Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

[MessAllOver]

@You know it insensitive but you said it anyway.
What kind of person does that?

The kind of person whose toddler didn't settle until 10pm last night, who woke about 5 times through the night, who was so wired with over-tiredness that they woke at 5.30 this morning and wouldn't go back to sleep. It's been like that for the last three weeks. I have work, work, work coming out of my ears, then I get up, have to entertain toddler, work, cook, clean the house etc., then work again I can't remember the last time I had an evening off...it's work, childcare, more work, cleaning, more work, fall asleep with my head on my desk, wake up, oh more work. Can't remember the last time I slept a decent chunk.

We are all in our own personal hell at the moment (well, some of us are). It just comes in different forms.

[schmockdown]

It's not a bloody competition. Everyone has been affected in different ways.

If you don't want to be in he group then leave or just mute it.

[Magenta83]

I think as a family we did have it easier than most with the first lock down. I was working from home, my husband was furloughed on full pay and we looked after our three year old. It was tough and I'm sure everyone found it hard but we had to keep busy. I was single for a long time before I met my husband and think it's a awful time to be single. We do a lot of Zoom/Skype with family and friends but this is for our son to interact as well. I'd hate to think we make our single friends and family uncomfortable with these calls. You should let your family and friends know if you need more, less or different contact.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

@MessAllOver I'm sorry that you're struggling right now, but being insensitive towards someone else and making them feel shittier than they already do, isn't going to improve your life at all its just going to bring someone else down.

Make your own thread to get support if you're struggling.

[VinylDetective]

I don't think its fair to say its affecting single people more..

I think it’s entirely fair. My adult single son lives 50 miles away from us. He’s spent large chunks of the last ten months alone in his home seeing only the postman and the checkout staff in the supermarket. He’s basically been in solitary confinement. That’s far worse than anyone living with other people.

[PurpleDaisies]

[quote MessAllOver]**@You know it insensitive but you said it anyway.
What kind of person does that?

The kind of person whose toddler didn't settle until 10pm last night, who woke about 5 times through the night, who was so wired with over-tiredness that they woke at 5.30 this morning and wouldn't go back to sleep. It's been like that for the last three weeks. I have work, work, work coming out of my ears, then I get up, have to entertain toddler, work, cook, clean the house etc., then work again I can't remember the last time I had an evening off...it's work, childcare, more work, cleaning, more work, fall asleep with my head on my desk, wake up, oh more work. Can't remember the last time I slept a decent chunk.

We are all in our own personal hell at the moment (well, some of us are). It just comes in different forms.[/quote]
That has nothing to do with the op. Nothing.

[ToffeePennie]

Thing is it’s shit for everyone. For some people (especially amongst the mums I know) it’s easier to post cute pics and have people comment, just so you feel like your getting some kind of interaction with other adults.
For others it’s about that daily walk, for others it’s total silence.
It’s not about who is suffering more right now. It’s about letting everyone get through their day as best as they can.
If you aren’t getting any messages off friends, why not message them? Why not comment on the cute pics with a question “ooh cute pic of Katie, what is that recipe?”
“Oh look a Billy, he’s so cute reading that book. What books does he like?” Open up a dialogue with them. It might help.

[OhTinnitus]

Do they ever ask about your life or are you just supposed to be interested in theirs? Could this be a sign of an imbalance that has always been there and you are only just noticing it?

Perhaps you could start replying with a comment or question about something else as your replies might be making them feel that you enjoy the pictures? I guess it's possible that they think they are making you feel less lonely.

It can be really irritating to receive endless picture of friends children and be expected to comment on them. I wouldn't mind every now and then but some people can be very pushy with it. This isn't restricted to parents though, I have a relative who sends me numerous political memes a day even though he knows we're on different parts of the political spectrum. I find WhatsApp is just a place that annoying people really come into their own

[MessAllOver]

Oh bog off @PurpleDaisies, @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult, I was just explaining why I said what I said.

OP, I'm sorry - I can see it must be hard. The other side can be hard too, though maybe the cute pictures and family updates mask it. I'd turn off their updates for a bit if they're depressing you. Personally, I find stepping away from social media like Facebook when I'm feeling down/stressed is helpful.

[OhCaptain]

@VinylDetective

I don't think its fair to say its affecting single people more..

I think it’s entirely fair. My adult single son lives 50 miles away from us. He’s spent large chunks of the last ten months alone in his home seeing only the postman and the checkout staff in the supermarket. He’s basically been in solitary confinement. That’s far worse than anyone living with other people.

Worse than being stuck with an abuser? Worse than living with DV? Worse than taking care of sick relatives who could die if they catch this??

How can you unilaterally say it’s worse for him than for anyone else?

It’s not a bloody competition!

[Gemi33]

Hi OP

I really do understand. It's not a competition, everyone can find things hard in different ways but I have been on the end of people thinking 'if you don't have children, you don't count' - I think people need to realise that everyone's experience is valid and show a little empathy.

