Page 13 | Dh stopping maintenance

savethegiblets · 2021-01-16T14:27:44+00:00

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject! Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18. Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice. Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc. What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

PoppiesinOctober · 18/01/2021 22:30

@bobbojobbo

Then thats a totally different scenario and not at all relevant to 18 year old kids living at home.

The apologists for feckless fathers here are unfathomable.

Literally nothing feckless about the dad in question here. One of them has moved out and lives with her partner, the other one is lazy and can't be bothered to hold down a job. Why should he keep paying?

You're the one who needs to get a grip.

chuffedasbuttons · 18/01/2021 22:53

For me this is clear.

Is the young adult able to claim benefits if they qualify and are out of work? Should this be true - then pay Mum rent.

If yes - no maintenance payable.

If no - stump up equally with mother.

This continues until young adult is able to secure employment.

If DH doesn't like it - DC can move in.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/01/2021 05:20

@bobbojobbo

Then thats a totally different scenario and not at all relevant to 18 year old kids living at home.

The apologists for feckless fathers here are unfathomable.

It's not feckless to not want to pay maintenance to an adult child who is no longer in education.

I receive maintenance and I certainly would not expect my ex to pay when our DS turns 18 if he doesn't continue to university.

If you are an unemployed adult, you can claim JSA. That's what the adult child here should be doing.

bobbojobbo · 19/01/2021 10:47

Come on 18 and 21. It time to stand on your own 2 feet in life it’s ridiculous

18 is time to stand on your own two feet? What planet are you people on? I feel sorry for your teenagers, hows it going to go in your house.. "Did you enjoy your 18th birthday yesterday? Great, not fuck off and get a job and be out of my house by the weekend. You're an adult now, I'm finished with you".

Christ.

bobbojobbo · 19/01/2021 10:50

I receive maintenance and I certainly would not expect my ex to pay when our DS turns 18 if he doesn't continue to university

Will you continue to house and feed your DS when he turns 18? If so, why does his father no longer have any responsibility for that. Will you continue to house and feed him, but without any input from his other parent?
I feel sorry that women have such low expectations from their co parents, and are so quick to let them off the hook. Sad.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 11:05

@bobbojobbo

Come on 18 and 21. It time to stand on your own 2 feet in life it’s ridiculous

18 is time to stand on your own two feet? What planet are you people on? I feel sorry for your teenagers, hows it going to go in your house.. "Did you enjoy your 18th birthday yesterday? Great, not fuck off and get a job and be out of my house by the weekend. You're an adult now, I'm finished with you".

Christ.

ah yeah because that's EXACTLY how the conversation would go, but you know, good kids who have been brought up to know money doesnt grow on trees... wouldnt need telling. They'd either have uni plans, be looking at jobs, apprenticeships, further training.....

I had bought my first house at 19 and that was only in 2014.

I feel sorry for YOUR children, because they've got much less of a chance of having a successfull career and being self sufficient because they're being treated like stupid babies and being given everything on a plate. It's not helpful. NOBODY is saying cut them off, chuck them out - i mean, you know that, you're just trying to create another story in your head.

bobbojobbo · 19/01/2021 11:10

but you know, good kids who have been brought up to know money doesnt grow on trees... wouldnt need telling

You mean you indoctrinated them from young to know not to expect anything from their parents who can't wait to see the back of them.
Don't expect them to visit you much once they've fucked off to stand on their own two feet at 18 years old. You reap what you sow.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 11:16

@bobbojobbo

but you know, good kids who have been brought up to know money doesnt grow on trees... wouldnt need telling

You mean you indoctrinated them from young to know not to expect anything from their parents who can't wait to see the back of them.
Don't expect them to visit you much once they've fucked off to stand on their own two feet at 18 years old. You reap what you sow.

Wow, you've got some real issues haven't you?

Indoctrinated... to know that you have to work for money? Really?

At what point have i said they would have to "fuck off" at 18? I haven't - all i have said is that they would not be sitting in my house, on their arse, for free. They would need to be doing something constructive. I think most people would agree with me that that is a totally reasonable expectation.

For how long will you be willing to pay for your lazy adult children? 30's? 40's? until you are dead?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 19/01/2021 11:18

Bobbo,

I do agree that parents who can should continue to, in part, support those children in full time education.

However, that is not something to be controlled by the ‘resident’ parent. The non resident father (or mother) can, at this point, give funds directly to the adult child.

