Dh stopping maintenance

[savethegiblets]

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

If the situation (whatever that is) means a child needs support, even if that child is adult age, it should not be left to one parent only. I'm not suggesting the OPs dh hasn't supported him up to now but it's very easy to stop payments 'to the ex'.. Not so easy for the ex to make the son step up or ship out and of she doesn't do that, she'll be supporting the son alone. The op has said they too have not been able to get the son to successfully hold a job so why is it the exs sole job to support him?

@HugeAckmansWife

oh captain the 'club' gets referred to frequently on here as though all ex wives are the same and all out to fleece the paragon of a man who dared to ditch them and start a new relationship and / or family. The fact that billions in cms goes unpaid, cms rates are largely a joke and in most but obviously not all cases it is the mother who is doing all but eow care and juggling work etc while the father pretty much cracks on with a child free life is an inconvenient truth that 2nd wives like to avoid or gaslight the ex wives into silence by calling them bitter.

lol, no. It gets reffered to when people post like you are and ignore the actual facts and create their own scenario, which is exactly what happened here.

What's funny is you've just made a massive generalisation about NRP's - but i assume that's okay.

i've certainly never "gaslighted" dps ex into silence by calling her bitter, the opposite. I have never said an unkind word to that woman, she on the other hand has threatened to kill my unborn child, assaulted dp in the street in front of her own child, financially abused him by threatening him with not being able to see his child and much much more. But you go ahead and generalise about all men doing fuck all and all single mums being angles, if it makes you feel better.

@HugeAckmansWife

If the situation (whatever that is) means a child needs support, even if that child is adult age, it should not be left to one parent only. I'm not suggesting the OPs dh hasn't supported him up to now but it's very easy to stop payments 'to the ex'.. Not so easy for the ex to make the son step up or ship out and of she doesn't do that, she'll be supporting the son alone. The op has said they too have not been able to get the son to successfully hold a job so why is it the exs sole job to support him?

He is not a child - he is an adult. When does this end, what if he is still unemployed when he is 40? does dad have to pay then?

He can claim benefits, and he should be giving some of that to his mother if he expects to live there. He is an adult. This is up to him to sort out.

The ex does not have to support him, he's 21 ffs. He could move out. She doesn't HAVE to do anything. I wouldn't be letting my own child live with me rent free while they sat on their arse. And if i did, i wouldnt be expecting someone else to pay for that.

I actually said, 'of course not all'. No sensible person would assert that all ex wives are great, or all nrp are shit. I have never once said that in a decade of posting on here. I was pointing out that very often, but not always, ex wives who have been left to carry the load are dismissed as bitter if they dare complain about their situation. I represented a generalisation that is made by others.

lots of ifs and maybes there. Considering mum is not contributing, her contibution can be looking after her daughter on the breif times she returns home cant it? or does mum not need to contribute?

The OP hasn't said the DM isn't giving the DD any other money. Yes, she should contribute 50% to the loan top up. Where do you think the other 50% was meant to come from?

why shouldnt dad pay 50%? does she even need it? she works?
She may well need it. Depending on her course and location, the loan might not cover costs. Even if she doesn't need it because she is working, it's pretty unpleasant of her parents to decide they won't make the means tested financial contribution they are expected to make by the government because their DD is working. Great incentive for her to give up work too, if her parents won't support her because she is earning money...

mum doesnt pay 50% does she? why shouldnt she pay those living costs too?

She should. The OP hasn't said she doesn't. That is your assumption.

she doesnt live with mum - why is money going to mum?
I didn't say that the money shouldn't be paid directly to the daughter, just that the DF should pay 50% of the money that does go to the DD/the BF's DM. In fact, in an earlier post, I agreed that it is fine to pay it directly to the DD. Just not "money as and when she needs it as decided by the DF".

@HugeAckmansWife

oh captain the 'club' gets referred to frequently on here as though all ex wives are the same and all out to fleece the paragon of a man who dared to ditch them and start a new relationship and / or family. The fact that billions in cms goes unpaid, cms rates are largely a joke and in most but obviously not all cases it is the mother who is doing all but eow care and juggling work etc while the father pretty much cracks on with a child free life is an inconvenient truth that 2nd wives like to avoid or gaslight the ex wives into silence by calling them bitter.

