Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

[trulydelicious]

@Inwiththenew

And y’know, don’t comment or like if the in your faceness of fb is getting you down

Exactly, do what you want to do and don't dance to the tune of others (pandemic or no pandemic)

[Inwiththenew]

I think it is harder for single people. With other people to bounce off, however chaotic, the days go quicker....kids can be tiring and stressful but you also get the cuddles and the bedtimes. So have a heart for your single friends! And y’know, don’t comment or like if the in your faceness of fb is getting you down. You don’t have to, and real friends would understand that it’s hard for you.

[wotnocheese]

I do feel for you OP. The problem is our lives are on hold at the moment. If you are single but want to meet someone and have a child then it will feel like you are trapped and can't move on in your life in a way that is profoundly painful.
I had my first child at 34 and my life wasn't meaningful to me until she was born. Of course it is hard work when they are little but its also very rewarding.
You are not being unreasonable.

[PetraRabbit]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I'm a stressed mother of a just 1 year old and a 3 year old. My house is chaos and I seem to spend most of my day cleaning up crap in my kitchen. I've watched almost no Netflix, taken up no hobbies, had no time to myself, read no books. And I look awful as I haven't exercised in a year. But.....I know how lucky I am to be busy and to have company and not to live under the weight of "will I have children?". I'm 45 so you may be able to work out that I had my children late and I know some of that feeling. It's horrible, really horrible.

For what it's worth, I am very careful not to moan too much to single people about my current situation, because it is heartless. Some people are thoughtless or smug. Often they don't mean to be but just can't see past their own difficulties. They may be under incredible stress.

No advice really just YANBU

[Hgak]

OP, is the sharing of pictures on social media or in small group messages? If the latter, I don’t think your friends are necessarily insensitive but I don’t think they’re very good friends!

I’m childless (not by choice) but am not so isolated as I live with DH but my friends who are mums aren’t just sending me the cute moments as if our messages were Insta. I’ve been sent pictures of bruises and messy kitchens and late blooming roses; I’ve heard about financial worries and home schooling meltdowns. I’ve sent pictures of the crocus bulbs just breaking through the ground and my chipped kitchen worktop; I’ve whined about work. I’m not jealous of them because they’re sharing the stressful moments as well as the good ones and I’m doing the same. They’re my friends and I love them and I want to hear about their lives, good and bad. I want to feel connected to them.

I don’t blame you for feeling isolated if you’re being treated like a mere acquaintance and only seeing the facade.

If you’re looking for some ways to be more included in the conversation, can you find some old photos of you all on holiday together from your younger days and share them around and start a reminiscing chat? It might help to make you feel more included AND cheer up your friends. Can you approach the lack of reality in their photos by saying something like “Come on, I KNOW it can’t all be cute pictures and baking! I’m feeling lonely today - tell me all the silly things they did today (that won’t make it onto Facebook)”

Look after each other

[Pinkfluff76]

Can you not be in a support bubble with any of them so you can see them and not be alone?

[Lottapianos]

'However, I often feel that those with children within a family 'run the show'. '

That's very much my experience too

[Yutes]

I think people are missing the point if they say they would swap x for y

[browneyes77]

@JonSnowIsALoser

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

You think crippling loneliness and forced solitary confinement is something to be jealous of?

Way to completely miss the point. Bravo.

[poohsticks30]

@trulydelicious
Saying my intentions are good is a very thinly veiled insult. I know my friend. I care about her interests and her life and our friendship is based on both of us. I do not dictate anything - we make decisions about meet ups/conversations ect together. She is not some poor person who is thought less of as she doesn't have child- what a Medieval opinion you seem to have on this!

I am shocked at your stereotyping of people with children!

[Whatatune]

@JonSnowIsALoser

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

You should get that printed onto cards and hand them out outside IVF clinics.

[Candyfloss99]

@JonSnowIsALoser

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

Why would you choose to have 3 children if you'd rather be alone?

[JonSnowIsALoser]

I really wouldn't be jealous - I have three kids and I am jealous of your quiet, peaceful lockdown existence. Your friends' posts just prove that if you have kids, in lockdown your entire life revolves just around them - because it has to, not because you choose it to be so. Housework, non-stop cooking, shopping, entertaining, supervising home schooling, making sure they get some exercise, and that's before you even start your work from home, if you're lucky to have an employer who doesn't force you to come into the office. You get absolutely zero time for yourself, and 5 hours of sleep a night if you're lucky. What's there to be jealous about?!

[trulydelicious]

@poohsticks30

As I said, it is apparent that your intentions are good and that you do love them.

