He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

I also find that whilst the decision can be joint, I know a fair few cases where the SAHP has not wanted to return, even when that has been the original plan
This was pointed out from the first pages because ultimately, that's what it only comes down to.

At some point, there would have been a discussion about OP giving up work when she fell pregnant with the twins. They went through IVF so he was clearly committed to family life.

So either they jointly agreed that there was no point in going back to work, or they didn't. Most likely an agreement or not that OP would become a sahm now for an unforseen time or she'd go back when the twins started school but then didn't.

If he 100% supported OP not going back to work, then she should have been much more pushy about discussing her financial security.

If the agreement was for her to go back when they could claim the 30h or started school, but she then decided that she wasn't going to go back for a long time and therefore not contribute financially at all, then his position is more understanding.

It’s not the laws, or even marriage it’s about being able to discuss financial arrangements detached from trust before starting a family. Even if they agreed marriage before children, he still may have wanted a protection for his inheritance and assets. The not being able to talk about this openly leaves those with assets reluctant to marry, some with assets finding themselves losing them after short marriages or people only dating people of similar bank balance. It’s not about sharing equal assets built in the marriage but the ownership of assets built before the marriage.

Right at the beginning you need to be a hard arse and refuse to compromise your career or to have his children without being married. If walks away then so be it good escape better know at the outset. Or stay together unmarried but on a ruthlessly equal basis 50/50 no wife work no career step back etc. He can’t have the benefits of marriage without being married. Only fair. I have known women do this. Know your worth.

Sad thing is some young women don’t have the confidence to do this and are grateful to be in the relationship so drift into these arrangements. By the time you are in ops position it’s too late.

@Brefugee
My friend married in the same country as me few years later- we are both from there- EU (Central Europe country) , our husbands are both Brits.
That’s what I thought if get married in EU - weddings are equally recognised in UK.
However she said she had to register her wedding somewhere here in the Uk and insisted it was a needed to to do it otherwise wedding invalid.
My DH says it’s rubbish and refused to do anything.

@MsTSwift

Right at the beginning you need to be a hard arse and refuse to compromise your career or to have his children without being married. If walks away then so be it good escape better know at the outset. Or stay together unmarried but on a ruthlessly equal basis 50/50 no wife work no career step back etc. He can’t have the benefits of marriage without being married. Only fair. I have known women do this. Know your worth.

Sad thing is some young women don’t have the confidence to do this and are grateful to be in the relationship so drift into these arrangements. By the time you are in ops position it’s too late.

I agree, but so many women just want a baby that they aren’t willing to do that. Their wish for a baby is stronger than their wish for legal and financial equality. It is only years down the line that they realise how screwed they are.

[quote Washingmyself]@Brefugee
My friend married in the same country as me few years later- we are both from there- EU (Central Europe country) , our husbands are both Brits.
That’s what I thought if get married in EU - weddings are equally recognised in UK.
However she said she had to register her wedding somewhere here in the Uk and insisted it was a needed to to do it otherwise wedding invalid.
My DH says it’s rubbish and refused to do anything.[/quote]
This isn’t a hard one to solve. Call your local register office or Citizens Advice Bureaux and ask them. It doesn’t matter if your husband refuses to do it. Do it yourself!

It the marriage is valid in the country you married in it’s recognised here. The mick jagger issue was they had a beach ceremony and it wasn’t legal in Indonesia where the wedding took place. So your dh is right as long as you did all the correct paperwork in the jurisdiction you married in you don’t need to do anything here.

It seems you have things set up if he does- but not if the relationship ends.

Say for example he met someone else and wanted to leave you. You would be left without a home, little savings while you have sacrificed your career and NI earnings to look after the children and the home.
Picture him with his

The passivity of some women on this thread around major life decisions is truly terrifying and extremely sad. I don't understand why so many hand over their power and independence to men so willingly.

@washingmyself stop asking on this thread and contact the relevant authorities, no-one on this thread can categorically say whether you are legally married or not. It's fairly fundamental and not something I would leave to chance. Take control.

However she said she had to register her wedding somewhere here in the Uk and insisted it was a needed to to do it otherwise wedding invalid.

Since you then went on to say your DH won't do anything, I'd just call the local registrar's office and check. But it doesn't sound plausible to me, I married in UK and live in Germany and aside of saying "hey, I'm married, change my tax code" i've not had to do anything outside of produce my marriage cert to show that I'm not telling porkies.

The only time I've had to have it translated and certified was for citizenship purposes, but that's nothing to do with registering it, as such.

