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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

187 replies

Babyaug2020x · 15/01/2021 22:11

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

OP posts:
LickEmbysmiling · 16/01/2021 08:53

Thumb, it's less about thinking consciously and more about an inbuilt thing, putting precious resources into raising gc that you know are yours.

MeridianB · 16/01/2021 08:55

Totally disgusting comment by her. And I would call her out on any comments about a tiny poorly baby being “naughty” every single time. What a vile woman.

Did your partner share the comment because he was hurt? If not he needs to know just how much they hurt you.

YADNBU OP 💐

Dinnafashyersel · 16/01/2021 08:56

Agree with Karma.

Also agree with pp that the tendency to rank GC and play favourites is very common. It is in no way rational. GC will seldom be "grateful" for the responsibility and obligation of being the favourite and the non-favoured will be even less "grateful". GC grow up very quickly and they pick up on this sort of stuff very early.

EsmeeMerlin · 16/01/2021 08:57

I would be wary of rashly cutting your mil away when you wasn’t there to listen to the context of the conversation. I think grandmothers worry more when it’s the son’s children because you don’t want to offend the daughter in law. You see mils criticised all the time on here because they have seemingly done something wrong with their grand children according to their dil.

Acarerformum · 16/01/2021 08:58

I’m a Granny, my daughters have children and so does my son and his wife. I love them all so much. My daughters children are part of them and my son’s children are part of him. I am lucky I have a lovely daughter in law too. My DMIL favoured my SIL’s children over mine, but still loved them even though she never said, she was a person who never showed affection but it was their. My parents showed affection in bundles! I feel sad when I here that some grandparents favour one grandchild over another. Grandchildren are the most precious amazing gift any daughter or son could give.

Incyra · 16/01/2021 09:01

@Babyaug2020x

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

Omg..this was said to me by my mil when my dd was a baby and my ds was about 2. She has never been hands on, never really bothered and she said to me. I'll never be as close to your children as name children(dh sister) and said to me 'your daughter is your daughter for life and your son is your son until he marries his wife' so upsetting as I was thinking why can't they be? I'm making the effort so you can be close? It's very upsetting to hear OP and it still stings me when I think about it 10 years later. They never make the effort even now, they only see the children when we take them over. They have never babysat or spent any proper time with them ever.
Seasaltyhair · 16/01/2021 09:05

OP my mil is the opposite she idolises the boys but she would never ever admit that.

The thing that has stuck out for me is she has a need to state her feelings to her son. She probably felt like that about him and he is used to it that’s why he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

The fact she is already telling your baby he is naughty would actually make me go NC with her. She’s going to try and drum in to him that he isn’t ‘good’ like his female cousins.

She’s unhinged - keep her away from him.

Gensola · 16/01/2021 09:06

DH and I are trying for a baby and his mum has made clear she isn’t interested - he has older kids from a previous relationship and they are her “real” DGCs apparently our child won’t be Hmm

AnyTimeSoon · 16/01/2021 09:07

I would have so very little to do with her. That's not acceptable at all. And you don't want your child to ever feel inferior.

diddl · 16/01/2021 09:09

My MIL referred to herself as the "2nd GM".

Well yes, in relation to me she wasn't as important as my mum.

Her relationship with her GC wasn't really for me to sort out though imo.

Although I did offer for them to visit when my husband was at work, they only wanted to visit when he was also there.

Consequently they didn't see as much of the kids as my parents as my husband didn't want o see them every weekend.

I can see why he told you, Op, but I'd be pissed off at him defending them.

Well, he can see his mum when he waants to.

No need for you to bother or your son!

movingonup20 · 16/01/2021 09:10

My mil basically ignored my girls, her husband didn't even come downstairs to meet my dd when we drove 100 miles to introduce our new baby, she wasn't much better with exh's dbs kids but sil's kids (much younger so years later) are her world and her husband plays a grandad role as opposed to avoiding any contact (neither exh nor sils father)

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 16/01/2021 09:11

Sadly it's VERY common. Yours is just more opened about it.

You just have to read threads on here about posters treating their own children differently, expecting different treatments from their own parents. I don't get it, but it happens.

Just do not enter into a competition with the others, it's bad for you and worst for your own child. Nod, smile and don't let your child know. As long as the grand-parents are a reasonable feature in the child's life, who cares about favourites. It's hard to ignore, but it's not worth being bothered about it.