However, I often feel that those with children within a family 'run the show'. 'Aunties' (and yes, I hate the use of the diminutive) are relegated to the periphery as if they were lesser and did not have the same standing as those who are 'parents'. They don't seem to be considered human beings in their own right with their own feelings/interests and they should accept their fate and being dictated to (hence the OP saying that she's expected to 'coo at the right times').

I've seen it many times and it's distressing. Horrible stereotyping in my opinion that should be challenged.

[poohsticks30]

@trulydelicious
Oh and the only reason I said "auntie" is because it is a term of affection. Don't believe in our family that you have to be related by blood. Family are those that put in the effort.

[joeyroo]

I hope you're doing ok OP, there are some insensitive posts in this thread. It must be very tough coping with this situation on your own.

I don't think your friends mean to be insensitive though, they're just trying to get through this too.

and for you

[poohsticks30]

@trulydelicious
What a truly judgemental comment! I do not pity my friend and my daughters auntie- we adore her!!!! She means the world to use and is struggling in the current lockdown! I have been in the "auntie" position for many many years and it was the most precious role but in the current situation when so many are struggling it is only right to be telling people how much they mean to you! My suggestion is that you learn to live by the phrase "if you can't say nothing nice ...."

[sally067]

@Lucyk1

But I bet you didn't care when you were uploading all the annoying pics of your lovely single life when they were tied down with kids?! Each person makes their own life choices... You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

What a horrible comment.

OP I am in the same situation, live alone and nobody to bubble with, it is the loneliest I have ever felt and it has now been 24 days since I spoke to another non zoom human who wasn't working in a supermarket or coffee shop. My brain feels like mush because of it and everyday is another struggle. I'd give anything just for the gyms or a swimming pool to be open.

At the risk of joining the pity party, I am working in a one bed top floor flat which I don't particularly like in a job that I hate too. It all just feels relentless with no hope as I can't go on dates, meet friends or even apply for a new job.

I think another thing I find with my friends who are at the motherhood stage of life, and I know I'm generalising, is that being in that situation you usually have a 'home'. My flat was just something I managed to get in order to get on the ladder and a roof over my head, I don't see it as a home and had hoped to meet someone so we could do the joint income thing to buy a house. Whereas my mum friends have houses they can be proud of, nice kitchens and gardens. I know they aren't boasting but it just feels like another kick in the teeth.

Sorry for having a moan too.

[trulydelicious]

@poohsticks30

My little ones "auntie" is in the same situation as you

I'm sure you mean well. But the whole 'auntie' business is depressing and demeaning. She's just a human being, not someone who should be 'pitied'

[CarterBeatsTheDevil]

I would want to see your photos, OP! Photos of food you've cooked and walks you've gone on, any pets, the whole thing. I would never expect to just share photos of my DC for cooing and not get to see all the non-child stuff other people were doing!

[SittinOnTheDockOfTheBay]

Lockdown is tough for a lot of people. We're all seeing things from our own situations. Those feeling lonely, living by themselves are missing people and those in a suddenly full and cramped house (a house that was big enough when you all went to work, school etc) are missing some alone time. It's also being going on (well, on and off) for almost a year, it's a long time to be living like this. We aren't used to being this restricted in this country.

That said the OP posted for support and ideas, not to have people tell her how good she's got it and that their life is so much worse because they have kids. How do you know the OP hasn't battled infertility? That thought makes some of the comments on here look really spiteful.

There are 1000s of threads on here about how hard lockdown with kids is, can't you post on there instead?

[browneyes77]

@Lucyk1

But I bet you didn't care when you were uploading all the annoying pics of your lovely single life when they were tied down with kids?! Each person makes their own life choices... You chose not to do what your friends are doing and would rather have the party single life.

You’ve made a lot of assumptions based on fuck all there.

If you’ve got nothing more to contribute than unsubstantiated and ignorant, dick comments like that, then I’d refrain from commenting further. Your opinion won’t be missed.

[Tazers]

@OhCaptain and @LetMeBubble

Playground behaviour. Some posters on mumsnet really do embarrass themselves. When it's referred to as mumsnet madness or a nest of vipers, that's not a compliment you know.

[Dugee]

@LetMeBubble

I also think OP needs a little break from social media

At times when we are feeling overwhelmed emotionally anything and everything can be triggering

It’s understandable but unreasonable to assume that it’s to do with your friends. Take a step back to feel better

You've managed to be insensitive, tone deaf and patronising all in one go there.

[OhCaptain]

@Tazers

I suggest we all ignore *@LetMeBubble* as it looks like she turns in to a wannabe playground bitch when anyone disagrees with her.

*@LetMeBubble* looks like you're right about the attention seeking!