To reform the law is just another way of saying a person can be a set stripped without their consent just because they live with someone. There is already a perfectly acceptable provision called marriage /civil partnerships and if a person wants to enter such a contract they can

I agree with this. The financial and legal commitment of marriage needs to be a choice that two people enter willingly, not just because they live together.

If someone isn't willing to enter that commitment with you, you can make your own decisions about whether or not to live with them, have children, live in a house you're not on the mortgage of, give up work etc...

I agree, but so many women just want a baby that they aren’t willing to do that. Their wish for a baby is stronger than their wish for legal and financial equality. It is only years down the line that they realise how screwed they are

Sperm is not a scare commodity.

And they know at the time how screwed they will be if he leaves, they just think it won’t happen to them because lurve.

What saddens me most is that, after 18 years together, 3 DC etc, he is happy to leave you in a really precarious and downright dangerous financial situation when he is in such a good, secure financial position. Marriage or no marriage, if I was with someone who I saw as a life partner, I would expect us both to share our assets, at least to some degree - at least anything acquired during the relationship.

@ZippedyDooDa

What saddens me most is that, after 18 years together, 3 DC etc, he is happy to leave you in a really precarious and downright dangerous financial situation when he is in such a good, secure financial position. Marriage or no marriage, if I was with someone who I saw as a life partner, I would expect us both to share our assets, at least to some degree - at least anything acquired during the relationship.

I agree. It shows that he thinks of her as an unpaid housekeeper and nanny, rather than his life partner.

Words are cheap.

He absolutely knows what marriage means and that's why he has never done it and would rather lose OP and living with her and their kids than do it now.

I certainly am not suggesting that you have to be married to be in love, but refusal to marry in situations like this is not a sign of devotion.

If marriage means that pre marital and even pre relationship assets or inheritance is to be shared then it follows that anyone with assets will avoid marriage. Living in a romantic hope that the person with wealth will share because of decisions around being a SAHP is far too late. Had he been asked to lay his cards on the table before children then both sides make an informed decision about their futures. But people avoid the money conversations. Personally in this position I would of preferred him to keep his inheritance separated and the mortgage to become joint with the choice of ring fencing deposits. Then the SAHP gains security and equity and the person with the assets not formed in the relationship can choose what to do with their assets.

“What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too” must be his motto.

Actually years ago I worked with a guy who had what we all thought was a wife and 3 kids but turned out they weren’t married - he dumped her and went off with someone else Scot free. He was a family law solicitor too. He was a right bastard thinking about it. Fwiw Everyone in our small office thought he had behaved despicably. The secretaries hated his guts for that.

If marriage means that pre marital and even pre relationship assets or inheritance is to be shared then it follows that anyone with assets will avoid marriage.

Not necessarily, it depends what each party brings to the table and what their price of admission is.

If women weren’t willing to have sex/children and do all the wife work without marriage, then the man might find marriage to be beneficial to him. But as ever, women want babies and will take whatever comprise they can.

[quote Washingmyself]@Brefugee
My friend married in the same country as me few years later- we are both from there- EU (Central Europe country) , our husbands are both Brits.
That’s what I thought if get married in EU - weddings are equally recognised in UK.
However she said she had to register her wedding somewhere here in the Uk and insisted it was a needed to to do it otherwise wedding invalid.
My DH says it’s rubbish and refused to do anything.[/quote]
I would to ensure the inheritance benefits on death. If you are a Uk resident it's more complicated and the rules don't apply worth validating your marriage records here though

Money that's why he's not marrying you, you're entitled to nothing if the relationship breaks down. If you are married you are entitled!

If women weren’t willing to have sex/children and do all the wife work without marriage, then the man might find marriage to be beneficial to him. But as ever, women want babies and will take whatever comprise they can.

All that needs to be said.

If women weren’t willing to have sex/children and do all the wife work without marriage, then the man might find marriage to be beneficial to him

So marriage is an exchange for sex and wifework?

I'm not married (my choice - he'd have loved a wife) - and I don't do that shit.

I just want the same name as my children

Oh god, so you gave your children his surname too even though he's not married to you? Why do this? 😳 Why would he want to get married now? He has all the benefits of marriage (children, the "prestige" of the children having his surname, free childcare, a free live in house keeper, free sex) with none of the financial risk or commitment.

OP, has he definitely made a will? If not you might find his estate going to his parents if they're still alive.

I was in your situation, ex dumped me after 16 years, I had given up my job. Did you contribute to household bills before the children came along?

Omg..you are in a vulnerable position
Although a long term relationship should net you something if all fails