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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn’t want to marry

610 replies

StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:18

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 10:23

YABU to expect it after 18 years, three children and financial dependence.

He stands to gain nothing from marriage - he will only lose out if you divorce.

The time for marriage is before you give away your financial security and earning power.

Do you work? You need to get a job and start building up savings and pensions in your own name. Do you have full National Insurance contributions? You need to make sure you do, so that you are eligible for a full state pension.

“Not wanting to be married” seems very cool when you are young, but there is a reason people get married before having children - so they don’t end up destitute years down the line.

MaskingForIt · 16/01/2021 10:24

This reply has been deleted

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CrotchBurn · 16/01/2021 10:24

You are in a massively vulnerable situation. Why would you give up work if you're not married?

Original poster
StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:26

@CrotchBurn no family around at all, childcare issues so really only option atm to be SAHM

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 16/01/2021 10:26

There may be financial provision in the event of his death, but what would you do if he were to end the relationship?
I fear you'd be left with absolutely nothing.

HollowTalk · 16/01/2021 10:26

Oh this is awful. Why on earth did you give up your financial independence? Have you not paid NI in all this time? You really need to get a job. You've basically been an unpaid servant for all these years.

Plumplumbadum · 16/01/2021 10:27

I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) .
This is why he doesn't want to marry you. He knows you'd get half in a divorce. Also he has you staying at home doing all the work and looking after the kids. Man, he's got it made.

tobedtoMNandfart · 16/01/2021 10:27

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
In the UK we commonly always use 'Registry Office'. And 'wedding List'. Get over yourself.
Respectabitch · 16/01/2021 10:27

I mean YANBU to want to be married but you've left it a bit late to make an issue of it. The time to make a condition of it was before the 3 DC and giving up work.

YHB fairly U to make yourself so dependent. You need to get back into work urgently.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/01/2021 10:28

I wouldn’t in his position either and would advise my son or daughter to do the same with such assets whilst pre nips are not legally binding.

If marriage wasnt important to you before then why now? That’s what I would be thinking as it only now benefits you and not him if you split after.

PegasusReturns · 16/01/2021 10:30

MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents

Not in the U.K. it’s a registry office Confused

Harmarsuperstar · 16/01/2021 10:30

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
Register Office, I thought? Known commonly as registry Office. Not sure where you've got registration from?
TaraR2020 · 16/01/2021 10:31

I'm more concerned that you're so financially dependent on him tbh. Can you have your name added to the title deeds?

It might be worth agreeing a legal document which sets out how you'd split assets in the event of a break up - although I don't want to advise you to do this if it might precipitate one. What do you think?
Marriage would be the easier way to resolve this, although I'm not sure you'll have much luck after 18y.

Tbh, for financial security I think you should look at getting a job and contributing financially to the home and also building your own savings, including an emergency fund.

The first poster, although quite blunt, has hit the nail on the head. Far more important to secure your financial independence.

PegasusReturns · 16/01/2021 10:32

OP you’re in a very precarious situation. Your DP stands to gain nothing through marriage other than the risk of losing half of it.

How long have you not worked? At this stage your only option is to point out you are in a precarious position and tell him that you are going back to work in order to provide yourself with the security you need and he needs to be responsible for half the childcare either in terms of providing it or financing it.

Lenin1870 · 16/01/2021 10:32

Marriage in this situation sounds like there’s everything in it for you and nothing for him

If I’m reading it correctly he paid for the house and the inheritance was to him from his family.

If that’s right - YABU. You’ve got a good thing going having access to all that money and a mortgage free house, to legally want half of it signed over to you so you could take it if you split up - seems a bit much.

Your kids will get all of that wealth further down the line anyway, so I’d question your intentions

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2021 10:33

I voted YABU because you are totally unrealistic to expect someone who has absolutely GOT IT MADE for himself to suddenly change after 18 years of sitting pretty. Sad

How old are your children?

Roselilly36 · 16/01/2021 10:33

I can see why you are upset, completely understandable in the circumstances.

Has your DP said why he doesn’t want to get married?

Hoppinggreen · 16/01/2021 10:34

You are financially very vulnerable and he doesn’t want to marry you because it would entitle you to his assets if he leaves

AIMD · 16/01/2021 10:34

Your concern about the finances are valid. If your at home contributing to how the household is run you should also have some of your own financial security by sharing some of the assets.

Maybe speak to a financial advisor or lawyer about this and how to protect yourself in the event of a relationship breakdown or his death.

I’d be more concerned about that than the marriage.

Although he can’t verbalise why he doesn’t want to get married can you logically explain why you do? Is it just finances issue or something else?

Original poster
StandingMirror · 16/01/2021 10:34

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss what I meant was not important it had to happen straight away. I was happy to have children first as at start he never said or made it 100% clear he didn’t want to marry. I just assumed the longer we were together and we had children and a good relationship marriage would follow naturally

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 16/01/2021 10:34

MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
I have never heard anyone refer to it as such. It may be an office for the registration of births, marriages and deaths but everyone who has ever said it in my company has said 'Registry offce'.

What's with the nit-picking though anyway?

WhereamI88 · 16/01/2021 10:34

Get your ducks in a row, including your CV, put kids in childcare and get a job. Future is looking bleak and you'd be an absolute mug to stick around as a SAHM.

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2021 10:35

”And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.
Register Office, I thought? Known commonly as registry Office.
Not sure where you've got registration from?

Pulled it out of her arse.

Isadora2007 · 16/01/2021 10:36

You need to sit down and discuss the financial position you’re in and get something agreed for your own protection. You are kind of being unreasonable to settle
Down and have kids with someone you haven’t actually agreed to marry if you felt marriage was important. It should have been something discussed prior to kids and you could have walked away after 2/3 years etc.

EileenGC · 16/01/2021 10:36

'Some' financial arrangements? I hope they are real, solid ones. Do you know exactly how these would protect you and your children if he were to pass away next week? What happens if in 2 years you want to leave him or he meets someone else? What are your and your DC's rights whilst he's still alive?

Marriage would be a deal breaker for me, so YANBU. But then it's also been 18 years and you gave up your financial security a long time ago so he doesn't see why you want to change the situation now.

You're in an extremely vulnerable position financially.