Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

[joeyroo]

I hope you're doing ok OP, there are some insensitive posts in this thread. It must be very tough coping with this situation on your own.

I don't think your friends mean to be insensitive though, they're just trying to get through this too.

and for you

[poohsticks30]

@trulydelicious
Oh and the only reason I said "auntie" is because it is a term of affection. Don't believe in our family that you have to be related by blood. Family are those that put in the effort.

[trulydelicious]

@poohsticks30

As I said, it is apparent that your intentions are good and that you do love them.

However, I often feel that those with children within a family 'run the show'. 'Aunties' (and yes, I hate the use of the diminutive) are relegated to the periphery as if they were lesser and did not have the same standing as those who are 'parents'. They don't seem to be considered human beings in their own right with their own feelings/interests and they should accept their fate and being dictated to (hence the OP saying that she's expected to 'coo at the right times').

I've seen it many times and it's distressing. Horrible stereotyping in my opinion that should be challenged.

[JonSnowIsALoser]

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

[Candyfloss99]

@JonSnowIsALoser

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

Why would you choose to have 3 children if you'd rather be alone?

[Whatatune]

@JonSnowIsALoser

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

You should get that printed onto cards and hand them out outside IVF clinics.

[poohsticks30]

@trulydelicious
Saying my intentions are good is a very thinly veiled insult. I know my friend. I care about her interests and her life and our friendship is based on both of us. I do not dictate anything - we make decisions about meet ups/conversations ect together. She is not some poor person who is thought less of as she doesn't have child- what a Medieval opinion you seem to have on this!

I am shocked at your stereotyping of people with children!

[browneyes77]

@JonSnowIsALoser

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

You think crippling loneliness and forced solitary confinement is something to be jealous of?

Way to completely miss the point. Bravo.

[Yutes]

I think people are missing the point if they say they would swap x for y

[Lottapianos]

'However, I often feel that those with children within a family 'run the show'. '

That's very much my experience too

[Pinkfluff76]

Can you not be in a support bubble with any of them so you can see them and not be alone?

[Hgak]

OP, is the sharing of pictures on social media or in small group messages? If the latter, I don’t think your friends are necessarily insensitive but I don’t think they’re very good friends!

I’m childless (not by choice) but am not so isolated as I live with DH but my friends who are mums aren’t just sending me the cute moments as if our messages were Insta. I’ve been sent pictures of bruises and messy kitchens and late blooming roses; I’ve heard about financial worries and home schooling meltdowns. I’ve sent pictures of the crocus bulbs just breaking through the ground and my chipped kitchen worktop; I’ve whined about work. I’m not jealous of them because they’re sharing the stressful moments as well as the good ones and I’m doing the same. They’re my friends and I love them and I want to hear about their lives, good and bad. I want to feel connected to them.

I don’t blame you for feeling isolated if you’re being treated like a mere acquaintance and only seeing the facade.

If you’re looking for some ways to be more included in the conversation, can you find some old photos of you all on holiday together from your younger days and share them around and start a reminiscing chat? It might help to make you feel more included AND cheer up your friends. Can you approach the lack of reality in their photos by saying something like “Come on, I KNOW it can’t all be cute pictures and baking! I’m feeling lonely today - tell me all the silly things they did today (that won’t make it onto Facebook)”

Look after each other

[PetraRabbit]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I'm a stressed mother of a just 1 year old and a 3 year old. My house is chaos and I seem to spend most of my day cleaning up crap in my kitchen. I've watched almost no Netflix, taken up no hobbies, had no time to myself, read no books. And I look awful as I haven't exercised in a year. But.....I know how lucky I am to be busy and to have company and not to live under the weight of "will I have children?". I'm 45 so you may be able to work out that I had my children late and I know some of that feeling. It's horrible, really horrible.

For what it's worth, I am very careful not to moan too much to single people about my current situation, because it is heartless. Some people are thoughtless or smug. Often they don't mean to be but just can't see past their own difficulties. They may be under incredible stress.

No advice really just YANBU

[wotnocheese]

I do feel for you OP. The problem is our lives are on hold at the moment. If you are single but want to meet someone and have a child then it will feel like you are trapped and can't move on in your life in a way that is profoundly painful.
I had my first child at 34 and my life wasn't meaningful to me until she was born. Of course it is hard work when they are little but its also very rewarding.
You are not being unreasonable.

[Inwiththenew]

I think it is harder for single people. With other people to bounce off, however chaotic, the days go quicker....kids can be tiring and stressful but you also get the cuddles and the bedtimes. So have a heart for your single friends! And y’know, don’t comment or like if the in your faceness of fb is getting you down. You don’t have to, and real friends would understand that it’s hard for you.

[trulydelicious]

@Inwiththenew

And y’know, don’t comment or like if the in your faceness of fb is getting you down

Exactly, do what you want to do and don't dance to the tune of others (pandemic or no pandemic)