He doesn’t want to marry

[StandingMirror]

Hi
I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 years and have three children together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage wasn’t that important to me, however now we have children and we’ve been together this long it’s something that I want.
I’ve mentioned it several times over the years, however nothing ever changed.
I don’t want a big wedding, registry office would be just fine.
Yesterday we were watching Bridgerton and I jokingly said it’s an insult you don’t want to marry me haha. But then I thought about it more and thought actually yes it is kind of an insult we’ve been together this long, we have children and I want to marry but I’m clearly not good enough for you. Partner kind of got in a huff and said oh not this again. This is his standard answer but never gives me a reason why he won’t marry. This morning I’m getting the silent treatment and when I commented on it he’s saying well I’m always getting that treatment.
I’m a SAHM, house ( mortgage free) in his name and all savings in his name (inheritance) . Some financial arrangements made in case of his death.
Am I really this unreasonable to expect better?

So op, the minute the kids are no longer dependent, he can chuck you out, keep his house, his assets, his pension, his entire life...

And you will have nothing.

I think I'd get out now, because there is NO WAY he has NOT thought about how he will be able to leave you with nothing, whilst keeping all the money and assets from your partnership.

He will def be OK Jack.

I'd leave him now and claim everything I could from him whilst getting my own finances and pension.

@Tier10 OP have you tried telling him you want a civil partnership?

She can tell him anything she wants he’s not going to legally commit to her because he stands to lose half of everything if they split.

@CakeRequired

If this was the other way around, everyone would be saying don't marry him.

OP you got yourself into this mess by being too trusting and a tad naive. There's a reason you get married before kids. It's not about just love, it's a contract to protect both sides. If someone had to be the main parent and stay at home, they have protection. Doesn't matter if they are male or female.

Get a job, a full time one, and start saving for a pension. If he won't protect you properly, you'll have to go it yourself and he can start doing 50% childcare.

But expect him to break up with you as well by this point. He won't stay more than likely.

With that potential in mind. Maybe quietly get financial and legal advice before speaking to him.

I’m sorry I agree, you’re not a victim here. You’re a grown woman who chose this herself. It’s not insulting he doesn’t want to marry you. You’re not entitled to it. He is entitled to not marry you and to protect himself financially. Just as it would be if the situation was reversed and you owned property and he didn’t and didn’t work.

Honestly. Get yourself back to work. You need to take financial responsibility for yourself both now and in rhe future.

Why on Earth have you left yourself so dependent in this day and age?? My sister has to be a SAHM she has a very disabled child. Her partner and her got married to protect her should anything happen she also works a few evening shifts in a pub (pre covid) why would he marry now if you were to spilt he has it all of you married he’d lose everything.
I’m not saying this is his reasoning but however good your relationship I think it’s silly to become financially dependent on anyone be it man or women. Does he pay for everything? Your clothes kids clothes etc?

Can I ask....any knowledgable. Would op not have any claim simply because they aren’t married? I thought I’d you had lives together for a substantial amount of time as “common law partner” (if that’s the right term) you could still claim some of their assets.

These “I will protect my assets” types she isn’t a new gold digger she has provided childcare and housekeeping for 18 years! If she hadn’t been there how would mr clever have sorted that? Would have cost him a fortune to pay others to do so. He has benefitted off the ops unpaid labour for years he has the best of all worlds unpaid childcare and housekeeping and he can leave at whim with no financial penalty. it’s outrageous when you think about it for one minute. Follow catfromjapans excellent advice.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

He was smart and protects his interests

As would I if I had worked hard enough to be mortgage free and the inheritance savings are his anyway as left to him.

The OP has benefitted from the luxury of not having to work or financially provide for herself or her children. Making out only he has gained isn’t the reality.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

No, the OP and her partner have been in a partnership for 18 years. During this time, they have jointly agreed that he will do paid work and she will work by raising the kids. We can assume this situation is by mutual consent, because they have been together this long. They have jointly decided one income is enough, and this is the easiest way to run their lives and raise their kids.

Unlike her partner the OP will not have built a pension or a career with increasing earning power. Under these circumstances it is perfectly reasonable the OP expect a share of the assets so that in the event of a split she has a financial bedrock as he does.

It is of course perfectly true that it is unwise to entirely give up work, but when people do it is a joint decision with their partners, and thus the income coming into the partnership needs to be treated as an equal asset.

You need to step back and think more analytically.

@AIMD

Can I ask....any knowledgable. Would op not have any claim simply because they aren’t married? I thought I’d you had lives together for a substantial amount of time as “common law partner” (if that’s the right term) you could still claim some of their assets.

The term common law partner/wife has no meaning in law.

Off topic but even in Bridgerton the woman told the Duke they are getting married.

Common law is a pernicious myth. There have been some cases where partners have claimed a beneficial interest in a property but would be a gruelling and expensive slog through the courts to get it and you may fail.

The first thing you need to do is get in touch with the state pension office and see how many years of NI contributions you have towards your state pension. Then keep a very close eye on this.

Secondly, if I were in your position I would open up an account for myself and start putting cash in there. Get a log book and tell the bank you don't want statements sent home and stash it away. Syphon off money from withdrawals, get a bit of cash back on shopping at the till and put it away. If you did this £80 a month over a year you would have £1K a year.

Thirdly, you need a job.

Agree with Snowfields further up the thread.

Also, I am just amazed at the way so many men seem acutely aware of how marriage can disadvantage them in the event of a split (hence avoid it), and how many women, on the other hand, see totally unaware of the implications of being unmarried, having kids and being a SAHM!

