Dh stopping maintenance

[savethegiblets]

Nc for this because I know this is a controversial subject!
Dh has a ds 21 and a dd 18.
Dh and his ex wife had a private arrangement re maintenance. Dsd has now moved out and is living with her bf in her uni town, and dss still lives at home with his mum, has never worked apart from a few weeks in a cafe, and has dropped out of college twice.
Dh has decided is probably about time he stops paying maintenance to his ex, but instead just helps the dsc out with money when they need it etc.
What do people think of this idea? I feel that at 21 and 18 this is definitely reasonable but I have a feeling dh ex will not agree...

Totally reasonable

@bobbojobbo when your adult children live at home you tell them that they are adults and they need to contribute!

Not the day after their 18th birthday.

And actually, YOU might do that, most of use don't treat our children that way.

@ZoeTurtle he had one though! He had found one and he got fed up and chucked it! Dh got him an interview with his work (electricity company) brilliant starting wage and he just wasn’t interested and didn’t go. I got him an interview at a chip shop before Covid, good hours, we offered to let him live with us cos it was closer to us. Wasn’t interested. I was emailing the boss all afternoon saying my dss would be great at this etc I was so embarrassed when I had to email back and say he wasn’t interested.

Btw it sounds like I don’t like my dss, I do I love them both, I am only 9 years older than my dss so most of the time we are more like mates, but he refers to me as his step mum and gets me cards on mother’s day etc so sometimes the relationship probably gets a bit blurred but I do try my best with him. He’s always welcome here, I’ve told both of them that. Several times.

@Doublefaced we are in Scotland so no uni fees, just travel and lunches, books etc.

My point of view is coming from that of an ex wife. My middle DS is 21, just finished his HND in the middle of 2020 and has been applying for numerous jobs. He also has ASD. He lives full time with me, my exH stopped EOWs when he turned 18. He also stopped maintenance at that time. So I’m fully supporting our DS while he tries to find work. I’m in a low paid job, my ExH earns 7x as much as I do.

With your own adult children, do people really kick them out at 20/21 to make their own way in the world? If they aren’t managing that very well? It feels like my exH has abandoned all responsibility for our DS and left me to shoulder that.

My other 2 DSes are 23 and 18, one lives in another city with work and the other is at university. ExH has escaped having to fund them through uni, as the loan is based on my earnings. He seems to have escaped an awful lot.

@Doublefaced sorry, and when lives with her bf and his mum. Ex gives some of the maintenance to bfs mum to pay for dsd since she’s not Living at home now

@Aimee1987

There adults and not in full time education. I'm with the others that maintenance is not necessary for them

Question for you and all the other people who think it’s fine for him to stop financially supporting his kids: How much is a maintenance loan for uni? How much do books for some degree courses cost? What is the average student rent?

OP if he does decide to stop financially supporting his kids, then you’ll make sure he does the same for any kids you may have once they hit the magic age of 18 and stop eating etc?

‘With your own adult children, do people really kick them out at 20/21 to make their own way in the world?’

Only if they’re step kids

Give the ex notice, but YAdefinitelyNBU to stop maintenance for two adult offspring, one of which isn't even being maintained by the ex.

You're currently skint, so FGS spend it on your own bills rather than the ex's. DSS needs to step up and find work and contribute.

Many adult 'kids' in full time education are still being supported by parents ..tuition, rent ext. However a 21 year old not in education/apprenticeship or other form of training is a different matter and should normally be encouraged into full time work. If the 21 year old can't work for some legitimate reason, there should be some state help although this might be hard to get and he may need help in actioning this.

Depends what the 18 year old is doing/going to do. If going away to uni it may well cost you just as much if you divide the tuition and rent between your husband and his ex.

Depending on the situation, if there is no legal reason to continue paying I would tell her and pay 2 further months fully, followed by 2 months paying half.

Of course another consideration is whether the current unofficial arrangement has worked in your favour. If the arrangement you had was cheaper than going through official channels for one reason or another, I think you should bear this in mind in your future decision making. If, for example she has received less this way, or it has benefitted dh and yourself in some way, maybe keep it going a while longer.

You're normally expected to pay child maintenance until your child is 16, or until they're 20 if they're in school or college full time doing: A-levels etc.
I would say stop for son, provide for daughter perhaps even directly to her.

It does sound like he might need some tough love but this isn't an easy time and really I think it's unfair on the ex to not be contributing to the son's living expenses at this time. And to the pp who said about maintenance being 'free money'... Its far from free. If my ex had to pay me childminding rates for the 50% time his children should be with him but aren't I'd be a lot better off. As it is out of my full time wage I pay more than 2/3rds of all my kids expenses and he does fuck all parenting. Maintenance is not, in any form, free money.

