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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh stopping maintenance

323 replies

savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 14:27

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 16/01/2021 14:47

polpot I think the cutoff is when neither parent needs to support the child. He is their child at 8, 18 and 28. Circumstances often dictate young people cannot be self sufficient. Very few are and while he's not supporting himself, regardless of whether he should be, both parents should be contributing to his necessities. If the money goes to the ex she can provide the basics but he has no spending money and that might motivate him. If the money goes directly to him, it will be frittered away, the mum will likely keep providing the basics because that's what most parents would do and she's shafted.

namechangebuttercup · 16/01/2021 14:48

I'd do it a bit differently purely because of the pandemic.

  1. Tell ex payments to her will stop in 3 payments' time.
  2. Payments to kids will continue, if in full time education.
  3. Payments to kids not in FTE will reduce from current levels to zero for following 3 months (or over whatever time frame seems fair).
  4. I would suggest she encourages him to pay rent from the maintenance.
CoolCovidCat · 16/01/2021 14:48

Sounds like DS needs a kick up the arse to get a job. I know it's hard now with covid, but 3 local supermarkets are advertising now for pickers and stackers.

Any reading he can't do something like that?

inquietant · 16/01/2021 14:49

School leaving age, not 18th birthday. Then uni support goes direct to the child.

Tricky if one is still at home, but I would be expecting it to stop.

He needs to speak to her asap really.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/01/2021 14:50

Well that's all very well, but what is the problem with DS? I s he not working because it's the middle of a pandemic and jobs for people with no experience are very thin on the ground? If he's dropped out of college twice and he's living at hime with his mum, what's his mental health like?
Who's paying for his food and heating etc?
I think DH, DS and Ex need to have a frank discussion about what's happening now, what future plans are, and how supporting DS is going to be a shared thing.
The thing is, it's not fair to withdraw financial support from Ex if the reality is that everyone agrees that there are valid reasons for DS not working. Until DS can get a job/training, surely both his parents should be contributing to his keep? It's not fair to make this Ex's sole responsibility. It wouldn't be right to have a situation where Ex covers his living costs, and your DH just gives pocket money as and when he thinks it appropriate.
What does DDH think DS should be doing, and where does he think he should be living?
In the interests of fairness, I've got young family members in a similar situation to DS - one of them dropped out of uni twice due to mental health issues, had a few non-starter jobs, ( non-starter because she was not paid in one of them, and assualted in the other) but who eventually found an apprenticeship 6 months later.. that looks like it is going down the pan because the company is folding..
The other also left uni for MH reasons, got a temp job just before lockdown 1, was let go after 6 weeks because of Covid, and has done some desultory online studying since. Can't get a job because no experience, no training in anything, no hospitality work around because of Covid ... his MH is improving but thing s are not great. I don't think it would be OK for either of these to be kicked out, and I suspect there are similar issues with your DSS.

bobbojobbo · 16/01/2021 14:51

I find it crazy when maintenance is paid for what basically are adults!!

When your children live in your home you don't just cut them off when they turn 18. You don't stop making them food and buying them clothes and paying the electricity bills that they use.
The resident parent still has many costs associated with their now "adult" children, its not fair for the NRP (who has usually only ever paid a fraction of the costs anyway) to suddenly decide thats it.

BooBahBoo · 16/01/2021 14:51

Absolutely stop it now. All the children are adults, and he can still help them out with money, directly. She can't expected to be helped out until the day she dies so the quicker she gets used to it, the better.

Aprilx · 16/01/2021 14:51

@HugeAckmansWife

So what would you say if the son wanted to come and live with his father instead? Would you be happy for your household to meet all of his costs and not feel his mother should contribute? 18 may be legally be an adult but most of them aren't financially independent at that age, regardless of whether they are working or not. In an ideal world he'd be working yes but this is far from that now and he needs support. For as long as that is thease it should not fall to one parent only.
If an adult son wants to live with them, then the financial arrangements are between the son and the father, nothing to do with mother. There are people in their thirties living with parents would a non resident parent be expected to support them forever!
Viviennemary · 16/01/2021 14:53

If his children are not self supporting I don't see why it should be any more the ex wife's responsibility than the responsibility of your DH. I think it needs to be thought through.

GretaSheen · 16/01/2021 14:54

Totally fine. Ex stopped giving maintenance when youngest DC was 16.

Any money after that when directly to the DC and was their 'monthly allowance' and they never got money from me.

Personally the 21 Yr old needs a kick up the arse.

SunshineandShudders · 16/01/2021 14:54

Of course it makes sense on paper but DS is still costing his mother, so it depends how willing you are to give DS a home and/or how willing and able DH is to sort his son out.

