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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless "auntie" in pandemic

466 replies

katrinbaker · 19/01/2021 11:30

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

OP posts:
loulouljh · 19/01/2021 12:15

I can imagine how you feel...but on the flip side life with kids is not a picnic at all at the minute. Far from it.

Firenight · 19/01/2021 12:16

You know you can just unfollow them?

I know its shit for single people and those living alone. My heart breaks for my bestie who is too far away to bubble with. We all have our cross to bear and its difdeent shit but no less difficult for each of us. We acknowledge that and accept each others moans. And that includes them being jealous of my full house ans company and me being jealous of their ordered life and silence.

burnoutbabe · 19/01/2021 12:16

i have been very consious of not complaining to single friends that I am bored of my partner at times and how exciting when he goes out (or did). Its just polite to think before you share stuff with others, about their situation.

MessAllOver · 19/01/2021 12:16

I know this is insensitive and I apologise but...

I want to swap lives with you, please...just for a little bit.

Marzipan12 · 19/01/2021 12:17

Hmmmm op hasn't been back.

OhCaptain · 19/01/2021 12:18

@PurpleDaisies tell you how to have the conversation?

You need to be told?

“I’m feeling quite lonely and the photos of the kids are lovely but adding to that so I’m going to step away from the chat for a bit.”

Unless of course OP wants to remain in the group chat but police what goes on in it. Which is a different kettle of fish.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/01/2021 12:18

Definitely a case of the grass isn't always greener - l am happily married with a dd aged 9 but some days l really wished l was single with only myself to worry about .

OhCaptain · 19/01/2021 12:18

*or just individual chats. Same principle.

Cuntitinthebin · 19/01/2021 12:19

Agree with it being a total facade.

I'm trying to work full time in a job I don't understand while looking after a four year old who is completely reluctant to do any schoolwork.

I've cried every single day so far. I hate it. I'm miserable.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/01/2021 12:19

I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times

Contribute anyway! How about

  • a picture of a nice bath with all the suds and whatnot and a glass of wine on the side - just waiting for you?
  • any new home projects (even basic ones).
  • a cup of tea or coffee next to a nice book?
  • a tidy living room?

It does not have to be goady - just representative of a nice and peaceful life.

Thatwentbadly · 19/01/2021 12:19

The messages will revolve around their children because at the moment their days with revolve around their children because they don’t have the option to do anything else.

Why are you not telling people what you are being up to?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/01/2021 12:20

I know this is insensitive and I apologise but...

I want to swap lives with you, please...just for a little bit.

You know its insensitive, you know the op is struggling, but you went ahead and said it anyway?

snowqu33n · 19/01/2021 12:21

OP do you have a pet? When I was single I always responded with cat pics or anecdotes if people were going on too much about their kids.
Singles tend not to have their feelings validated as much in comparison with parents because they are deemed to be free to do whatever they like, which doesn’t really hold true during a lockdown.
Can you find someone in a similar situation to talk to? There was a thread on Twitter for people who were all alone at Christmas.
I am not sure that posting on mumsnet for this will get you as empathetic a response as you might get on a forum with a different demographic.

Brefugee · 19/01/2021 12:21

Tell me how to have that conversation. Please stop sending me photos of your children because it’s making me feel desperately lonely is not something you can really say to someone.

Frankly? it if is upsetting you that much - yes. If they are sending you photos of their children (and not just putting them on their SM) of course you should say this.

BumbleBiscuit · 19/01/2021 12:21

Be ENORMOUSLY thankful you’re not stuck with children in this pandemic. From what I hear it sounds horrific.

I’m childfree also and it’s been bliss. Lots of extra cosy days at home. Netflix binges and naps.

Tiramisuzie · 19/01/2021 12:22

Just turn it off or respond without looking at it.

Candyfloss99 · 19/01/2021 12:22

Send them a photo of you watching netflix with a cup of tea and not a care in the world. Send them a photo of you baking or planning your next holiday in the Maldives.

