He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

And, yes, I agree some posters have been way too harsh.

It's so easy to get into this situation.
Time goes by and you're working so hard at caring, you just don't notice.

But you're noticing now. And that's enough.

I also agree that if he really doesn't want marriage - fine. But there needs to be some sort of financial regulation of assets that gives you security.

It's just not caring to have you in such an insecure situation. And - yes - that is an issue of control. It means you really aren't secure enough to assert yourself or your wishes. And that's not a great relationship - it's a bad relationship.

OP you need to be much more worried about your financial vulnerability than whether you partner is insulting you by not proposing.

You seem to have been drifting very passively in this situation and you really need to take control now.

How old is your youngest child? If they are very little, focus on organising some childcare so you can get your skills up to date/get training etc, and get your CV in order. There are some courses for helping women get back to work. Start doing even a days paid work ASAP (by Spring) so you start to build a CV.

If your child is at school then please do the above but get into a PT role ASAP. Clearly this will involve some negotiation on childcare with your partner, but it is high time you started to assert yourself.

In terms of your (frighteningly) vulnerable situation, start by going to citizens advice to find out what rights you would have in the event of a split.

Separate to that, if you want to get married, tell your partner this, and set plans in place for summer. Give him limited options as you go (July or August, this venue or that) - if he’s been with you for 18 years, he clearly wants to be with you, just isn’t bothered about marriage - so you need to motor it along, rather than waiting to be asked.

As someone said above, in the nicest possible way - you have been a bloody idiot. We don’t live in the Regency as Bridgerton - so please stop behaving like a powerless 18 century woman and take some control.

In your shoes I'd take my future into my own hands. Start an online training course like book keeping so that you can start earning. Anything. What did you do before being a SAHM? Could you get back to that?

You need to start making your own way so that you're not so reliant on him. It IS hard. He will also have to makes sacrifices by helping out with the DC's and housework more. But that's the downside of not getting married isn't it?

Essentially you're in a vulnerable position and you need to find a way to strengthen it.

Why would he want to marry you? He has nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

You may have something in place for if he dies.. what if he leaves? What if he can’t work? Has a horrible accident and is in a vegetative state?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He was smart and protects his interests

As would I if I had worked hard enough to be mortgage free and the inheritance savings are his anyway as left to him.

The OP has benefitted from the luxury of not having to work or financially provide for herself or her children. Making out only he has gained isn’t the reality.

Her children? I assumed they were his children too. Are they not his?

@thecatfromjapan if he really doesn't want marriage - fine. But there needs to be some sort of financial regulation of assets that gives you security

Not legally. He doesn’t have to do a thing. She’s at his mercy because she was a naive bloody idiot. No bargaining power AT ALL.

I assumed they were his children too. Are they not his

He has been providing for his children though by paying the mortgage, bills etc whereas a parent who doesn’t work doesn’t financially provide for their children.

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

Both inaccurate and unkind

Do you have joint bank and savings accounts?

I'm not sure it is too late to fix.

Sure, he might be a controlling monster - in which case it was always broken.

But, if he isn't a total wanker, he won't want to risk fucking up his relationship with the children.

And he may well not want to fuck up his relationship with the OP.

He may, indeed, live the OP.

It's just that, at the moment, he knows she's not going to push this - she can't/doesn't WAB to - so he risks absolutely nothing by saying no.

Which is why OP has everything to gain, and very little to lose, by getting very serious about this.

You need financial and legal advice on how to protect yourself and your children. You are in a vulnerable position now, but it will be much worse once your DC leave home. He will then (probably) have no legal obligation to support or house you, in the event of a split. You could find yourself starting from scratch in your 50s or 60s.

If he won't marry, you need to take alternative steps to protect a stake in the marital home and other assets, including his pension. It's more cumbersome than marriage, but it's doable with the right professional advice.

[quote StandingMirror]@CrotchBurn no family around at all, childcare issues so really only option atm to be SAHM[/quote]
Not having children until you are financially secure either through marriage or independently is always an option.

I know that's harsh but unless he forced himself on you, you're not the victim here.

Agree with others, he has the best of all worlds.

I have a home, a career, savings, pension, there is no way on God's green earth I'd get married 10 years before retirement just so some guy could take it all away from me.
I wouldn't care if we had 10 kids together and had been together 30 years.
Sorry but that's how life is. You need to protect yourself right from the beginning.
I have a few female friends who have married men who don't work who are now living in poverty in their old age because their husbands have taken them for all they can get.