2kool4skool · 16/01/2021 14:54

She can’t possibly expect to be given free money for the rest of her life? Surely? Do people do that?! Why on Earth??

stealthninjamum · 16/01/2021 14:56

I agree ds does need a kick up the arse and would be interested to hear how dad will support that other than just stopping money. To me it seems unfair to pull the rug out from under the mum - unless a conversation was held a few years ago. It’s very easy for the dad to stop paying but if the mum can’t easily walk away from the financial responsibility.

bobbojobbo · 16/01/2021 14:58

Totally fine. Ex stopped giving maintenance when youngest DC was 16

If the child was still living with you, why was that totally fine? Did she suddenly stop costing you any money?

Some of these responses are appalling.

DHdweller · 16/01/2021 15:00

Sounds reasonable to me.

CharlotteRose90 · 16/01/2021 15:02

After 18 it’s definitely reasonable, my dad stopped paying at 16 for us.

Original poster
savethegiblets · 16/01/2021 15:04

DS is 21 and unemployed, dd is 18 and at college.

@HugeAckmansWife he would not be coming to live with us unless he had a job and started paying us digs. I worked FT in a restaurant when I was 19, and yes it is bloody hard to find work, I remember well, I’m only 30! He worked for a few weeks then chucked it. SAMe with college. His mum let him lie in bed all day so dh started phoning him early, taking him out on jobs with him to motivate him to get up, showered etc but he just has no passion or drive. His sister is the opposite, she has her whole life mapped out, when she wants something she makes it happen lol.

OP posts:
ZoeTurtle · 16/01/2021 15:05

How much would it impact his son's quality of life? If his mum struggles financially then I think your husband has a responsibility to make sure his son's home life is comfortable (not necessarily luxurious). It's not exactly easy to find a job right now, especially for an unskilled teenager.

If their mum can manage then I'd give her 4-6 weeks' notice so she can rearrange finances if she needs to, e.g. cancelling unnecessary direct debits.

mekitgubakuds · 16/01/2021 15:06

@bobbojobbo when your adult children live at home you tell them that they are adults and they need to contribute!

Get a job in a supermarket, delivery driver, anything to start them on the road to independence!

If you chose not to do that and prefer to support them that is your choice, but the ex shouldn't be expected to carry on paying.

Doublefaced · 16/01/2021 15:06

Who is supporting his DD with rent etc ( assuming she’s at uni?)

orangenasturtium · 16/01/2021 15:08

@HugeAckmansWife

So what would you say if the son wanted to come and live with his father instead? Would you be happy for your household to meet all of his costs and not feel his mother should contribute? 18 may be legally be an adult but most of them aren't financially independent at that age, regardless of whether they are working or not. In an ideal world he'd be working yes but this is far from that now and he needs support. For as long as that is thease it should not fall to one parent only.
This.

If the DD is at uni, her DM will still be expected by the government to be supporting her financially and top up her loan, unless she gets the maximum loan (although they doesn't always cover the actual cost eg in London). I think it is fine to pay the DD directly but not to reduce the payments, unless your DH wants to be the parent supporting the loan and take on all financial responsibility for his DD and ask her DM to pay CM.

Giving money to his DS directly would be the worst thing to do. That gives his DS a great disincentive when it comes to getting a job or going back into education. I think he needs to sit down with his ex and his DS and help his DS work out a plan for the future and both parents need to financially support that.

If your DH needs to renegotiate the amount and the money isn't needed by the DM, he should discuss that with her their DM doesn't have the option to just stop paying to support their DC.

ZoeTurtle · 16/01/2021 15:09

I worked FT in a restaurant when I was 19, and yes it is bloody hard to find work, I remember well, I’m only 30!

Was there a pandemic and an unprecedented number of people unemployed and desperate for any kind of income...? Because I'm 31 and also worked in a restaurant and no, it wasn't anywhere near as hard to find a job as it is right now.

orangenasturtium · 16/01/2021 15:12

Oh, I got the ages the wrong way round. The DS needs to get his act together but I think they still need to all talk and and his DF needs to tell the DS that he needs to start supporting himself and pay board and lodging.

He needs to keep supporting his DD through uni though.

Aimee1987 · 16/01/2021 15:12

There adults and not in full time education. I'm with the others that maintenance is not necessary for them

Doublefaced · 16/01/2021 15:13

@2kool4skool

She can’t possibly expect to be given free money for the rest of her life? Surely? Do people do that?! Why on Earth??
Where has anyone said she wants free money for the rest of her life? Confused