Childless "auntie" in pandemic

[katrinbaker]

I am early 30s + isolating alone in the pandemic

All my friends + family are with their young families and many have been sending cutesy updates of their iso, with pictures of their young children, home projects + family baking. We are in constant contact and this also revolves around child updates and daily life. I am not expected to contribute but just coo at the right times.

Aibu to think this is insensitive? I had a nice life before all this happened but obviously much of it is now banned. Holidays, drinks out, dating. I am over it and think it has impacted the single lot disproportionately.

[wildraisins]

They are just sharing things about their lives and I doubt they think it is impacting you in this way. What would you rather they do? Their reality at the moment is being at home and with the kids, so that's what they have to tell you about. I can guarantee you they will be having their struggles as well!

I don't know how you can say this has impacted single people disproportionately when you consider parents who are juggling home schooling and a job. Although I would like children in the future I am quite relieved that I am not having to deal with that right now! It must be a nightmare for some people.

Why not share with your friends the things you are finding difficult as a single person and talk about it, lean on them for support, rather than being resentful of their happy times?

[Needahug72]

@BlingLoving

It's not insensitive, no. This is THEIR life.

I'm actually really tired of the competitive, "my life is harder in Covid than your life so you need to be tearing your clothes and rubbing ashes on your face in sympathy with me".

I hope that I am sensitive to the different ways its hard for different people right now and I wouldn't dream of, for example, saying to my single colleague who is going crazy in her small flat, "well, your life is much easier than mine" because it's not. her life is hard in one way and mine is hard in another.

But that doesn't mean I'm not going to acknowledge that my life IS hard right now and that I AM struggling. because I am. And I'm ALSO not going to refrain from trying to highlight when things are good - and certainly DH and I spend time reminding ourselves of how things ould be a lot worse for us.

It's not a bloody competition. There are very few people who are completely unaffected and happy during this period and if we can't understand that everyone has different challenges to overcome then frankly we are not very nice people.

Agree so much with this!

I have had a really crap year, live on my own and lost 3 close family members in a 3 month period (none COVID related) but realise there are other people having an equally shit time.

[Jennifer2r]

Here OP more helpful advice to add to 'make the most of your alone time'... 'brace up'! Brilliant.

[PurpleDaisies]

@Jennifer2r

Here OP more helpful advice to add to 'make the most of your alone time'... 'brace up'! Brilliant.

Don’t forget “just do better!”

[HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst]

OP are you also in contact with the friends that you would do the drinking / holidays / dating etc with? Catching up on Zoom or whatever, getting together for an evening of wine and chat? That can really help :)

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Yes, I'm afraid you are rather insensitive to the stress parents and young families are under just now. Brace up, you can do better.

Excellent advice.

Maybe take it yourself when you're struggling with the kids

[ilovesooty]

Everyone's life and struggles are different. You can't possibly know enough about everyone else and their circumstances to judge whether it's easy or difficult for them. I'm single and like seeing pictures of my friends' children but not everyone feels the same.

[saraclara]

It is shades of shit for everyone. Full house, empty house, meh

Yep. I'm also in an empty house all the time. It's rubbish and I'm desperate for company. Any company. But when I feel sorry for myself, I realise that at least I only have myself to occupy and myself to be annoyed by.

We're all suffering. Just in different ways.

I have loads of relatives in Australia. They're posting photos on FB of themselves at the beach, travelling around, having multi family meals at home and in restaurants, no masks, and (sob) hugging each other. I'm genuinely happy for them, but there've been days when I've snoozed the whole lot of them, because its too hard to see. Not their fault, and they're not being insensitive - they only have a few FB friends outside Oz. So I either see their posts or snooze them.

[Redwinestillfine]

They send those pictures because that is their life at the moment. That's their lockdown experience. Send pictures back if yours. The etiquette is for them to reply with 'well jealous, five minutes peace' or whatever the equivalent of your cursor remarks are.... it's not a competition. Just swapping stories.

[Biscuitsanddoombar]

It’s shit all round OP. All of us whether we’re locked down alone, or with others are going through our own bits of hell & wishing it was different.

[Brefugee]

I would never comment on a happy family photo by saying "you're so lucky you have people to cuddle with, I've been lonely for months".

but why not though? if they are your friends but have been wrapped up in this whole stuck at home thing, they probably don't even realise.

If people were a bit more honest in their interactions with their friends, AIBU would be a very different place.

[randomsabreuse]

I think that the toughest thing about the pandemic is the lack of variety. People living alone crave company, people living in a family crave silence. And the space not to be touched, and possibly visit the toilet in peace without having to either negotiate the end of WW3 that just kicked off over a previously neglected toy or repel the toddler from making off with the toilet roll... I also used to have a life, an identity as an individual rather than "mum of ..."

