He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

@RandomMess If he won't marry you will he change the deeds in the house to be 50:50?

Of course he won’t!! What’s in it for him? There is no way that’s ever going to happen. I certainly wouldn’t in his position. OP has no bargaining power here.

[quote StandingMirror]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss what I meant was not important it had to happen straight away. I was happy to have children first as at start he never said or made it 100% clear he didn’t want to marry. I just assumed the longer we were together and we had children and a good relationship marriage would follow naturally[/quote]
Did you make it 100% clear that you DID eventually want to marry?

There are some harsh responses on this thread. I can see why you got yourself into this situation although it was unwise to do so. The simple fact is that you can't make him marry you, so the best thing you can do is find yourself a job asap. He'll have to step up and take some responsibility for childcare and perhaps he will value you more.
I'm so sorry you are in this position.

OP you need to get a job and quick.

Draw up a list of household responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, childcare, drop offs and pick ups and tell him which 50% of that he's doing.

@AhNowTed Excuse me?

It is an insult. He's made it clear he has no intention of making a legal connection to you so he can "keep all his money".

Without a job you are entirely dependent on his whim. He can throw you out tomorrow if he wants to, leave you utterly destitute. Men do not marry because they enjoy this hold. House kept in his name. Savings all in his name.

It's control. You're no more than property to him, and you can guarantee he'll say "if you don't like it, then leave", knowing full well you cannot (unless you want to live in a box under a bridge somewhere.)

@Lenin1870 are you the DH?

• loves you 😐 ffs

Definitely not unreasonable to expect better, however you are far too late to be thinking of this only now. The best thing you could do for yourself is to get back to work and either get yourself out on the house deeds or at least get a beneficial interest lodged (if you can).

All of you saying ‘he needs to do this, he needs to do that, you raised HIS children, family money blah blah blah’.

It means NOTHING without the legal protection of marriage. He LEGALLY doesn’t need to do anything, nor does he owe her a thing.

He was smart and protects his interests, OP wasn’t.

*OP you need to get a job and quick.

Draw up a list of household responsibilities, cooking, cleaning, childcare, drop offs and pick ups and tell him which 50% of that he's doing*

Yep. Financial independence and sharing the burden of domestic labour is always the way to go.

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

There's always fucking one isn't there

@MaskingForIt do you feel better after, when an OP has opened up and asked for support, you've corrected her wording and not given advice. Did that make you feel nice and superior.

And BTW you're wrong. Registration offices are AKA registry offices

First rule of being a SAHM: you MUST insist upon getting married if you are giving up your job and will be financially dependent on partner. If they don't want to they can enjoy their half of the childcare fees and you should get straight back to work.

You've kinda shot yourself in the foot here OP...sorry, not sure what else to say. You can raise the idea again but of course he doesn't really have anything to benefit from marrying you. You've given him all he needs for a great life and he didn't need to marry you for it.

There is now the alternative of a civil partnership between a woman and a man, if for some reason one or both partners don't want to marry. This could be because of witnessing a parents' unhappy marriage, the notion of marriage as being historically one-sided in favour of men, or what I think most of us would consider valid reasons.

However in this case the OPs Dp seems not to have explained his reasons for not wanting to marry, and has all the financial cards so to speak should the relationship break down. Thinking about what would happen were one or other partner to suddenly die is not morbid, just practical.

its too late to fix this really

I agree with others unfortunately OP, the harsh truth is that he is better off remaining unmarried, whereas the opposite is true for you. I would try and get back into the workplace too, and agree with a PP about making sure child benefit has been in your name for pension purposes.

Quite honestly what does he gain by marrying you? Basically he has to give away half of everything he owns.
If the tables were turned would you marry him?
If I were you I'd give up your SAHM status and go hell for leather towards getting a career.
If he left you tomorrow you would have absolutely nothing, no job, no home, nothing.
I'd be shit scared in this situation.

Start looking for work (I appreciate it's an awful time to be looking at the moment, but do it anyway). Get any job you can - literally anything. Leave him to sort out the childcare, school run etc.

He's never going to marry you as there is absolutely no benefit to him at all. In fact it's a bad choice for him from a financial position.

You're in a terrible position OP and I don't think there's anything you can do about it other than make today your starting point and try to get work.

It's control. You're no more than property to him, and you can guarantee he'll say "if you don't like it, then leave", knowing full well you cannot (unless you want to live in a box under a bridge somewhere.)

And yet whenever the genders are reversed high-earning/independent female partner with lower earning stay at home parent, the advice is almost always never to marry - Mumsnet double standards at their finest.

@PicsInRed yes I do receive CB in my name
Also I have worked over the years on and off so I haven’t been a housewife all the time, however was low paid jobs fitted around children
I have some savings but not a massive amount

@anniegun

its too late to fix this really

That's a defeatist attitude. It can't be fixed overnight but any steps the OP can take towards financial independence will put her in a safer position.

The house and his inheritance are in his name. You’re not his wife. If he decided to end the relationship (or you did) I don’t think you’d be able to claim much financially, even though you gave up your career to raise the children? Are all bills and things in his name too?

If you were married and you divorced, you’d be able to remain in the family home until your children turned 18 and would be entitled to half the house and assets including his inheritance/savings? Or am I wrong and has the law changed?

From his point or view I suppose he’s protecting his house and assets in case you split up one day?

He was smart and protects his interests

As would I if I had worked hard enough to be mortgage free and the inheritance savings are his anyway as left to him.

The OP has benefitted from the luxury of not having to work or financially provide for herself or her children. Making out only he has gained isn’t the reality.