Dh stopping maintenance

[savethegiblets]

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

@SpaceRaiders

How so many women can stand beside men who drop their financial obligations to their kids at the first available opportunity is depressing. What low bars you set for these men.

This.

I think people have forgotten our children will be royalty f* for years to come. All those minimum wage starter jobs no longer exist and if they do they’ll be competing with twenty or thirty somethings with experience. So by all means stop supporting your young adult dc, but don’t kid yourself it’s the morally right thing to do.

Perhaps, it might be better to come to an arrangement to reduce the maintenance for a period of time with the understanding that dc goes back into education. Jobs will be few and far between for years to come.

This isn’t dropping obligations, it’s moving to helping kids directly where that’s appropriate.

For how long should the mum receive the maintenance?

@CorianderBee I went to uni at 17 and got pregnant at 18, I had an abortion and didn’t go back to uni, went to college a year later to get my HND then started working. Met my husband at work, I was 22 he was 41, we had our ds then got married. And I occasionally regret dropping out of uni but I didn’t sit around, I went to college which suited me better.

If his DD is still at university, he's very UNreasonable to stop support of her. He should be matching whatever his DD's mother is providing to support their DD at university 50/50.

But his son's a different matter. At 21, with having had the opportunity of further education, and not taking it, nor working, then his son should be starting to support himself.

The dss is much more tricky imo.

I think he ought to still support his ds but for how long will you support an adult who doesnt work and doesnt study??

Again, rather than just telling the ex, I think he needs to sit down and have a chat on the future.

On one hand, I have seen the damage it can do when one parent decide to let the dc just doddle around at home doing nothing but the other parent is still expected to pay (Thats damage for the young adult and both parents as well as their relationhsip btw).

On the other, if they had been still together, would he have just stopped supporting him??

I thought it was usual to pay maintenance until Uni finished?

It's perfectly fine to stop it fir the DS though, like others have said he should give his ex sone warning though.

YANBU. He should help his kids out with money if they need it but it doesn't need to go to his ex wife for adult children. I say that as someone who receives maintenance.

@cherrypie111

If DD 18 is still in education he needs to continue paying maintenance

But she no longer lives at home. Not as in she lives during term at college and her mum’s is her home. As in she has moved out. She lives somewhere else.

So why should the mum get the money? It should go to the daughter direct.

Why not have dss live with you for a year and then you can see first hand the needs and issues. Your DH can say to him: ' If you don't want to live with us, but stay with your mum, then she may decide she needs a contribution from you towards the bills.'

It will be good for you guys to do some of the emotional support, encouraging, morale-boosting to give the young man the confidence to try new work experiences and persevere. If ds is affected by some MH issues, you will notice, if he is staying with uou. Conversations with ex will be more constructive, because you've seen the issues first hand over the span of a few days.

Ex can dedicate time to her career, get some income from a lodger, and then if dss does want to return to live with her, she'll be in a stronger and more revitalised position to take over the lad's support.

Presumably there's a narrative and dss is explaining why he feels demotivated to work. Perhaps getting to the bottom of the reasons will find a great solution to his difficulties.

Of course it’s reasonable. I’m presuming the maintenance is for his children not spousal. If his daughter is no longer living at home why would he pay his ex wife maintenance for her? He can help his daughter as and when but the money should go directly to her and as for his, at 21 and not in education he needs to get a job he’s no longer a child. I can see his ex wife might ask for financial support for their son to continue because he’s probably a burden on her finances.

Ex can dedicate time to her career are you suggesting she isn't able to at the moment because she has a child at home?

@QueenoftheAir

If his DD is still at university, he's very UNreasonable to stop support of her. He should be matching whatever his DD's mother is providing to support their DD at university 50/50.

But his son's a different matter. At 21, with having had the opportunity of further education, and not taking it, nor working, then his son should be starting to support himself.

That'll be not much then since she doesn't live with her.

"How old is your husband? You got together when you were 20/21 and you got pregnant and dropped out of uni to be with him?

Don't think you can judge DSS tbh"

Stay at home parent raising a family

Jobless 21 year old with little responsibility still living with mum

Yea those two things are the same.

@Diverseopinions

Why not have dss live with you for a year and then you can see first hand the needs and issues. Your DH can say to him: ' If you don't want to live with us, but stay with your mum, then she may decide she needs a contribution from you towards the bills.'

It will be good for you guys to do some of the emotional support, encouraging, morale-boosting to give the young man the confidence to try new work experiences and persevere. If ds is affected by some MH issues, you will notice, if he is staying with uou. Conversations with ex will be more constructive, because you've seen the issues first hand over the span of a few days.

Ex can dedicate time to her career, get some income from a lodger, and then if dss does want to return to live with her, she'll be in a stronger and more revitalised position to take over the lad's support.

Presumably there's a narrative and dss is explaining why he feels demotivated to work. Perhaps getting to the bottom of the reasons will find a great solution to his difficulties.

She can't dedicate time to her career because she has a 21 yo at home? What?

@AhNowTed

Do 18 year olds suddenly morph into people that don't eat, or need shelter and necessities?