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2021 12:22

@MessAllOver

I know this is insensitive and I apologise but...

I want to swap lives with you, please...just for a little bit.

I would give anything to be in your position. Anything.

You know it insensitive but you said it anyway.
What kind of person does that?

Gwenhwyfar · 19/01/2021 12:23

"Do I get bitter at the single people who can bubble with a family to see a change of face? A bubble which, each lockdown, they can change so keep it mixed up? A single person who can go for a walk with another perspn (which I can't do as I have the kids)?"

Lots of single people don't have a bubble because they're single friends are either bubbling with another single friend or with their parents. Single people's friendships don't really work like that either. I doubt many people have one best friend they can bubble up with who has also chosen them.
In the first lockdown, you could meet NOBODY outside of your household even outdoors. I imagine it's not great being stuck with your family all the time, but many singles were just not speaking to anyone at all!

hansgrueber · 19/01/2021 12:23

@formerbabe

I wouldn't be too jealous...their cutesy photos are probably a total facade and they're probably tearing their hair out.

Put your feet up with a glass of wine and take photos to send to them...will make them green with envy

In all seriousness its shit for everyone right now...Flowers

Look at the positive, you're not stuck in with a load of miserable, disobediant, whining children, you can, within the rules, do what you want, when you want, eat and watch what you want! People are really dumb if they think the 'cute', ie barfable, pictures of their sprogs fool anyone.
Candyfloss99 · 19/01/2021 12:23

@MessAllOver

I know this is insensitive and I apologise but...

I want to swap lives with you, please...just for a little bit.

If you know something is insensitive just don't say it!!!!!!
CounsellorTroi · 19/01/2021 12:25

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

Definitely a case of the grass isn't always greener - l am happily married with a dd aged 9 but some days l really wished l was single with only myself to worry about .
Perhaps you fantasise about that but seriously you don’t really mean that you regret your happy marriage and your DD?
AliceinBunniland · 19/01/2021 12:25

I'm not sure OP. It sounds like it's upsetting you but I'm not sure why so I'm not sure how they could know either.

I lost a child and therefore I have found some of the "it's such a pain having children in the house" type comments upsetting. Similarly I can understand anyone who struggles with infertility or is otherwise childless and not by choice to find it hard having others' children rubbed in their faces.

You haven't said either of these are you though.

If it's just that you're alone and they're not then I wouldn't think they're being insensitive but then again you say you're not expecting to contribute. Do they ask how you are rather than just sharing their own lives?

I also agree with PPs who say it is tough as many are complaining their friends are not in touch enough but then again it doesn't always have to be about them and their kids?

Jennifer2r · 19/01/2021 12:25

I live alone and have some empathy with OP although, I enjoy my friends updates. I would like to comment on this

*Contribute anyway! How about

  • a picture of a nice bath with all the suds and whatnot and a glass of wine on the side - just waiting for you?
  • any new home projects (even basic ones).
  • a cup of tea or coffee next to a nice book?
  • a tidy living room?

It does not have to be goady - just representative of a nice and peaceful life.*

I have sent photos of what I'm up to and get the response that my lockdown looks so easy in comparison to theirs.

I would never comment on a happy family photo by saying "you're so lucky you have people to cuddle with, I've been lonely for months".

Misery and happiness are not a zero sum game, it's better if we can all be a bit more compassionate towards each other. With my best friends I have the discussion 'oh this must be so hard for you with the kids and home' and they reply 'oh yes but I've been worried about you on your own' and we all feel seen.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/01/2021 12:25

Actually i think yanbu op and your friends could be more sensitive.

I have 2dc 7 and 9 and there are so many challenges in lockdown. However, I am not lonely. I have dh and dc, the most important people in my life. I was single until i met dh at 30 and I remember the loneliness before then. I would not be coping with covid so well if I was single and childless, i know that.

I have several childless friends and I'm careful not to whinge about or fawn over my kids to them too much. I have plenty of mum friends to discuss the kids with. And yes I am jealous sometimes they have more spare time and money, but that was the case before covid!