Hi there, I wanted to tell you that I'm in a very similar position. Been together 13 years now, 4 kids, joint mortgage. I'm a sahm too. I had job as a teacher when we met, very brief career which I hated so I happily stopped and, by mutual agreement, we chose to have our four kids in very quick succession. Neither of us felt strongly about marriage, and yes i was naive about the implications of that for me a few years on. I was a late starter with kids, so now I'm approaching 50 without much career prospects (I hated teaching and would never ho back to it) but find the role of mum to 4 age 5-10 so busy that working isn't really practical; we just about manage on his wage.
But like you, marriage has taken on a new meaning for me now. And I find it very unhelpful, and judgemental, when people on here wag their fingers, or remind you how irresponsible you've been, or express disbelief that you've gotten yourself into this situation. The fact is, this is a person who has reached out hoping to find a supportive community who will offer helpful suggestions of what to do. Felt I needed to say that.
I've been mulling over what I'll do about it. We've never been completely 100% happy, weve had our issues, and recently I had a bit of an epiphany and realised I needed to change things. He can be grumpy, he's quite negative, I feel like I spend much of the time awaiting his decision on things. I found myself in a very vulnerable, second rate position within our relationship. No money of my own, and he was making it tricky to share finances, no marriage therefore no access to his pension or wage if we split, he was making the bulk of decisions etc. So after much thought and talking to friends for advice, I talked to him. This was no easy feat because - and this is a big part of our problem - he refuses to discuss issues, he shuts me down, deflects, gets angry, storms off. So a conversation was by no means easy. But we managed it. I tried to make it clear that things weren't feeling good and right for me. There was a lack of respect coming my way and I needed things to change. Theres more to it than that but one point was that I wanted to marry. He knew that it was mainly from a security point of view that I wanted this, and basically refused. He said we dont get on well enough, we're too old its naff, I don't like being g the centre of attention....and any other excuse he could think of.
He point blank refuses counselling.
So where do I go with this? Things between us have improved a bit after our conversations. I'm standing up for myself more, demanding more for myself. But the marriage thing is still there. I need to be married.
So lately I've decided what I'm going to do. Now noone likes the idea of threatening a partner into marriage, or making an ultimatum. And I haven't hashed out the exact details of how I'll do it. But I'm going to approach him at some point and say, i would like us to be married for a variety of reason, but making my position more secure is definitely one of them. You say you dont want to, we dont get on etc. Yet you expect us to continue in this way, with me in a sort of underling position, looking after the house, no way of gaining financial security, year on year. Your reason for not marrying is unclear, but you say we dont get on well enough and you refuse counselling. Well, I'm not happy to continue in this way. I want to be married, and unless we get ourselves into a position where you feel we're getting on better, I'm prepared to walk away. (And I am, because he's showing me the ultimate disrespect by refusing me this). I'm not giving you an ultimatum, but I'm stating clearly what I expect- to be married - and if that's not an expectation you can fulfil, we need to go our separate ways.
Because otherwise ten years will pass, I'll be almost 60 and then he'll find someone he prefers and I'll be up shit creek without a paddle. So I may as well take my chances now. It's more complex than I can explain here, but I dont think he'll want me to leave. Despite our differences if course he wants his family with him. He's got just as much to lose as I do from splitting up - he wouldn't live with his kids anymore and we'd both be in financial difficulties if we had to support two houses etc etc. So I'm pretty sure it wont come to that, but tbh, I'm prepared for it to, because if he's going to do me the ultimate disrespect and say he'd rather break up than marry the mother of his 4 kids, who hes still with, then im truly better off without him.
I dont know the general state of your relationship, but because mine has - for me at least - been going through some changes, I feel this is the time for me to say this to him. I'm trying to move myself into an equal footing with him, in all ways, and this is a big part of that.
I hope my response has helped in some way, and I'd be really happy to chat more about it and bounce thoughts and ideas around with you. It's not easy being in our position. Maybe we were naive but we're here now, so let's talk constructively about how to deal with it and get more for ourselves out of the life we have made.
Warm wishes to you.x