@ptumbi I'd leave him now and claim everything I could from him

What exactly can she claim? Outside of support for the kids, nothing!

It's worth pointing out that men gain an enormous amount from marriage/stable relationships.

So, when posters talk about 'bargaining power', as though the woman has won the lottery when she marries some man, it's not the whole story.

It's been shown that men get promoted more when (other men) see them in a stable relationship, especially one with children.

Men's health and well-being increase measurably when they're in a relationship, long-term.

Society rewards men for being in marital or marriage-like relationships.

You, OP, have conferred all those advantages on your partner.

And you've facilitated a relationship with his children.

All those advantages disappear if the relationship goes bang.

Especially the health and happiness one. (This is worth remembering. If he does screw you over when you get serious with him, you can comfort yourself with the thought he will get sicker sooner, and die earlier. Statistically.)

So, the cards aren't all his.

A long-term relationship/marriage isn't a bargain whose terms you set in stone in the first months. It's an ongoing thing.

Right now, you are creating a really great life for him.

It's a big deal if you turn round and say: 'This is great for you, not so great for me. Things have to change or I'm taking it all away.'

Never, ever underestimate what you are bringing to this relationship.

You went along with it. I can understand an accidental pregnancy, waiting a couple of years, but ultimately, you chose to have yet 2 more children with him. It's hard to believe that marriage was never discussed around these times.

Also, your children must be old enough now that you could go back to work, why aren't you?

Ultimately it comes down to how much he was happy to work and you to stay at home and how much he wanted you to go to work but you were happy to be a sham for 18 years relying fully in him.

If the latter, I don't blame him.

Has he made a will ? And do you know what's in it ?
Yes his children are his dependants , but is their provision in it for you / children.
I'm also guessing that your sporadic working means you have no/ poor pension scheme ? Ok your NI is paid whilst on child benefit , but you need 35 years worth to qualify for full state age pension . You need to get a job.

@AIMD

Can I ask....any knowledgable. Would op not have any claim simply because they aren’t married? I thought I’d you had lives together for a substantial amount of time as “common law partner” (if that’s the right term) you could still claim some of their assets.

'Common law' does not exist and this has been plastered over every known discussion platform, TV discussion and form of media for the last god-knows-how-many-years.

Long-term partners are no one in the eyes of the law. If you have financially put into the home, you might get something back. If you can hire a hotshot lawyer to prove your non-financial contributions to the home, you might get something back. The man will have to pay basic child support, but many refuse. You have as much right to a house you don't own after 25 years as you do after 25 minutes. Proving what you feel you deserve is a long, expensive process few can afford - especially people who have no money of their own. Men can, and do, leave their long-term partners and mothers of their children destitute.

If this was the other way around, everyone would be saying don't marry him

That's true but, when it's the other way round, the male partner has very rarely given up/reduced work to care for children. Usually he is either earning a good wage or is a full-on cocklodger but, either way, he isn't earning less because of unpaid work he is doing on behalf of the family.

When a couple make a decision that one of them will stop/reduce paid work to care for children, the main earner - whether male or female - must recognise that unpaid work and divide assets fairly.

@MsTSwift

Common law is a pernicious myth. There have been some cases where partners have claimed a beneficial interest in a property but would be a gruelling and expensive slog through the courts to get it and you may fail.

Ah right. That’s terrible. You’d think that regardless of marriage if someone had contributed to someone’s child care, quality of their family life etc for that long they’d have some legal protection.

@AIMD I thought I’d you had lives together for a substantial amount of time as “common law partner” (if that’s the right term) you could still claim some of their assets

I can’t believe people still believe this is a thing!!! Seriously?? There is no such thing as Common Law Partner!!

With that potential in mind.
Maybe quietly get financial and legal advice before speaking to him.

Why? To waste more money she doesn't have to waste? All they will tell her is she is entitled to nothing. Having children and raising them doesn't entitle you to what the other parent has.

I would book the registry office as soon as lockdown ends, tell him and all your family and friends that it's happening. I doubt he will have the nerve to refuse if everybody knows. The relationship sounds a bit crap but you need the legal protection.

@AIMD

Can I ask....any knowledgable. Would op not have any claim simply because they aren’t married? I thought I’d you had lives together for a substantial amount of time as “common law partner” (if that’s the right term) you could still claim some of their assets.

There's no such legal entity as a "common law" anything.

Imo OP it's time for a long term planned escape.
You know he won't marry you at least that is certain.
So now what next for you.
I agree you can't just walk out tomorrow.
How old are your dc? Can you study towards something.
A job any job in this circumstance will help you. Tell your dh you need to sit down and work out how you can both work towards this. Tell him the truth, say I accept you will not marry me but I am being left vulnerable so I'd like to get back on my own two feet now.
If his reaction is 'well I'm not helping' then you can continue on your long term plan to escape regardless.

Personally I'd be asking every supermarket, every low paid no skilled job everywhere about a job.
Don't use childcare as an excuse, you will have to face childcare reasons if your dh walks out on you so get on with it,
What are you entitled to if you do leave? Check this out
Start a course online in anything that would increase your chances of employment.

If you want to get a job and your dh isn't able to help with childcare ask him why this is. Perhaps you could get a night job somewhere that allows you to leave when your dh gets in. People do this often when there is no extra help.
Not having a job is unacceptable in your circumstances and you'll be better off accepting that sooner rather than later now that you are quite certain things won't change otherwise.
Unless you are about 89 it's definitely not too late to change this and what exactly are your options if you do not make changes.