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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

187 replies

Babyaug2020x · 15/01/2021 22:11

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

OP posts:
Rae36 · 15/01/2021 22:15

My mil picked up my friend's dd when she came to visit our second baby son and said "This is what I was hoping for, another girl". I hated her in that moment with such strength of feeling, I still feel such anger when I think of it. Dh says she wasn't thinking but how dare she say that, I was raging.

coldwaterfeed · 15/01/2021 22:17

YANBU. How completely awful. Even if they think it they should never have said it or shown it.

The silver lining here is that it lets you off the hook. You never have to make an effort with the bitches again.

How is SIL? Is she nice?

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/01/2021 22:18

I wonder why your fiancé told you that? Anyway maybe it's taken out of context - perhaps she means it's more difficult to bond because the relationship between you is different. Maybe her daughter is very close and she sees more of them. She may not have actually meant she doesn't love him as much.

NataliaOsipova · 15/01/2021 22:19

I felt like that about my second child! And then I bonded with her, got to know her..,,and I can’t believe I ever felt like that. I’m sure it’ll be the same for your MIL (notwithstanding that it was a spectacularly insensitive and ill considered comment,....)

7yo7yo · 15/01/2021 22:21

Well I’d make sure she knew my parents were the preferred grandparents because I’m a petty twat.
And my mum would be called nanny number 1 and my dad would be called golden grandad in their earshot.
But I’m sure someone with better advice will
Come along x

Chocolateraincloud3 · 15/01/2021 22:22

How awful for her to say that. Your baby is a part of her child. She should be grateful to even have a grandchild.

teuer · 15/01/2021 22:22

YANBU. That is so sad. People feel what they feel but why the hell say it to your DH. I know my DDs MIL loves her DGC every bit as much as i do. What a horribly hurtful thing to come out with.

NataliaOsipova · 15/01/2021 22:23

Well I’d make sure she knew my parents were the preferred grandparents because I’m a petty twat.

I’d probably do that too, to be fair....🤣

Original poster
Babyaug2020x · 15/01/2021 22:23

@Rae36 I’d have felt the same! There are some things you just don’t say.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 15/01/2021 22:23

I remember DM saying that DNephew would always be her favourite DGC as he was the first one. MIL has always favoured BIL’s DS (again, the first) to the point that he bullied my DC and she would stick up for him/lie to protect him.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/01/2021 22:24

Yanbu I'd be very hurt too.
It is their loss creating such a stupid stereotypical view of how grandchildren of DD/DS should be loved.
I'd ask her why she feels like that? If she has made the statement make her back it up then tell her to fuck off.

Canyoncall · 15/01/2021 22:24

Sorry that she has been so blunt and seemingly discriminatory but DG do feel this in my experience but don’t articulate it as bluntly. She may be closer to other GCS because of circumstances, she may not have a connection with you and us being horridly blunt - ignore it and build your own family OP

Duffmcstockings · 15/01/2021 22:25

Give it time. Babies are all adorable. Unless you only visit every other Christmas they will both get equal love. Because babies 💕💕💕

ThereOnceWasANote · 15/01/2021 22:25

I suggest you feel the rage for a while, and then just disconnect. You will never convince them your son is as worthy as his female cousin, so accept it and organise your life around the people who do care about him.
Kids are resilient. They understand quickly that not everyone is going to love and adore them. Your job is to help them understand it's not their fault. Not everyone is kind and supportive. It's a valuable lesson they need to learn.

Original poster
Babyaug2020x · 15/01/2021 22:27

@SnackSizeRaisin that is what I tried to believe at first but we do have a good relationship and she sees her grand daughter just as much as my boy so I am really struggling to see where this has came from. My boy has CMPA and severe reflux so wasn’t an easy newborn and I feel like this has contributed, she constantly is telling him he’s ‘naughty’ no matter how many times I’ve said it isn’t his fault. Starting to feel a bit like I’m failing him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 22:28

Your partner is a massive prick for repeating that to you. I'd be more upset with him than your MIL, personally.

MadameBlobby · 15/01/2021 22:29

YANBU

what a fucking awful woman

Throwntothewolves · 15/01/2021 22:31

Keep your DS, and maybe your DH distant from her.
My MIL was like this. We live a long way from her and the rest of DH's family so that meant she wouldn't be as close to our child anyway, minimising the risk of emotional damage . But she very much favoured her eldest granddaughter, her daughter's child, over her sons' children (all boys), and her daughter's son. It later transpired she has always favoured her daughter over her sons too, something that has caused DH a great deal of distress since childhood. Listen to your instincts on this, it's not right yet she clearly thinks it's fine, otherwise why would she say something so hurtful to your DH?

teuer · 15/01/2021 22:32

She sounds awful OP. Telling a baby he’s naughty. Wtf. I felt so sad for my DGC when they had reflux. You feel so helpless when they’re so miserable and in pain. How the hell anyone could even joke that they were being naughty is beyond understanding.

Clarinsmum · 15/01/2021 22:32

My sisters NT girls are preferred to my ASD DS by my own parents. They always tell me about my nieces’ achievements and never ask about my DS and never see him. It hurts but I also love my DNS and hope they will look out for DS when I’m gone. People are horrible but try and get over it, it’s them, they are the ones with the problem. Just try and rise above it, don’t let them make you bitter. All children are a gift and worthy of love.

glittereyelash · 15/01/2021 22:33

I think sometimes the first grandchild just ends up being the favourite. The same thing happened in my family. It never bothered me as my parents would never admit it even though we all know. It must be a very tough thing to have said to your face 💕

FutureDuchessofHastings · 15/01/2021 22:33

What a hateful thing to say!
I'd be so tempted to do what a PP suggested and make comments about how your son will obviously love your parents more and how MIL is lucky she's got her daughter's baby to love her instead. If she questioned it I'd say that I was just agreeing with her. People don't usually like their own spite repeated back to them.
It's like she's making a choice to not love your son as much. I was surprised by how much I love my niblings, I didn't plan to or not to love them, I just do, tremendously.

Honeybobbin · 15/01/2021 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FuckOffBorisYouTwat · 15/01/2021 22:34

My mum favouritizes my DNephew and my MIL my Dniece. At the first it really upset me (for a few years) but now I think their loss. My DC are amazing.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 15/01/2021 22:35

My (thankfully now ex) MIL told me once my DC would never be as important as her DDs DC as they aren't 'real' Grandchildren. Apparently being born out of wedlock makes them lesser beings Hmm
She always treated them as less too. And now moans that they have no relationship with her.