AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

[Babyaug2020x]

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

DH and I live in Aus and his brother and wife and children live in the U.K., an hour or so from the ILs. When our two children were about 1 and 3 we offered to help them live for longer periods in Sydney, near us as when they visited they had seemed to love it.
FILs reaction was “oh no, I would miss (other grandchildren) too much” - even though we suggested that they split the time equally here and there.
At that point I knew were the less favoured ones, partly as DHs older brother is the golden child.
It’s fine - it meant I feel less guilt about not seeing them loads when we go back.
I mean, they might have thought it, but he could have said “no because we like living in the U.K. and don’t want to be away for longer”. I mean, just make up a white lie!

Yeah this is why we don't see the IL very often.
They make
It perfectly clear who the favourite child and
Then grandchildren are.
As soo as I felt my kids were old enough to pick up on it we went very low contact.

It's a standing not funny joke between the sibling about their mums favouritism.
It causes divides and it's sad.

@glittereyelash

I think sometimes the first grandchild just ends up being the favourite. The same thing happened in my family. It never bothered me as my parents would never admit it even though we all know. It must be a very tough thing to have said to your face 💕

Yes - this happened in my household with my own father. DGS has clearly been the favoured - embarrassingly so at times. My mother though, has made an effort to treat all her grandchildren the same. I know she has the least bonded relationship with my brother's dd but she tries as hard as she can to rectify that and loves and looks out for her 4 grandchildren equally.

That's a disgusting comment. And not a thing to say, out loud, to the parent of the child. MIL knew what she was doing.

I would not take umbrage about it, as I would step back and read between the lines. I think there's something underlying here, and she wanted to make a dig at you. Perhaps she feels that you are outshining her daughter in some respect and doesn't like it, so had to try and dim your candle so to speak.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, that comment was deliberate. If I had heard that, I would write the woman off as someone who I would keep at arms length, and enjoy that someone so unkind and petty was not a big part of my child's life. You'll be glad of it in later years.

Your MIL sounds awful. Your baby with an allergy and reflux is not naughty! That’s filled me with rage and it’s not even about my baby. I would be distancing myself and my DS from these people if it were me.

As a new mother this would have upset me but if she really believes that bullshit the best advice is to try and ignore it because you won't change her.

My boy has CMPA and severe reflux so wasn’t an easy newborn and I feel like this has contributed, she constantly is telling him he’s ‘naughty’ no matter how many times I’ve said it isn’t his fault

This is a bigger issue. Does she couple this with "typical boy" type comments? Honestly I'd just spend less time with her and more with those who are supportive. Its her loss but you don't need the trouble.

One of my DGMs favoured my youngest sibling above all others. Drove my parents mad and wasn't good for him but over time it just resulted her having much less of a relationship wtih the rest of us than my other DGM.

My inlaws preferred my SiLs children and that was partly the "golden child" thing but also her children were ten years older than mine which in itself changes the relationship with grandparents.

Your partner is a massive prick for repeating that to you. I'd be more upset with him than your MIL, personally.
Yes, it was really shitty behaviour by your bf, to have told you what his mother said. He has then compounded his error by saying you shouldn't be thinking about it and also made excuses for his mum by stating that she still loves your son. Look out for other problems in the future when he sticks up for her piss-poor behaviour.

@7yo7yo my brother’s MIL is known as SuperGranny in their house. My brother’s DM (my mum also, obvs) is Granny X. I know why & it’s justified. It sounds very cruel & they don’t tell my mum but it fits the facts.

My MIL has seven grandchildren. She treats them all equally and is always saying to the grandchildren, you’re my favourite (3 year old), grandchild and I love you sooo much, to every grandchild regardless of their ages.
If she does have a favourite grandchild, it’s a well hidden secret. All her grandchildren adore her and make time for her, the older grandchildren who have left home still phone her more than their own parents.
She sends them all thoughtful little gifts to cheer them up, makes their favourite food when they visit and generally remembers all their own individual little quirks.
She is a little lady with an enormous heart who everyone adores because she is so lovely with everyone. I wish I was as nice as her.

I’d gone to visit my DD’s friend a few weeks after she gave birth to her second DC. Her MIL was there, along with a couple of other women, and whilst we were chatting she said to me quite loudly, «Of course, you can never love your son’s children as much as your daughter’s « Thank goodness DD’s friend was busy talking to the other guests and didn’t hear. This wasn’t in the U.K., so it seems to be a fairly widespread view.

My parents were on a cruise with my sister's PIL (they've got to be fairly good friends).

So my DF was on deck chatting to some other people about their families and grandchildren cam up. My DF said he had 7.

BIL's DF then piped up '2 are adopted; as if that made any fucking difference to my DF. My father sis huge eye-roll and repeated that he had 7 grandchildren.

The problem is that the 2 adopted children are their mutual GC, his own... goes to show how in his head that needs to be a thing. And they do favour their biological ones, while our side of the family don't.

@Greeneyedminx your MIL sounds lovely!