‘@Doublefaced we are in Scotland so no uni fees, just travel and lunches, books etc.’

Lunches? So she eats once a day? Phone? Laptop? Clothes? Toileteries? Heaven forbid she’d be allowed a bit of a social life eh?

Just because something is legally acceptable, it doesn't make it morally right.
How so many women can stand beside men who drop their financial obligations to their kids at the first available opportunity is depressing. What low bars you set for these men.

@savethegiblets

DS is 21 and unemployed, dd is 18 and at college.

@HugeAckmansWife he would not be coming to live with us unless he had a job and started paying us digs. I worked FT in a restaurant when I was 19, and yes it is bloody hard to find work, I remember well, I’m only 30! He worked for a few weeks then chucked it. SAMe with college. His mum let him lie in bed all day so dh started phoning him early, taking him out on jobs with him to motivate him to get up, showered etc but he just has no passion or drive. His sister is the opposite, she has her whole life mapped out, when she wants something she makes it happen lol.

You and his father obviously have a much better idea of how to manage things than his mother. So you should ask him to come and live with you - that way you can sort him out AND save the big sums of money that you are now spending on maintenance.

Ask his mother will be able to save money on her bills or even downsize now she can have a two bedroom house rather than a 3 bedroom.

So everyone is a winner!

So your DH stops paying his ex and she says that she can't afford to support him at home any longer. She tells DS he has to leave in x weeks time when the money stops.

Then what?

Where does DS live? If he manages to find a job in the middle of a pandemic and lockdown when many businesses have shut their doors, how long do you think it will take for him to save up enough for a deposit and the first couple of months rent? Where does he live in the meantime?

It's all well and good to say "Stop the money and give him pocket money instead" and "Make him stand on his own two feet" but your DH really needs to think through what the outcomes are likely to be.

Rather than unilaterally decide that he's no longer going to pay, he needs to sit down with his ex and his DS and between them work through what the next steps will be.

I absolutely agree that the DS needs to take on responsibility for himself and gain his independence. I just don't think that leaving the ex to either evict DS or provide for him alone while DH plays Lord Bountiful handing out pocket money is the right way to do it.

@DecemberSun

Perfectly reasonable, should have stopped when they turned 18.

What nonsense.

Do 18 year olds suddenly morph into people that don't eat, or need shelter and necessities?

My 22 year old graduated last year in a pandemic with no chance of a job.

Should I throw her out?

If the child is still at home, then of course the father should contribute.

@PolPotNoodle l didn’t realise The Offspring were touring either!

So long as you pay the money directly to DSD and DSS comes to live with you then of course.

@ZoeTurtle

How much would it impact his son's quality of life? If his mum struggles financially then I think your husband has a responsibility to make sure his son's home life is comfortable (not necessarily luxurious). It's not exactly easy to find a job right now, especially for an unskilled teenager.

If their mum can manage then I'd give her 4-6 weeks' notice so she can rearrange finances if she needs to, e.g. cancelling unnecessary direct debits.

Seriously?! he's 21. If his home life isn't comfortable, he can get a job to pay for it.

How many threads are there on here saying parents are awful if they charge their adult child board?

How would you feel if the DS moves in with you if the ex can't afford to support him?

@Doublefaced the son dh and I have is disabled so will probably never leave home sadly. Btw if dss phoned today and asked to come stay I absolutely would say yes, they both have a bedroom here, and tbh they are brilliant with their little brother and he adores them which makes me love them even more. I just don’t want dss to waste his life, I sometimes I feel like I did that, I dropped out of uni when I was pregnant and I regret it sometimes, despite being happy now, I know I could have done better and dss is a clever guy.

I'd stop paying for the son. I'd give the daughter 50% directly.

He has to grow up sometime. Question though, has the CM decreased in line with your lost income?

Perfectly reasonable for him to stop now OP. Amazed he’s been paying for his Ds for so long really!

@Doublefaced dsd has a job and receives money from us and her mum, she’s fine she’s doing grand.

@connie I asked him to come live with us and found that wee job for him but his mum
Didn’t think it was a good idea and he just kinda agreed so that was the end of that.

Some very strange responses on here.

The man, aged 21, still living at home is not in college or employment and has turned down or stopped jobs. The OP has offered him to live with them but was also turned down.

The 18 woman, is no longer living at home at all, she has moved out. The OP has not said to not give her money but to stop paying the ex and could pay his daughter directly.

Seems very reasonably to me to stop maintaince, but do give some warning. She must be expecting it really.