I am single and childless. I would love to have children but it never happened. All of my friends have children and are in relationships. I don't underestimate how hard it has been for them but also I know from talking with them that they have been able to make memories and have some nice times together. I have been on my own throughout and find it very hard seeing all of the photos and messages, I always ask how things are going with the kids etc...but am never asked how I am doing. It's feels like they think 'you have it easy, you're fine'. I don't and I'm not. I really sympathise.

xx

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Personally, I find stepping away from social media like Facebook when I'm feeling down/stressed is helpful.

Might wish to take your own advice there rather than telling people to bog off because you were knowingly insensitive to the op, who is struggling in a different way to you

[MessAllOver]

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult. Might wish to take your own advice there rather than telling people to bog off because you were knowingly insensitive to the op, who is struggling in a different way to you

complex. ODFOD.

[NurseButtercup]

I don't think it's insensitive, but I understand and relate to how seeing these images & videos could add/create loneliness.

On the flip side - when you have real conversations with the sender's of the photos & videos you'll discover, that quite a few are struggling with the 24x7 being together, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning etc.

[chickenpot]

Some of the patronising stuff being said to single people here is absolutely shocking!

I can hand on my heart say that I would hate to be living alone in all this, to feel so isolated would be horrible. I hope you're ok OP, I'm sure it's been a very tough 10 months.

Those saying, well why don't you just bubble... you can't "Just" bubble. Those you want to bubble with have to agree to it too, and therefore agree not to see others, eg family members who may want to see the kids/need help etc. It's not as simple as some are making it out to be.

Also, I totally get it with the updates. Some people are obsessed with their DC - and rightly so! But those who assume others should be too, it's annoying, and frankly boring sometimes. I was on a zoom the other week and my friend kept just putting the camera in her baby's face. Honestly all I could do was literally coo every time... in the end I wasn't sure who I was meant to be talking to, my friend or the baby! But she was just convinced I'd want to see the baby the entire time! I can see how that would feel insensitive to someone yearning for the same thing!

I do genuinely think it's boredom though. Like they're trying to convince themselves they're lives are all roses etc! I say make it clear you're a bit bored of it. Change the subject, bring up something else. If all the conversations revolve around their children then it's just not much of a friendship is it? It should go two ways, yes they're happy/devoted to their kids, but they should be showing an interest in your life too! Having a child doesn't give someone a free pass to become a crap friend - one with less time on their hands/more worries yes, but not one who can't have a normal conversation anymore!

[MakeWorkYourNewFavourite]

I only show my family pictures of my DD when she's dressed as "FIREGIRL!" or posing next to cookies or we're next to a sodding lake or something. I don't post anything about when she threw the cat in the air and I thought the cat was dead or when she kicked me in the ribs this morning because I sang "her" song or when I lose control of her in the supermarket and everyone stares at me and I want to cry. I'm a single mother. I live with my 3 year old and have my elderly mother living with me. I also work full time. I feel like my heart is pounding all the time and I'm in a constant sense of fear, but you'd think I was WonderWoman on my FB page. It's all bullshit. We're all fed up.

[SmeleanorSmellstrop]

I am not in the UK but had isolation in my current country for a few weetka and honestly, you're having a laugh if you think your friends with kids are havjng a lovely time being cooped up during a pandemic with their children. It is so jard on parents. Sorry if you're feeling lonely but i think you're being really unfair. They're probably trying rk make the best of a bad situation and probably don't realise that their friend feels so angry and hostile towards them sharing photos of their existance

[VinylDetective]

Calm down please @OhCaptain! I didn’t mention abusers or domestic violence, you did. I said “living with other people”.

Why do you think solitary confinement is the ultimate state punishment for the worst criminals? That’s what we’re doing to thousands of single people whose only crime is living alone. This lockdown is depleting everyone’s mental health but I think its toll will be particularly hard on people going through it in solitude.

[justasking111]

If you are trying for a baby but have been affected in this goal by covid then yes if they know they are being dense. Otherwise, grow up.

[NurseButtercup]

I am a mum of 3. The idea of having a empty house seems blissful to me.
Last week I did my shopping online, on click and collect, but I didn't mention this to my family. I went to "do the shopping" (took 10mins because I was just collecting it), bought a drive thru coffee and sat in a car park for nearly an hour just staring out of the window people watching in silence.

One of my friends does this but takes at least 4hours every week - she calls it her weekly time out.

[butterpuffed]

I don't think they're being insensitive at all. They know you're on your own and don't want you to feel left out.

[shindiggery]

I would think it would brighten your day, provided I didn't think you were pining for children of your own.

[shindiggery]

I am jealous of you though. Anyone with children in lockdown will not have considered they have something you don't, trust me.

[lljkk]

Whaddya mean by "sending updates"?
Do they email & whatsapp you -- or it "public" on their facebook?

You can ignore stuff you don't want to see. Go on. Big girl pants. Don't follow people on SocMedia if you don't want to know about their lives or opinions.

[BeaSmithers]

I suspect you'd be on here moaning they were ignoring you if they didn't do these things.