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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh stopping maintenance

323 replies

savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 14:27

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

OP posts:
PurelyRidiculous · 16/01/2021 15:35

Can you not claim any benefits when living at home at that age? I'm fairly sure you can, I claimed job seekers at around that age when I lost my first job and was still at home. If he can't get a job then he needs to be claiming what he can and paying that to his Mum.

'Children' could live at home until they are in their 30s or just never leave at all, it shouldn't be down to parents forever to pay for them or to make sure their lives with either parent remains comfortable when they are making no such effort themselves. No wonder there are so many entitled adults around these days when mummy and daddy are still paying maintenance at 21 bloody years old.

museumum · 16/01/2021 15:37

It depends on the house settlement really. The ex is paying (rent? Mortgage?) on I’m guessing a 3-bed. That’s a lot for one income but she hasn’t really the option to swap it for a 1bed flat does she? So to me it depends if she was given the house in the divorce, if it’s owned or rented and what the plan is/was for the house. The dd might be fully moved out but the ds isn’t, launching the ds into adulthood or dealing with his failure to do do is a joint responsibility of both parents.

Original poster
savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 15:37

@combatbarbieno it’s hasn’t, it has been the same for years, when our son was born dh didn’t reduce it, it’s a private arrangement dh and his ex came to so that the ex got all the money and not the dss taking some of it.

OP posts:
JanewaysBun · 16/01/2021 15:38

He is 21, 21!!!! He needs to get a job at a supermarket, anything and pay his way. It's doing him a disservice to infantslise him.

Your DSD your DH should pay money to her BF mum With whom she lives as a student, that is fair and make sure she has cash for any unexpected overheads.

Would he pay for some driving lessons for DSS? Could give him some skills...

Original poster
savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 15:38

Csa not dss!!

OP posts:
katy1213 · 16/01/2021 15:39

He shouldn't be supporting. a drop-out 21-year-old.

RB68 · 16/01/2021 15:40

If daughter at Uni then cont to pay maintenance to Mother until she finishes per the normal arrangement - she is still providing them with somewhere to go to back to. I would also pay something directly to her as at the end of the day you no longer have to pay half on uniforms, school lunches, afterschool care or shoes or trips etc

For the Son at 21 - I would be clear there is x amount a month for him given he is not currently earning and help out the Mother who is housing him (otherwise he might have to come live with you) HOWEVER I would not be providing anything directly to him till he got off his arse and went to work even in todays environment there are plenty of ways to make money.

I can see how you and he might want to pay the "min" you need to but you need to ask how fair that is - the majority of normal parents do supply a buffer to kids when leaving school or Uni and just because the parents are seperated that shouldn't fall to just one of them - you are a parent for life in my book but I know this generally goes against the grain.

Watchingbehindmyhands · 16/01/2021 15:40

His son is still living at home and by the sounds of it making no financial contribution. The possible outcome of this is she decides she can no longer keep him and tells him to move out. He may then want to move in with his dad.

I don’t think you should be paying maintenance still but I do think there is a conversation that needs to be had between the parents and their child about their expectations of him continuing to live with his mum and the actual cost of that.

Original poster
savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 15:41

@JanewaysBun we offered to put him on our car insurance, same as dsd is, but he never bothered to get his provisional licence. He’s just not bothered. He has found a gf recently and she seems more
Driven so hopefully she is what he needs to boost him a bit and get his finger out!

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 16/01/2021 15:42

I think it's reasonable yes but he needs to pre warn his ex that he is doing so rather then just stop a standing order etc

comingintomyown · 16/01/2021 15:44

With all the background you have added YANBU to give a couple of months notice. You sound like a really nice stepmother by the way !

MargosKaftan · 16/01/2021 15:44

He wouldn't be unreasonable to stop maintenance. Tell ex that next month is the last. DSD still being in education is different, and giving money directly to her (not her bfs mum), being clear this is for her keep and bfs mum might well charge her rent, would be best.

They are both adults. The only one in full time education isn't living with ex.

If his ex wishes to support them as adults, that's her choice.

combatbarbie · 16/01/2021 15:45

Well I'd recalculate on, DHs current wage and answering the questions for only one eligible child and one child living in your household and give DSD that. It sounds like she's doing OK anyway but morally he should continue until she's finished college.... I am assuming she's not doing a A level but rather a career type course? If it's A level then he should pay til either she's finished or 21....