Just think being "the favourite" can mean an unreasonable, bossy claustrophobic mother or MIL who suffocate them with requests, demands and ghastly unwanted gifts Grin

EvieBoo2 · 16/01/2021 09:11

What an arsehole.

timeisnotaline · 16/01/2021 09:11

@icklekid

I don’t think she will change - she’s basically admitting she loves her daughter (your SIL) more than her son (your DH) if that is the case she may well show favouritism to SIL children above your children. I wouldn’t go out of my way to facilitate contact just be polite and sad that she will be the one to miss out...
She’s not doing this at all. She’s saying she supported her daughter to grow, push out and then nurture a baby. She didn’t do that for her son because he didn’t grow a baby. Dh and I both love our children very much but those early days they are more part of me than of him. It won’t make a difference for us in the long run, the dc adore their grandma and she them.
SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2021 09:11

I actually feel more sorry for your DH. I mean surely what she's saying is she loves him less than her DD too and he's old enough to understand and have no other replacement. Your son has at least two parents and another set of grandparents who love them

Franklyfrost · 16/01/2021 09:14

My mil said exactly the same thing and gave exactly the same reason. I kind of wish she hadn’t told us but we’re all guilty of speaking without thinking sometimes.

It does hurt. I remind myself that being an active gp is the gp’s choice not their duty. My children are great (and some of them were refluxy too), it’s her loss.

EloraaDanan · 16/01/2021 09:22

We have a similar issue OP. My in-laws have never bonded with our DC and I think it’s because they’re closer to my SIL than me. I refuse to let my DC be second best so I don’t facilitate trying to grow their relationship at all. If it doesn’t grow organically and they’re not putting the effort in, that’s on them not us.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/01/2021 09:28

I think a lotbof mil who probably feel like this. I know my pil see my kids nowhere near as much as my sils kids. Theu don't look after them, basically just see then every couple of months when we visit.
I don't have a problem with it, it's just a fact. My mum however is never away from my kids.

TwoBrews · 16/01/2021 09:36

My MIL said similar to my DD four years ago when SIL was pregnant. DD hasn't forgotten it and PIL's subsequent very obvious favouritism of other grandchildren over her younger siblings has changed her relationship with PIL.

ElsieMc · 16/01/2021 09:37

I had all this many years ago op with MIL and dd2. She had a medical condition, later corrected with surgery, and she was treated as second best. But it was part of MILs personality. She was always playing people off against each other and trying to make you feel you had done something wrong. She never even bought dd2 a small gift when she was born. It was her way of showing me where I stood.

It then escalated to only wanting to have or see dd1. It ended there for me as my girls came as a set, as sisters. I havent bothered with her for years. When dd2 got married, she sent her a fiver in a card. Some things never change. It hurt dd2 and I knew I was right to keep her away from her. It is her loss because dd2 is the kindest of her grandchildren and MIL deprived herself of this.

As for your ds, well he has your family too op. Please don't try to overcompensate with your MIL and her mother. You keep unkind thoughts like that to yourself and it getting back to you is her way of showing you where you stand in her pecking order. Prioritise your family. Your partner needs to stand up for his ds because you are not over thinking it, he is trying to diminish it.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/01/2021 09:38

Thank god my MIL has all boys, as do I. She has one granddaughter who's older whom she has a different relationship with but I know she loves them all equally of differently

Viviennemary · 16/01/2021 09:41

YANBU. I don't think there was any point in your partner passing on this information to you. But now he has you have every excuse not to bother with them in the future.

cptartapp · 16/01/2021 09:41

PIL has favoured SIL DC over ours for years. But then they favour SIL over DH so shouldn't have been surprised.
My DM sighed "oh for a little girl" when DS2 was born.
They're teens now, but I feel a bit sorry for my kids in some ways as they've never had that doting grandparent experience.

mumnowformerrockstar · 16/01/2021 09:41

She sounds horrible but you should speak to her about it. I do think it was a bit mean of dp to tell you what she said. For your own peace of mind you need to speak to her about it.
Decide what happens regarding contact with baby from there/

Joeblack066 · 16/01/2021 09:42

I really don’t understand these MILs! I have 2 DDILs, I I love them both, and would never ever dream of undermining them as many MILs seem too. This is awful. So sorry she said this OP.