Where the student lives in the holidays and whether they pay rent/upkeep is then a matter between the student and whichever parent they choose to live with (if either).

This puts everything on a fairer and more adult footing. Students should really be looking for jobs in the long summer holidays and, ideally, paying towards their keep.

A 21 year old layabout, on the other hand, has no right to demand free bed and board. There does come a time to cut them loose. The infantilisation of young adulthood which seems to be quite prevalent now, especially among the middle classes, is not healthy to our young.

bobbojobbo · 19/01/2021 11:20

For how long will you be willing to pay for your lazy adult children? 30's? 40's? until you are dead?

I have an adult child, who has worked since they were 17, attended university, and now has a great job. They lived at home until they were 24.
When you raise your children to feel safe and secure and loved by their parents, and don't inform them at 18 years old that its time to look after themselves totally and not to ask you for a thing, you get great adult children.

It's really weird that you are attacking me instead of those who think that 18 is adult and your dad can stop any payment and your mum can tell you to look afteryourself from this point on. What a fucked up view of life and parenting you must have.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 11:30

@bobbojobbo

For how long will you be willing to pay for your lazy adult children? 30's? 40's? until you are dead?

I have an adult child, who has worked since they were 17, attended university, and now has a great job. They lived at home until they were 24.
When you raise your children to feel safe and secure and loved by their parents, and don't inform them at 18 years old that its time to look after themselves totally and not to ask you for a thing, you get great adult children.

It's really weird that you are attacking me instead of those who think that 18 is adult and your dad can stop any payment and your mum can tell you to look afteryourself from this point on. What a fucked up view of life and parenting you must have.

That is not what i asked. How long would you be prepared to completely support an adult for? Not how long DID you.

It's really weird that you are twisting everything i have said to make it look like i am going to put my child on the streets the day after their 18th birthday - i havent said anything like that.

I have NOT said it is time to look after themselves totally, have i? i havent said they shouldnt ask for a thing either, have i? you have made BOTH those things up (like most of your other posts)

Please can you tell me why it is fucked up to expect an 18 year old to continue in education, and take on a little responsibilty for their own life, or find a job - instead of sitting on their arse and letting me pay for their whole life? because so far you havent actually been able to explain this, have you?

is that because that's not what i have said at all and you have actually just made it all up?

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 19/01/2021 11:35

Personally, I wouldn't stop with no warning. Just because ExW and DS may need a month or two's grace to adjust to the new level of income. And I think you should still carry on with maintenance until DD has finished her Uni course as she may have factored that money into her budgeting. (I'm guessing if she's 21 she doesn't have long to go.) But yes, I think winding down contributions over the next few months is reasonable.

OwMyNeck · 19/01/2021 11:38

Please can you tell me why it is fucked up to expect an 18 year old to continue in education, and take on a little responsibilty for their own life, or find a job - instead of sitting on their arse and letting me pay for their whole life? because so far you havent actually been able to explain this, have you?

That's not what pp were saying though, expecting them to stay in education or try for a job is not at all unusual, but they were saying that at 18 it was time for them to not expect anything at all from either parent. Who is to support them through education, or those first few years at work while they find their feet? You don't go from child to fully fledged adult over night.

MustardMitt · 19/01/2021 11:41

We had a similar situation - DSS now age 20. I just told DH it’s not fair to spring it on his ex with no notice.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 11:43

@OwMyNeck

Please can you tell me why it is fucked up to expect an 18 year old to continue in education, and take on a little responsibilty for their own life, or find a job - instead of sitting on their arse and letting me pay for their whole life? because so far you havent actually been able to explain this, have you?

That's not what pp were saying though, expecting them to stay in education or try for a job is not at all unusual, but they were saying that at 18 it was time for them to not expect anything at all from either parent. Who is to support them through education, or those first few years at work while they find their feet? You don't go from child to fully fledged adult over night.

I dont think anyone was suggesting cutting them off and throwing them out on ther 18th birthday were they?

the 18 year old does not live with mum - she also works, dad is not suggesting giving her nothing, but contibuting when she needs it - ii personally think this is fine

however, i wouldnt be giving the 21 year old anything as they will be able to claim and should be working - again though, dont think anyone is suggesting kicking him out

PoppiesinOctober · 19/01/2021 15:25

@bobbojobbo

Come on 18 and 21. It time to stand on your own 2 feet in life it’s ridiculous

18 is time to stand on your own two feet? What planet are you people on? I feel sorry for your teenagers, hows it going to go in your house.. "Did you enjoy your 18th birthday yesterday? Great, not fuck off and get a job and be out of my house by the weekend. You're an adult now, I'm finished with you".

