Dh stopping maintenance

[savethegiblets]

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

@THisbackwithavengeance

It's all very well for people to say that the DH shouldn't have to support a freeloading adult son, his mum should kick him into touch, he should get a job and how they themselves had a mortgage and 3 kids and earned £50k at the age of 21 etc etc..

It's also easy to be smug if you have (or think you are going to have!) successful bright kids who leave home at 18/after uni, get good jobs etc. But some young adults unfortunately do not do well after school, they don't prosper, they are lazy and unmotivated and depressed. Often they grow up and change. But it's very easy for others to say make him get a job, kick him out etc, when the question is "How?"

What do you do if the DC point blank refuses to get a job or is sacked from every job? Do you actually kick him out if that means he'd be literally sleeping on the street?

Easy to say yes if it's someone else's children of course.

I wouldn't kick them out but I wouldn't make their lives easy. They'd be doing the housework in return for living rent free for example.

My husband's brother is 31. He has flitted between his parents for his whole adult life, never having a job. Should they still be paying maintenance to each other?

I think the mother is letting her son down by letting him lie around wasting his life. Don't blame the pandemic, he's 21 not a school leaver. At 21 I had 2 kids, a mortgage and a job. He needs to sort himself out and mum isn't helping him with that. Your husband is right to be helping his daughter while she is studying.

Is there any reason that all the money goes to your SC mum? At 18 and 21 it’s time to call it a day. They are adults. Your husband should have a conversation with the kids and their mum about this though.

Often they grow up and change. But it's very easy for others to say make him get a job, kick him out etc, when the question is "How?" My late FIL did it by saying you've got a month to find a job or you're out. This was the early 80s with unemployment at 30,000,000.

Absolutely reasonable.

@ancientgran

I think the mother is letting her son down by letting him lie around wasting his life. Don't blame the pandemic, he's 21 not a school leaver. At 21 I had 2 kids, a mortgage and a job. He needs to sort himself out and mum isn't helping him with that. Your husband is right to be helping his daughter while she is studying.

To be fair, the father hasn't had much luck with motivating their DS either.

The parents need to work together on this and present a united front.

As long as you are prepared to facilitate his DS living with you then it is fine. Not many 18 year olds are fully independent do a parent is paying for a roof, food, electricity etc. Why should the Mother only pay for these.

one of them has moved out one is an adult yes he shoujld stop paying his ex

if he wants to give money directly to his dc thats up to him

Sorry just saw he is 21

Theres also an element of being cruel to be kind here.

He's 21 and not had any steady work. We are about to slide into a recession, so the question is, will he ever work if he leaves it too much longer? You might hire a 21 year old who had tried to get work but jobs hadnt worked out/study didn't suit him. Would you take a risk on a 28 year old who'd done nothing for the last decade of note?

The longer he goes without holding down any job (even part time), the less likely it is for him to ever get a career.

Making it a bit harder for him and his mum to ignore the situation might push them to face it.

I’d say absolutely fine to stop, albeit after a conversation and some notice.

Also I note the OP said he’d continue to help his kids out directly where needed (rightly) so all those shouting that it’s stopping support, it’s not, it’s moving financial help into a more direct adult parent to adult child footing.

But the son at least clearly isn't in a position to deal with that given what the op has said about his attitude to work.

College counts in terms of maintenance, it would finish in June this year when college finishes. It’s full time higher education- university

For those saying DH should keep paying maintenance to the ex, for how long? If M says you never need to move out or get a job, why should DH have to finance the living arrangements of a 40 year old with no say in it? At 21 he's old enough to get a job, he's had opportunity and he's declined cos Mommy and Daddy will pay for everything.

Presumably he's not paying anything to the Mom for th daughter?

I find it crazy when maintenance is paid for what basically are adults!!

So do I, but I don't think it's as simple as just saying "I will stop paying in 2 months time. His son has to live somewhere, job or no job. His mother is highly unlikely to turf him out/not pay for his food just because of his age. And right now very few people can find jobs. It's not as if he can go out and search - we're supposed to stay home!

I would have a discussion with them all - they are all adults. Be open. He can explain that now they are adults they need to be making active moves to pay their way. He can explain that finances are tighter due to Covid but has to be sensitive to the fact that the ex's may be too. All four of them should talk about it and reach a mutually agreed decision.

[quote Doublefaced]‘@Doublefaced we are in Scotland so no uni fees, just travel and lunches, books etc.’

Lunches? So she eats once a day? Phone? Laptop? Clothes? Toileteries? Heaven forbid she’d be allowed a bit of a social life eh?

Just because something is legally acceptable, it doesn't make it morally right.
How so many women can stand beside men who drop their financial obligations to their kids at the first available opportunity is depressing. What low bars you set for these men.[/quote]
Tbf there's a pandemic so she can't have a social life...

If DD 18 is still in education he needs to continue paying maintenance

How so many women can stand beside men who drop their financial obligations to their kids at the first available opportunity is depressing. What low bars you set for these men.

This.

I think people have forgotten our children will be royalty f* for years to come. All those minimum wage starter jobs no longer exist and if they do they’ll be competing with twenty or thirty somethings with experience. So by all means stop supporting your young adult dc, but don’t kid yourself it’s the morally right thing to do.

Perhaps, it might be better to come to an arrangement to reduce the maintenance for a period of time with the understanding that dc goes back into education. Jobs will be few and far between for years to come.

@TroosAndShoes To be fair, the father hasn't had much luck with motivating their DS either. He isn't the one letting him lie in bed though. I accept he is facilitating the mother facilitating the child and that is why I think he has to stop which will hopefully encourage the mother to say enough is enough. As MargosKaftan has said it is about being cruel to be kind. It is wicked to let him waste his life like this.

If DD 18 is still in education he needs to continue paying maintenance But not to the mother if, as in this case, that isn't where she is living. He is giving money to the boyfriends mother as that is where DD is living which is perfectly reasonable.

How old is your husband? You got together when you were 20/21 and you got pregnant and dropped out of uni to be with him?

Don't think you can judge DSS tbh

If the DS was living with op for free and having his lifestyle paid for, it would be curtailed by their household income dropping anyway. So why shouldn't that cost cutting be passed along?

The op has lost her job, the DH has had a pay cut, they'll be cutting their cloth and that of their shared child accordingly but nothing must impact on the poor 21 who has shown no indication of wanting to be an adult for THREE YEARS

My main issue wouod be with the dsd.
I don[t thnk just stopping maintenance for her is right.
I think your dh needs a chat with his ex to decide how THEY will support the dsd through Uni.
And not with a 'I'll give you money when you need some'. That's what my parents did and it was awful for me because I felt bad to ask for money regularly and felt I couldnt plan for or even dare have some little luxuries too. Decide how much you will each give her and stick to it.

@CorianderBee

How old is your husband? You got together when you were 20/21 and you got pregnant and dropped out of uni to be with him?

Don't think you can judge DSS tbh

Being financially supported by a partner to stay at home and raise a child is totally different to sitting on your bum and expecting Mommy and Daddy to pay for you indefinitely