No. They get jobs or go to college. That's what adults do. Lazy feckers can sign on, if they are too idle to work and pay board to their parents. They sure as hell shouldn't expect to be kept by their parents beyond the end of sixth form unless they go on to further education, then it's a favour not an obligation.

My 22 year old graduated last year in a pandemic with no chance of a job. Should I throw her out?

Presumably she's getting benefits and is paying you some board. She's proven she isn't an idle fecker like the SS we are discussing.

If the child is still at home, then of course the father should contribute.

The "child" is 21 and has never worked. Maybe the mother is daft enough to put up with it but that's no reason for the father to finance his life of idleness. Should he still do it when he's 40?

The lazy sod needs to get a job or sign on for benefits.

If they're still I full-time education i would continue to pay it. If they aren't, I wouldn't. If they are and live independently, I would send it direct to them. I'd explain all of this to the ex though obviously and give her some warning.

@savethegiblets it’s a tricky one. At some point children need to become independent otherwise parents haven’t done their job properly (obviously those with additional needs are different). His attitude indicates that he feels he will be taken care of regardless and so why should he apply himself? There is no reason for him to. And the dsd gets a rougher deal because she has made an effort to be independent which would be unfair. IMO it would be right to stop maintenance for dss and this should be discussed alongside the fact that he should be contributing to the household (your DH should support ex in having this conversation). Yes it will be uncomfortable for him and yes it will be difficult but that’s life and sheltering him from it will not help. I think maintenance for dsd should continue till she is 21 as that’s only fair.
Btw to all those saying you wouldn’t do this to your child. This is exactly the stance my parents took and the stance that many of my friends with children have taken and their kids know it so they know what is expected. You will always be their parent but they have to be responsible for themselves.

@TrustTheGeneGenie - but surely BOTH parents should support a child in full-time education, and do it as equally as they can? The OP's DH should not back out of that. Most undergrads have to have some form of parental support; indeed, the funding/loans/grant system assumes it.

And I deal with undergrads whose parents (usually the father ...) have reneged on any responsibility for children at university. It is painful & difficult for those children, and often a hindrance to doing as well as they could at university.

His DS is a different matter.

@CorianderBee

How old is your husband? You got together when you were 20/21 and you got pregnant and dropped out of uni to be with him?

Don't think you can judge DSS tbh

What a total, dickhead comment.

[quote QueenoftheAir]**@TrustTheGeneGenie* - but surely BOTH parents should support a child in full-time education, and do it as equally as they can? The OP*'s DH should not back out of that. Most undergrads have to have some form of parental support; indeed, the funding/loans/grant system assumes it.

And I deal with undergrads whose parents (usually the father ...) have reneged on any responsibility for children at university. It is painful & difficult for those children, and often a hindrance to doing as well as they could at university.

His DS is a different matter.[/quote]
Depends on many things. But doesn't sound like mum is so why should dad?

Doesn’t need to pay for dc 21, but maybe stop as he turns 22. Therefore paying to end of 21st year.

18 - pay for same period of time. Ie. Until turns 22.

Therefore, both dc have equal maintenance paid.

However, if dc1 is unemployed, be careful not to be the financial support for them or else they’ll become dependent on him.

If you are willing to have DSS live with you then you can't really stop your DH from contributing. It is very hard to get a job in the current climate. Regardless, he is THEIR JOINT DS so whatever issues he has with being an adult is their combined issue. Would your DH chuck him out and make him homeless? Because that is what you would be suggesting by no longer paying anything towards him. It is very easy to say it is the mother's choice to 'allow' him to live at home now but how many people genuinely would chuck their 18 year old out? Stop paying for DSD as she is clearly independent but it seems to me that claiming zero responsibility for his son because he is now 18 is shit. He doesn't need to be paying much anyway. Just contribute to the groceries and utilities he would be eating/using. Anyone with DC will know that some DC are not adults by 18 regardless of what the law says and leaving it all to mum is totally unreasonable. I think DS should come live with you and the ex should contribute nothing and then see how you feel.

I think he should support the 21 year old if she’s still at uni but money should go directly to her and not the ex. If the 18 year old isn’t in education and refusing to get a job then I would stop paying for him but on the other hand I feel for his mother who is supporting him financially (though she does have a choice).

The daughter is 18 and at college, it is the son who is 21 but he isnt studying or working.

People really do need to read the OP's posts (correctly) and stop making up their own versions of things.

SD doesn't live at home. She has a job and is in uni. She's given money by both parents and her dad also gives money to the mother of her boyfriend with whom she currently lives.

SS, who is 21, has chosen not to work and also to drop out of college. OP and her husband have tried to arrange interviews and encourage him to do something. They offered for him to move in with them to make it easier for a certain job, his mum decided that wasn't a good idea.

Reading between the lines, SS's mum doesn't seem all that bothered about his lack of ambition or the fact he's lazing around home doing nothing. Why should OP's husband be funding someone else's apathy? If the mum isn't bothered about her son doing nothing with his life then she should fund it. And I'd say that whether it was mum or dad, biological or step-child.

Crikey yanbu! At 18 I worked full time and paid my way , at 21 I was a mum and running my own household being responsible. The only way I’d consider saying Yabu is if there were sen . Time for the young adults to get jobs and earn there pocket money to pay mum board.