Christ.

You're so weird, literally nobody is suggesting kicking anyone out.

Why continue to pay maintenance to someone who lives with their partner and doesn't live at home? Or to a 21 year old who just couldn't be bothered to keep a job, and rejected all help?

Chill out luv

Notmoreuodates5 · 19/01/2021 15:29

Some people must be from a privileged background on here. I had a job at 16 along side going to college. We had a fab time doing weekend work. I don’t see it as an odd request. So did the other girls I worked with too. We didn’t expect our parents to fund us when we were capable of working entitled much.

PurpleMustang · 19/01/2021 15:56

Its always while they are in full time education and when at uni can pay the child direct (over 18, not living at home most of year). So if daughter is not at uni and just living with bf then yep give notice to her it will stop and pay kids what he wants direct. Is she actually passing any money on to daughter or keeping it all for her house with son

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/01/2021 16:01

@bobbojobbo

I receive maintenance and I certainly would not expect my ex to pay when our DS turns 18 if he doesn't continue to university

Will you continue to house and feed your DS when he turns 18? If so, why does his father no longer have any responsibility for that. Will you continue to house and feed him, but without any input from his other parent?
I feel sorry that women have such low expectations from their co parents, and are so quick to let them off the hook. Sad.

I will continue to house him obviously. But I won't be buying him luxuries. At 18 he can get a job to pay for those things. And his dad can give HIM money. His dad doesn't need to give me money to buy things for an 18 year old, an 18 year old can shop for their own things.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/01/2021 16:10

@Notmoreuodates5

Some people must be from a privileged background on here. I had a job at 16 along side going to college. We had a fab time doing weekend work. I don’t see it as an odd request. So did the other girls I worked with too. We didn’t expect our parents to fund us when we were capable of working

entitled much.

Yep, so did I. Got a job at 16 and was living alone and working full time at 17. I didn't need my parents to support me. If they go on to university they will need longer support but the money can go direct to the child, not in the form of maintenance to the ex.

OwMyNeck · 19/01/2021 16:14

I will continue to house him obviously. But I won't be buying him luxuries. At 18 he can get a job to pay for those things. And his dad can give HIM money. His dad doesn't need to give me money to buy things for an 18 year old, an 18 year old can shop for their own things

But the maintenance is supposed to maintain him: to pay towards his food and clothing and housing, not for luxuries. Why are do you have to pay for all those things alone once he turns 18? And why are you happy with that? I really don't get it. You share financial responsibilty for your son until he turns 18, then only you are responsible for what are still significant costs?

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:18

@OwMyNeck

I will continue to house him obviously. But I won't be buying him luxuries. At 18 he can get a job to pay for those things. And his dad can give HIM money. His dad doesn't need to give me money to buy things for an 18 year old, an 18 year old can shop for their own things

But the maintenance is supposed to maintain him: to pay towards his food and clothing and housing, not for luxuries. Why are do you have to pay for all those things alone once he turns 18? And why are you happy with that? I really don't get it. You share financial responsibilty for your son until he turns 18, then only you are responsible for what are still significant costs?

At 18 he can claim benefits for this if he chooses not to work / go to uni. He can then pay his board from this.

You don't pay child maintenance for adults. The clue is in the name.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/01/2021 16:41

@OwMyNeck

I will continue to house him obviously. But I won't be buying him luxuries. At 18 he can get a job to pay for those things. And his dad can give HIM money. His dad doesn't need to give me money to buy things for an 18 year old, an 18 year old can shop for their own things

But the maintenance is supposed to maintain him: to pay towards his food and clothing and housing, not for luxuries. Why are do you have to pay for all those things alone once he turns 18? And why are you happy with that? I really don't get it. You share financial responsibilty for your son until he turns 18, then only you are responsible for what are still significant costs?

At age 18, he will either be working full time or going to university. If he's working, he will have his own money to buy his own clothes and food. If he goes to university, he won't be at home, he will be living away. He will have a student loan and his dad can give money directly to him to help with living costs. It's not up to my ex to pay my household bills once DS is no longer a child.