The ex will have known this day was coming but I'd give her a month's notice. Never know, she may get on top of DSS to get a job to make up the shortfall.

Watchingbehindmyhands · 16/01/2021 15:46

How many threads are there on here saying parents are awful if they charge their adult child board?

Step children don’t count. You can expect way more of them than you ever would of your own children, particularly if that means your partner no longer has any financial obligation towards them.

combatbarbie · 16/01/2021 15:46

Is she at college or Uni OP, you've mentioned both in your thread. Regardless of that I'd pay until she's finished.

Bollss · 16/01/2021 15:46

@TheLetterZ

Some very strange responses on here.

The man, aged 21, still living at home is not in college or employment and has turned down or stopped jobs. The OP has offered him to live with them but was also turned down.

The 18 woman, is no longer living at home at all, she has moved out. The OP has not said to not give her money but to stop paying the ex and could pay his daughter directly.

Seems very reasonably to me to stop maintaince, but do give some warning. She must be expecting it really.

This!
PurelyRidiculous · 16/01/2021 15:47

@Watchingbehindmyhands

How many threads are there on here saying parents are awful if they charge their adult child board?

Step children don’t count. You can expect way more of them than you ever would of your own children, particularly if that means your partner no longer has any financial obligation towards them.

Give over, I wouldn't expect to pay maintenance for my own child when they were an adult. Helping them out the odd time yes, excusing them from doing absolutely nothing by paying their way into their 20s, no.
CoolCovidCat · 16/01/2021 15:48

But he's 21, there hasn't been a pandemic for the last 5 years.

I worked in the local chippy from 14-16, then on a Tesco checkout through college, then while at uni I worked stacking shelves in the campus shop and in a cafe at weekends.

How the fuck are all these young people getting away with not working at all? What's the level of pocket money these days?

If I hadn't worked that would have meant no make up, fashionable clothes or going to the cinema or out with mates. It wasn't negotiable, you had an evening or weekend job through college and uni.

Wtf is going on with the younger generations?

LowlandLucky · 16/01/2021 15:49

As his children are no longer children it is high time he stopped, is ex wife is a CF for continuing to take the money.

PurelyRidiculous · 16/01/2021 15:50

I lived with my Dad growing up. I still lived with him until I was around 22. My mum never paid maintenance for me, even when I was young (which is obviously not right). But even my dad wouldn't have expected her to at 21. The expectation was then on me as an adult to start paying my own way. It was made very clear to me that if I was not in education, I was to get a job and help with bills which is exactly what I did at 17.

People are focusing far too much on what they deem as the parents responsibility and nothing on what the son is responsible for, which is himself at that age.

Bollss · 16/01/2021 15:50

Can he not claim anything if he's 21? Like jobseekers?

No way In hell would I be paying that, and if it were my own child, they'd be getting nothing from me except being allowed to live in my house but I wouldn't be subsidising them purely because they couldn't be arsed.

PoppiesinOctober · 16/01/2021 15:50

Yeah, absolutely stop paying now. Why bother giving money to a lazy, 21 year old who just can't be bothered to keep a job?

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/01/2021 15:51

It's all very well for people to say that the DH shouldn't have to support a freeloading adult son, his mum should kick him into touch, he should get a job and how they themselves had a mortgage and 3 kids and earned £50k at the age of 21 etc etc..

It's also easy to be smug if you have (or think you are going to have!) successful bright kids who leave home at 18/after uni, get good jobs etc. But some young adults unfortunately do not do well after school, they don't prosper, they are lazy and unmotivated and depressed. Often they grow up and change. But it's very easy for others to say make him get a job, kick him out etc, when the question is "How?"

What do you do if the DC point blank refuses to get a job or is sacked from every job? Do you actually kick him out if that means he'd be literally sleeping on the street?

Easy to say yes if it's someone else's children of course.

PurelyRidiculous · 16/01/2021 15:52

Can he not claim anything if he's 21? Like jobseekers?

I'm fairly sure you can yes.

I had to when I lost my first job at 19 until I found another.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/01/2021 15:53

His ex would be a cf for taking the money if she was not in any way supporting the children but she is. Why should it be just down to her? The lck of independence of 18/21 year olds is a separate issue really. As things stand they need parental support and at least one of them needs that not to be direct into his hand.

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