Being a full-time dm isn't a luxurious feeling..

@MaskingForIt

And it is a registration office, not a registry office. Registries are for presents.

Well since we're being boringly pedantic, it's a Register Office.

Bit too clever for your own good, aren't you?

Anyway OP, I was in your position once. We did eventually get married, and it's made a big difference to our security and feeling of being a family.

I’m sorry op, I feel for you I do.
I’m in a similar situation with regards to marriage (been together 21 years and have 2 DDs), but, I’ve always worked, we jointly own our property and I have savings and a private pension and I’ve not really ever wanted to marry.
Have a frank conversation with your DP. It does sound like he’s got the best of both worlds here and if it was agreed that you would be a SAHM to his children, he needs to understand the sacrifices you have made to do that. You’ve sacrificed your own career and financial stability in order to raise the family and it’s incredibly unfair that you’re left so vulnerable.

Stop having sex stop doing his washing / cooking / cleaning ect
Tell him only a wife does those things ..then start applying for jobs and tell him only a wife is a stay at home mum ,girlfriends with children must provide for themselves...get a job and make him pay half the childcare ,.
He’s clearly protecting his money from you ..you have to think of your future x

I don’t think either of you are BU. He doesn’t want to get married which is fine. You do, which is also fine. The issue is a compromise to be able to stay together.

I’d explain that without marriage, you aren’t in a financial situation anymore to be able to be a SAHP. If that means your household ends up with almost no income as a result of hiring a nanny or paying for nursery/wraparound care etc, then so be it. Explain to him that his salary will pay a percentage towards childcare and bills and yours will but unless your job is paid the same amount, those percentages won’t be equal.

You can’t force him to marry you and persisting could ruin yourself relationship. If you want to stay together, what you need to focus on is protecting yourself financially and your future security. The normal way to do that is to get a job.

The official term is 'Register Office' but 'Registry Office' is an accepted common usage. Not that it's of any importance to the OP's dilemma.

If this was the other way around, everyone would be saying don't marry him.

OP you got yourself into this mess by being too trusting and a tad naive. There's a reason you get married before kids. It's not about just love, it's a contract to protect both sides. If someone had to be the main parent and stay at home, they have protection. Doesn't matter if they are male or female.

Get a job, a full time one, and start saving for a pension. If he won't protect you properly, you'll have to go it yourself and he can start doing 50% childcare.

But expect him to break up with you as well by this point. He won't stay more than likely.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I assumed they were his children too. Are they not his

He has been providing for his children though by paying the mortgage, bills etc whereas a parent who doesn’t work doesn’t financially provide for their children.

No the op obviously hasn’t provided financially for the children. She has however (I assume) done the bulk or parenting and care tasks, which no doubt allowed her partner to continue to work and gain more financial security FOR HIMSELF while having his children cared for free of charge.

If he won’t marry you - you have some very tough decisions to make.

1. Stay, and hope you never break up. But...

You could be homeless if he dies.
You might not be his pension recipient.
You might not be able to claim his death in service benefits.
You are not his next of kin - you can’t ‘sign off’ for serious medical / end of life care.
He can change any financial (including will) document at any point and not inform you.
If he dies and your adult DC want to sell the house - they can. A terrible thought but it happens.
He can throw you out of the house with no notice.

You do have options.

1. He marries you.
2. Assets to be put in your name - if he won’t marry.
3. You go out to work and bank all of your pay. Partner should pay all childcare related costs.
4. You leave him and leave the children with him and have contact at weekends / holidays etc... yes this is controversial but you are playing £ and career catch up. I’m guessing you’re 40ish, no pension, limited mortgage options, career progression.

Society shouldn’t condemn women for making hard choices that men have been able to socially make since the year dot.

Either your partner is so dim that he doesn’t understand the very precarious position you’re in. Or he doesn’t care.
Do you want to spend the rest of your days feeling on a knife’s edge? It would kill any love and respected I’d feel.

There is no going back. Your best bet @StandingMirror is to get a job and try to accumulate some savings etc and pay into a pension and hope he doesn’t end the relationship or sling you out in the meantime.

He’s never going to marry you or give you a penny. However this relationship ends, you’ll walk away with nothing.

OP have you tried telling him you want a civil partnership?

You need to have a conversation about this with him