It's tough in so many different ways. I feel the worst off are single parents of young school aged kids, too old to "not count" for meeting other people but not old or articulate enough to have a conversation about something other than their favourite toys (which you've had approximately 1 million times this week) alone. Most under 8s aren't great company...

[TramaDollface]

It’s hard for everybody

And especially shit if you’re single and some parents can be totally self absorbed

However... you don’t have to worry about your child’s mental or physical health or education. It would be lovely if I didn’t have those worries. It’s fucking draining having kids right now.

[MirandaWestsNewBFF]

OP, it is hard, and I’m sorry you’re struggling. Do share pics of your daily doings with your friends. Tell them you’re feeling a bit isolated and low and talk to them about things you want to talk about - steer the conversation in a different direction.

My mum is single and lives alone. She feels like you. I have two arguing sons of primary age and a husband and I miss the company of other women. I miss being alone (I need a lot of alone time and I get zero). I’m working full time, homeschooling my boys who themselves are struggling with all this and so playing up, running a business and trying to finish my novel and it’s shit. Everything is very pressured round here. I’m so sad and down that I very rarely post anything on social media but when I do it’s usually something that I’ve done with the kids. It’s not meant to upset anyone, it’s just that I don’t get any time not with them rn.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I think it's hard for people in different ways, you might be lonely sometimes but I have no doubt they will craving some time alone as well a lot of the time. Like others have said you are only getting the "FB moments"

[airbags]

It's crap for everyone - just a different sort of crap. Alone, stuck in a flat with 4 kids, shielding and too scared to go out, couples that can't stand each other, fighting over devices for work, locked up teens and then mums that are baking one minute and posting it on social media and then sitting in the care for 5 minutes of peace and quiet.
Do you expect you family not to update in case they upset you? At least you have a family that you can call, FaceTime etc - not all of us have a family so count your blessings.

[IDontLikeMondays88]

Before I had a baby and before COVID many of my WhatsApp groups revolved around discussing / sending photos of children. I was basically irrelevant as didn’t have children. I had to mute those groups at times as we were struggling to conceive.

It’s very difficult OP being the child free one in a group regardless of COVID. All my friends were individually nice interesting people but when all together it just became all about the children.

I don’t have advice for you per se other than to say yes it must be very very hard being single on lockdown.

[Tiramisuzie]

Everyone is having a shit time though aren't they.

My single, childless relative has been off with me because I haven't done enough for "her" during Covid. Well, I've actually had covid, along with my DH and DC and one of my own relatives died of it. I'm homeschooling, managing my widowed relative and I have loads of my own sit to deal with.

No one has stopped to think to give me a hand or give me a call to see if I am alright or asked if I need some support.

It's a global pandemic and whatever our situation, we just have to get on with it.

[HesterShaw1]

Sorry you're struggling OP. Yes people with children are struggling too, but you still have the right to outline why it is you're finding it difficult. In the first lockdown I was in the same position as you, and the lack of physical human contact and the isolation for weeks nearly drove me mad. I don't think people who have not been in this position can appreciate what that's like. It can be very easy to get envious about what others appear to have. What @randomsabreuse said is exactly right: People living alone crave company, people living in a family crave silence.

[IDontLikeMondays88]

Some of the responses here are unduly harsh. Yes your family might be driving you mad and home learning (not schooling) is tough but loneliness is crippling.

[Cadent]

@Marzipan12

I can assure you life is not all roses for thise of us with children. Sharing more than likely brightens their day because homeschooling and managing often stressed isolated children is not fun. If it upsets you ask them not to include you but don't take this one bit of joy from them.

What joy? Droning about your kids to people who don't give a shit?

[StiffyByng1]

Count your blessings! Imagine this ghastly incarceration with children and their endless demands.

[mummax3]

@formerbabe

I wouldn't be too jealous...their cutesy photos are probably a total facade and they're probably tearing their hair out.

Put your feet up with a glass of wine and take photos to send to them...will make them green with envy

In all seriousness its shit for everyone right now...

Yes this xx

[Drivemecrazy12]

Lockdown isn't a competition to who is affects the most.

As a single person you may be lonely and very bored at home. On the other hand parents are wishing they had time to be bored. There is no right or wrong, everyone is allowed to struggle with their own circumstances.

I can only see it being insensitive if you are desperate for children and perhaps having difficulty. Even then they wouldn't know that unless you said.

[Haenow]

I do think you’re being a bit over sensitive but I understand why.
Some of the responses on here are embarrassingly tone deaf and lacking in empathy. Having children doesn’t mean you have a right to act like it’s much harder than other people’s struggles. Open your eyes and consider there’s struggles outside of parenting. I say this as a parent who is balancing all the usual life stresses.