He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance)

Oh not another one...

You are in an extremely vulnerable position financially. You have NO legal protection and he knows this.

You have no security whatsoever. Why is everything in his name after 18 years and 3 children.

You really need to protect yourself OP.

He has it all his own way, and you are very vulnerable.

Oh and promises to "look after you" mean nothing.

OP you are in a very bad financial situation, what would happen to you if you and your partner split up? No income, no home in your name, so no equity , possibly no pension.

He doesn’t need to promise to look after you. He could put some assets in your name to prove you would be financially ok.

YABU to expect it after 18 years, three children and financial dependence. He stands to gain nothing from marriage - he will only lose out if you divorce. The time for marriage is before you give away your financial security and earning power

This!!! Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You’ve shat out a bit OP. You have literally no bargaining power in this situation.

You’ve left yourself so, so vulnerable too. You’ve not done things the right way at all.

How long have you been a SAHM? You need to get a job ASAP.

@Lenin1870

Marriage in this situation sounds like there’s everything in it for you and nothing for him

If I’m reading it correctly he paid for the house and the inheritance was to him from his family.

If that’s right - YABU. You’ve got a good thing going having access to all that money and a mortgage free house, to legally want half of it signed over to you so you could take it if you split up - seems a bit much.

Your kids will get all of that wealth further down the line anyway, so I’d question your intentions

DC won't necessarily inherit from him. If he decides to marry someone else, that person will get everything.

I agree that you need to get a job. You (both) will have to figure out the childcare issues.

If a women I was with (regardless of whether that was for 18 hours or 18 years) wanted me to give her half my life-savings marry her, I'd say no to. Even if I thought she deserved to be provided for. I mean, if I wanted to do that, I could do it without marrying her. Which would also leave me the option of changing my mind, and I can always imagine several completely valid and morally defensible future scenarios where I might want to change my mind, albeit they may be far-fetched.,

There are huge absolutely rational reasons why it would be better for him not to get married.

@MaskingForIt get over yourself. You’ve made yourself sound like a dick!!
Everyone I know, including myself says registry office. Never heard registration office.

He’s certainly got it made, no mortgage, savings all in his name and a wee wifey at home looking after everything but he has no financial ties!

You need to get your finances sorted.

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

The not wanting to marry I could cope with. The wanting to leave you completely vulnerable without any financial security should he decide he wants to split up is unacceptable, its leaving you and the kids in a complete mess if he just decided to move abroad tomorrow, youd literally have nothing. How is he with finances generally in terms of sharing equally?

I think I'd give him a choice. Explain how vulnerable this is leaving the kids. And that he can choose to do half the childcare or take a turn doing it 100pc while you get a job, or marry and put your name on the house etc

@TaraR2020 I'm more concerned that you're so financially dependent on him tbh. Can you have your name added to the title deeds?

There is NO WAY on planet Earth he’s going to add her name to the title deeds of his house!! Would you?? OP has been an absolute fool.

If he won't marry you will he change the deeds in the house to be 50:50?

[quote StandingMirror]@CrotchBurn no family around at all, childcare issues so really only option atm to be SAHM[/quote]
not really - there are 2 people in this relationship - time you told him to start doing his share of it as you need to get a job

You are either a team or not, and he is not

Tell him if he sees you as a housekeeper /nanny he is to expect backdated invoices for everything you have done.
Is he intending to Ltb once your dc have flown the nest taking his amassed gain with him?

[quote StandingMirror]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss what I meant was not important it had to happen straight away. I was happy to have children first as at start he never said or made it 100% clear he didn’t want to marry. I just assumed the longer we were together and we had children and a good relationship marriage would follow naturally[/quote]
Op, in the nicest possible way you have been a bloody idiot here. The only solution now is to get yourself back on the career ladder asap and hope for the best.

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

If you’re going to be pedantic at least try and be correct. Registry office is another term for register office.

Oh dear, he is having his cake and eating it here. There’s no incentive for marriage now. Unfortunately, there is no provision in law for long term relationships.

Please tell me you have some sort of pension lined up? You hear about men leaving on here leaving their wives and partners everyday, you are incredibly financially vulnerable.

@Lenin1870

Marriage in this situation sounds like there’s everything in it for you and nothing for him

If I’m reading it correctly he paid for the house and the inheritance was to him from his family.

If that’s right - YABU. You’ve got a good thing going having access to all that money and a mortgage free house, to legally want half of it signed over to you so you could take it if you split up - seems a bit much.

Your kids will get all of that wealth further down the line anyway, so I’d question your intentions

HE paid for the house??

The concept of family money and the wife contribution of bringing up HIS children is clearly an aliens concept to you.

Fuck sake.

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents

It is registry office in UK but whatever it is called, who gives a toss. That's not what the thread is about.

I suggest OP you speak to Citizens Advice on the quiet about your position. I think it is awful that you are his long term partner and mother of his children and he won't commit fully and leaves you in a vulnerable position regarding financial security. Do you think he lives you?

@Lenin1870

Marriage in this situation sounds like there’s everything in it for you and nothing for him

If I’m reading it correctly he paid for the house and the inheritance was to him from his family.

If that’s right - YABU. You’ve got a good thing going having access to all that money and a mortgage free house, to legally want half of it signed over to you so you could take it if you split up - seems a bit much.

Your kids will get all of that wealth further down the line anyway, so I’d question your intentions

@Lenin1870

No the OP is not being unreasonable. She has spent x number of years raising kids rather than being in paid work, thus not building a pension or a career with increasing earning power. As she and her partner have been together for 18 years, this situation must have been with his consent and presumably worked for them both as a way to organise their lives and care for their kids.

Under these circumstances it is perfectly reasonable the OP expect a share of the assets so that in the event of a split she has a financial bedrock as he does.

What else is going on in your relationship, OP?

There are posters on here who have never married, have children, and all is fine.

However, they tend to have shared assets and often have sorted out what will happen in the event of death (slightly morbid but important).

The fact that assets are in his name, the fact that you say you keep raising marriage and he says no - both those make me wonder if there is an elephant in the room in your relationship.

The elephant is your perception that there is a power imbalance at the very heart of your relationship. Not just around money and assets but also around care. You care more, you own less.

And, of course, the two go together. If you care about your partner, you won't wish financial insecurity on them. If you care about your partner, you don't let them live in a situation in which they aren't able to assert themselves.

When you ask him about marriage, it's a straight-up conflict: you're asking him to prioritise your wishes above his own.

And he says no.

In fact, he refuses to even discuss or debate it. He minimises what you're telling him (it makes you unhappy and insecure not being married).

That's the opposite of caring for you.

And he's very bluntly prioritising himself and telling you - very bluntly - that he comes first.

No wonder you're worried.

So ...

Going forwards, you are going to have to prioritise yourself and your future. And, yes, that is going to sometimes cause other people some discomfort.

But, come on, you're owed that. At the moment, your whole existence is about providing comfort for others. That's no way to spend your existence.

Getting a job and childcare is something you really should do.

If it means learning to drive, do that. If it means, initially, paying out more for childcare than you earn - that's fine. You've been unpaid childcare, subsidising his assets for a while now.

And if he sees you are serious, he may well take your next attempt to have a discussion about marriage more seriously too.

It's a horrible feature of humans that they are more likely to give credence to someone in a discussion if they think the person they're talking to isn't a doormat. I wish this were not the case, and it's not true of everyone, but it's common enough for it to be worth you to get yourself in a stronger position.

Please tell me you've been receiving (or registered for) child benefit in your own name, as that is your key to a full pension?

Absoutely you need a job and maximum private pension contributions asap.