But you’re the only one who referred to a “bitter ex wives club”.

Yes to the one that left home, but for the 18 year old it's not fair on his mum, she's paying for his food etc. Far better is for his mum and your dh to sit their son down and read the riot act - return to college/online courses or get a job, showing willing at least we know it's hard at the moment. My exh gives me maintenance for my dd, it's not free just because she's an adult!

@HugeAckmansWife

I actually said, 'of course not all'. No sensible person would assert that all ex wives are great, or all nrp are shit. I have never once said that in a decade of posting on here. I was pointing out that very often, but not always, ex wives who have been left to carry the load are dismissed as bitter if they dare complain about their situation. I represented a generalisation that is made by others.

just like nobody has said all ex wives are bitter?

@orangenasturtium

lots of ifs and maybes there. Considering mum is not contributing, her contibution can be looking after her daughter on the breif times she returns home cant it? or does mum not need to contribute?

The OP hasn't said the DM isn't giving the DD any other money. Yes, she should contribute 50% to the loan top up. Where do you think the other 50% was meant to come from?

why shouldnt dad pay 50%? does she even need it? she works?
She may well need it. Depending on her course and location, the loan might not cover costs. Even if she doesn't need it because she is working, it's pretty unpleasant of her parents to decide they won't make the means tested financial contribution they are expected to make by the government because their DD is working. Great incentive for her to give up work too, if her parents won't support her because she is earning money...

mum doesnt pay 50% does she? why shouldnt she pay those living costs too?

She should. The OP hasn't said she doesn't. That is your assumption.

she doesnt live with mum - why is money going to mum?
I didn't say that the money shouldn't be paid directly to the daughter, just that the DF should pay 50% of the money that does go to the DD/the BF's DM. In fact, in an earlier post, I agreed that it is fine to pay it directly to the DD. Just not "money as and when she needs it as decided by the DF".

She hasn't said she does though has she, why are you assuming she is?

i don't see why his suggestion of giving her what she actually needs is so bad. She works as well... I just dont agree with giving her an "allowance" for the sake of giving her it.

Many people dont pay their kids through Uni because they simply cannot afford it, its not "unpleasant" its reality. Most people work through Uni for that reason.

I think the op made references to the 'bitter ex wives turning up' a few pages back and it's referenced on other threads frequently. I didn't make it up, nor do I believe its an actual thing, no more so than the 'shit nrp' club or 'grabby 2nd wife club' both of which are equally lazy caricatures but I don't want to derail so I'll leave it there.

@movingonup20

Yes to the one that left home, but for the 18 year old it's not fair on his mum, she's paying for his food etc. Far better is for his mum and your dh to sit their son down and read the riot act - return to college/online courses or get a job, showing willing at least we know it's hard at the moment. My exh gives me maintenance for my dd, it's not free just because she's an adult!

The 18 year old left home.

She hasn't said she does though has she, why are you assuming she is?
Why are you assuming she does? It's somewhat irrelevant though. I am suggesting the DF should pay 50% of what the DD actually gets. 50% of nothing is nothing.

i don't see why his suggestion of giving her what she actually needs is so bad. She works as well... I just dont agree with giving her an "allowance" for the sake of giving her it.
Well that is the way that the student loan system is set up. It doesn't matter whether you agree to it. She''ll need more money if she quits her job, which would be the sensible thing to do (and give her more time to study) if her parents won't support her because she is earning money but will if she "needs money".

Many people dont pay their kids through Uni because they simply cannot afford it, its not "unpleasant" its reality. Most people work through Uni for that reason.

That is your opinion, not reality. 55% of students don't have any type of job while they are studying. Some universities and courses don't even permit students to work during term time. Students who receive the full maintenance loan, whose parents aren't expected to contribute financially at all, receive on average £54 a month from their parents. Clearly most parents don't share your view that they shouldn't help their DC financially while at university, as well as the government expecting parents to stump up. I am basing my assumptions on those facts.

