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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh stopping maintenance

323 replies

savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 14:27

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 16/01/2021 14:29

What was agreed in terms of maintenance when they split?

WhatKatyDidNxt · 16/01/2021 14:29

Perfectly reasonable. The money is meant to be for them anyway surely. Just because you had children with someone then they can’t support you financially forever Confused

user1493413286 · 16/01/2021 14:30

Definitely; I think he’s been more than reasonable when it comes to his DS

CremeEggThief · 16/01/2021 14:31

As long as he lets his ex-wife know in advance, as a matter of courtesy, I think YANBU.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 16/01/2021 14:31

son is an adult and not in full time education - needs to grow up,
daughter is living independently - agree no point in maintenance going to ex wife

Marley20 · 16/01/2021 14:33

Sounds like he's been perfectly reasonable until now. Both children are adults and not dependant on their mum, or in full time education so I wouldn't continue paying the ex in these circumstances. Good luck explaining that to her though, I've no doubt she'll see things differently but stick to your guns.

DecemberSun · 16/01/2021 14:33

Perfectly reasonable, should have stopped when they turned 18.

yoyo1234 · 16/01/2021 14:34

Is DSD still at uni. If at Uni I think he should pay maintenance until finished / ended education ( but to her directly).

CaveMum · 16/01/2021 14:34

Surely most maintenance agreements end when the child finishes full time education?

I think your DH is perfectly reasonable. If his ex isn’t happy that’s just tough. What’s she going to do? She can’t exactly ban him from seeing the kids!

CremeEggThief · 16/01/2021 14:34

Not necessarily, @DecemberSun. My DS turned 18 in September and is in 6th form at school, so entitled to it until just before he turns 19.

Godimabitch · 16/01/2021 14:35

More than reasonable. They're adults. You dont pay child maintenance for adults.

peboh · 16/01/2021 14:35

Child maintenance through official channels(CSA) stop when the child is either 18 or 20 if in full time education. He's perfectly reasonable to stop making the payments to his ex under his children's current circumstances.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/01/2021 14:36

I think if the offspring is still being supported by one parent then the other should contribute yes. She is keeping a roof over his head and feeding him. It sounds like he needs some help and direction but realistically most of us wouldn't boot our kids out on the street for being feckless at 18. If your DH gives him money directly, presumably he'll just spend it on himself / going out etc rather than contributing to the weekly shop and bills so whilst the mother is still providing those things, his father should contribute toward that.

Original poster
savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 14:36

I think he is a bit hesitant to mention it to her, I have said to him tell her you will pay a couple of months so she is not suddenly unable to pay a bill or something, She must know this day would come but I do feel a bit bad, if we were rich I’d probably say just keep paying, even another year, but we are so so skint right now. I lost my job last year during lockdown, and my dh lost all overtime (£1000+ a month). Otherwise I wouldn’t bother about it cos I get on well with his ex most of the time.

OP posts:
mekitgubakuds · 16/01/2021 14:40

I find it crazy when maintenance is paid for what basically are adults!!

If DS is still at 6th form then fair enough but at end of July he's an adult and it's up to him to start standing on his own 2 feet. Whether that be working and paying his mum rent instead of dad paying maintenance, or if going to uni and dad wants to contribute, that discussion is between them.. but mum wouldn't be getting maintenance

CremeEggThief · 16/01/2021 14:40

Tell him to man up and just tell her it has to stop from x date. Yes, she will be upset, probably, but if you do it fairly and with notice, she can't complain about that.

Notimeforaname · 16/01/2021 14:40

She must know this day would come
Exactly they are adults now. So Child maintenance is not needed. Unless like a pp said,one is still in education and needs it all paid for.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/01/2021 14:40

When my H stopped his we told his X a couple of payments before. She was expecting it anyway. Their child was 19 and had finished college and was working!

PawPawNoodle · 16/01/2021 14:41

@HugeAckmansWife

I think if the offspring is still being supported by one parent then the other should contribute yes. She is keeping a roof over his head and feeding him. It sounds like he needs some help and direction but realistically most of us wouldn't boot our kids out on the street for being feckless at 18. If your DH gives him money directly, presumably he'll just spend it on himself / going out etc rather than contributing to the weekly shop and bills so whilst the mother is still providing those things, his father should contribute toward that.
Supportint the offspring? Didn't realise they were touring.

His son is an adult man and his mother does not need to support him in the way that she is. He can work and pay his mother rent and money towards bills/food. She is allowing him not to, it has nothing to do with his father. What would be the cut-off anyway? Would OP have to may maintenance out of his pension if his ex decided to let their son stay at home and support him financially for the next 40 years?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/01/2021 14:42

Depends, will his ex be left to pay for his ds herself? If they were still together he would have to pay for his ds.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/01/2021 14:42

So what would you say if the son wanted to come and live with his father instead? Would you be happy for your household to meet all of his costs and not feel his mother should contribute? 18 may be legally be an adult but most of them aren't financially independent at that age, regardless of whether they are working or not. In an ideal world he'd be working yes but this is far from that now and he needs support. For as long as that is thease it should not fall to one parent only.

19lottie82 · 16/01/2021 14:42

I think if the offspring is still being supported by one parent then the other should contribute yes. She is keeping a
roof over his head and feeding him.

I’m sorry but this is nonsense. Would it still apply when the offspring is 25? 30? 40?

It’s the sons choice not to work or go to college and it’s his mother’s choice to allow this by pandering him, unless he has some sort of medical condition obviously, then he can apply for benefits to fund his living costs.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 16/01/2021 14:43

Definitely stop the maintenance now. Your DH's children are adults now.

As a pp said, he should give his ex-wife notice of this. She could be relying on it and need to sort alternative arrangements.

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 16/01/2021 14:45

With youngest still at home and tricky time to get a job I would tell everyone it would stop when he reaches 20. Then everyone has time to prepare and may also be motivating for the son.

Notimeforaname · 16/01/2021 14:46

Supportint the offspring? Didn't realise they were touring
Yah-yah yah yah yaaaah Grin

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