and boring and one of the few bright spots is seeing photos and videos of GC, nieces and nephews.

[FTMF30]

@NameChange84

I think the comments on here along the lines of being glad for alone time, only having yourself to think about etc are very insensitive.

It’s not a night away from the kids in a nice hotel.

It’s been nearly a year of complete solitude. No physical contact at all from another human being. No face to face chats. Silence in the house from the moment you wake up til the moment you go to sleep. The only face you see in real life is your own in the mirror. Utterly isolated. Utterly alone. As I say, I’ve had to Shield so it’s been a bit different than some single people who could do meals out in the summer or socially distanced get togethers.

Solitary confinement has been a punishment for years. We know how badly it affects mental health. It’s a completely unnatural way of living and the vast majority of people, unless they are a hermit by nature, will struggle a lot with it. It’s not just about missing “dates” and glasses of wine out etc. It’s about missing feeling like an actual person who exists and matters to anyone.

Having to shield and living alone during lockdown are two VERY different things.

It would be useful if OP could clarify which category she is in.

[SuperbGorgonzola]

I would say that parenting a small child is also solitary in different ways. There's little escape with small children as your attention is always demanded to generally very mundane things. You can't decide to just dive into a Netflix binge or a good book or go for a long walk to blow the cobwebs away. You have to be present in the mundanity of toys and Cbeebies for most of the day, and by the time they go to bed, you're knackered, assuming they stay asleep.

Posting on WhatsApp groups for a bit of adult conversation and to remind yourself that others are having a hard time too can be a relief.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’d this Facebook or something like WhatsApp? I don’t post anything on fb but for a lot of people that’s just where they share things and it’s easy for anyone who doesn’t want to see it to mute or unfollow them. If it’s WhatsApp or messenger, do they not talk about anything other than their children? I don’t send pictures of my DD unless people ask for them. She’s endlessly fascinating to us but I don’t expect anyone else to care that she’s got a new favourite food or likes walking in mud or whatever, why would they?

Some of my friends who don’t have kids often ask about her and so I tell them. Some don’t, for a variety of reasons, and if they don’t ask then I don’t talk about her. It’s not hard.

I’m aware which of my friends are struggling more than others, some because they live alone, some because work is shit, some are finding homeschooling utter hell. No one factor is necessarily harder than any other but it’s for friends to look out for each other right now, more than ever, and spamming people with guff about your kids is boring never mind insensitive.