Quitting her job would be sensible? Ok that tells me all I need to know about your attitude.

Quitting her job would be sensible?

It was a somewhat sarcastic comment but...

Of course it is sensible and logical to chose not to work if her parents will support her financially if she doesn't work but not if she has a job. Why would she choose to work for no financial gain to the detriment of her studies? Work experience? She can get that during the summer vacation or use the time to get more valuable, relevant experience as an intern. To be independent on principle? She can always pay her parents back. There is no benefit only disadvantages to working unless she can earn significantly more from her part time job than her parents were giving her.

I would also be pretty unhappy if I were the DD. Her parents have both happily supported her feckless, unemployed brother for 3 years but they won't support her through university. And her DF is going to "help the DC only when they need money" going forward. Let's guess which of the 2 DC is going to need help more? The lazy one without a job? So the DD who is studying and working is penalised for being responsible... Great life lesson.

Oh dear.

Great life lesson but encouraging adults to quit jobs so mummy and daddy pay for everything instead? Great idea.

You should write a book called how to raise entitled little brats.

After the comply of secondary education, parents should support their adult children directly, should they choose to.

In the OP’s case, her husband should give money to the 18 year old and, maybe with conditions, the 21 year old for a short period (with conditions).

His ex can then make a separate arrangement with her children for them to pay board should she choose to.

There is no earthly reason for ‘maintenance’ to be paid for the care of adult children (who have left secondary education).

There is no earthly reason for ‘maintenance’ to be paid for the care of adult children (who have left secondary education)

Except the fact that the resident parent is still paying for them! Oh, you've turned 18 and are about to start college? Great, so mum still has to house and feed you and but you clothes and toiletries and a billion other things, but Dad who had you EOW and never paid half gets to stop his paltry maintenance the minute you turn 18!

Fucks sake women, get a grip.

@bobbojobbo

There is no earthly reason for ‘maintenance’ to be paid for the care of adult children (who have left secondary education)

Except the fact that the resident parent is still paying for them! Oh, you've turned 18 and are about to start college? Great, so mum still has to house and feed you and but you clothes and toiletries and a billion other things, but Dad who had you EOW and never paid half gets to stop his paltry maintenance the minute you turn 18!

Fucks sake women, get a grip.

I never got a penny from my parents at age 18, I was working and buying my own things. No reason an 18 year old can't get a part time job if they're still in education. And the father can give the 18 year old money directly to help them out, it doesn't need to go to the mother.

Were you living at home? If so, you got a lot of penneys

@bobbojobbo

Were you living at home? If so, you got a lot of penneys

No, I moved out at 17. An 18 year old shouldn't rely on mummy and daddy to buy everything for them. They need to learn a bit of responsibility at that age.

I think it stops when they reach 18 regardless so yeah, of course he should stop paying her. His son should get a job.

Then thats a totally different scenario and not at all relevant to 18 year old kids living at home.

The apologists for feckless fathers here are unfathomable.

@bobbojobbo OPs partner doesn’t sound unreasonable. Only on MN do I read these unrealistic views on CM and not charging your child money living at home or expecting spousal maintenance when you’ve not been married long because you can’t be arsed to get a job.

Come on 18 and 21. It time to stand on your own 2 feet in life it’s ridiculous. OP said she had lost her job too!

@bobbojobbo

Then thats a totally different scenario and not at all relevant to 18 year old kids living at home.

The apologists for feckless fathers here are unfathomable.

Can you explain why he is "feckless"?

@bobbojobbo

There is no earthly reason for ‘maintenance’ to be paid for the care of adult children (who have left secondary education)

Except the fact that the resident parent is still paying for them! Oh, you've turned 18 and are about to start college? Great, so mum still has to house and feed you and but you clothes and toiletries and a billion other things, but Dad who had you EOW and never paid half gets to stop his paltry maintenance the minute you turn 18!

Fucks sake women, get a grip.

That's not the situation here at all is it?

Again someone creating their own story, projecting their own issues.