I would have loved to have a grandmother like her.

Rise above.
It's a stupid thoughtless comment but doesn't deserve further attention. No need to escalate.
Remember she needs you more than you need her.
Your baby will inspire love in her the more time she spends with him - let that love grow, but don't feel obliged to push it.

I do think MILs in general feel closer to the children of their daughters. Often because they see them more and also because a daughter having babies is a bonding experience between mother and daughter - a new phase of the relationship. My DM is closest to my oldest of all the (9!) grandchildren. She would never say so but it’s clear to me and probably my bros. However, saying it is validating it and is such bad behaviour on your MILs part OP. Could you ever talk to her about it? Also, wise words from a pp- things change, grandchildren grow up she might end up much closer to your DS.

My PIL favour DH's brother's kids. Partly because they were the first and partly because he is an extremely needy man child whose ex-girlf (mother of the children) is utterly useless. Also because we 'moved away' (40 mins away because of work).

Doubly sad as my mum died earlier this year from dementia and my dad is a useless (and previously abusive) alcoholic so DC don't have doting, hands-on grandparents. PIL still do love the DC but just not in the same way.

It did used to really bother me (and still does to some extent) though (from common advice on here) the key is to distance yourself from it and just accept it for what it is.

Unfortunately I think this is very common. It’s not been voiced in our family but I suspect it. My parents are very close to my children because they see me more, I am closer to them emotionally and physically than my brother. I would happily go out with my mum or my dad alone just for a chat and my husband would do the same.
My in laws we hardly see. Some of it is due to distance some is due to me and DH just being different in so many ways. I have never met up with them socially and DH hasn’t for many years. I think it may be because they live in a small village with views from 40 years ago where as we live in a very multicultural city.
My in laws see my nephews almost daily because their parents are local and share similar views so they just get on more.
It doesn’t bother me, my children are happily oblivious although state my parents are their favourites which I remind them not to have.

@Cluas

If she’s repeatedly telling you a small, distressed baby is ‘naughty’, then frankly, she’s the kind of nutter your son is better off without seeing much of.

This. She sounds like a moron.

My mil favours sil's children. Or should I say she recognises those as her grandchildren. She would never admit it though, at least yours is brazen enough to say it out loud!

I've generally accepted it, her loss (also fil) not to know my DC each as a person. She sees them distantly as "my younger son's children", like some pesky offspring no different to the millions of other children. She doesn't ask after them or know a thing about them at all.

Well I’d make sure she knew my parents were the preferred grandparents because I’m a petty twat

Me too. Also, I wouldnt make much effort to have my DS spend much time with a disgusting person like that. Its a revolting, toxic thing to say and I wouldnt want her near my kids

As the first girl grandchild, I was definitely my mum's mum's favourite, despite not being the most likeable of the grandchildren, or the one she saw most or anything. She was just so excited when I was born and that preference continued until she died when I wad in my 30s.

She did genuinely love us all, and enjoyed time spent with any of us, but I was 'Ahh, here's Scarby!' With such anticipation and delight in her voice.

My dad spoke to her about it when my brother was about 18m when she turned up with presents for me but not him, and she always did equal presents after that, but it was still obvious thst I lit up her life in a way none of the others could.

We used to laugh about it between us. Thankfully my brother and cousins didn't hold it against me. She even acknowledged it and would laugh with us as we would all chorus 'Ah, here's Scarby!' when I arrived somewhere. Just odd.

@Porcupineintherough

why would your fiancee tell you this

Maybe he needed to share his hurt? This I'd worse for him than it is for the OP, his own mother has said his child comes second in her affections (and the implication is he dies too).

Very good point. How does your fiancé feel about it OP?

To be fair, as hurtful as it is, I'd rather know so I can act accordingly. IMO her DH was right to tell her. If he hadn't and I found out later down the line, I'd even more angry. That being said, though- I'd also be angry at DH not telling her to fuck off, to be honest. I'd definitely have gone nuclear over his reaction to her. He sounds useless and under the thumb- not attractive.

I'd not be seeing her from now on unless absolutely necessary. She can whine in 10 years time to why she never sees her GC's and you can explain exactly why that is. What a horrid, spiteful cow.

I love my mil very much, but there are times when she says things that hurt.

She told me not long after ds was born that she couldnt let herself love him as much as her daughter's children because I would naturally turn to my mum more and she didn't want to be hurt by that. I did say she was being ridiculous and that stopping yourself from loving a child because you were scared the other grandparent might get more of a look in was utterly ridiculous!

As it happens ds sees both grandparents equally, mil treats ds just the same as her other grandchildren and actually she sees far more of ds than the other grand kids and all is well.

I have never forgotten it though and still think it was a very sad thing for someone to say although I can see how she thought she was trying to protect herself, all she did was hurt me with her words.

If she’s repeatedly telling you a small, distressed baby is ‘naughty’, then frankly, she’s the kind of nutter your son is better off without seeing much of

I think this verbalised meanness about loving/bonding is the least of your worries. I agree with the quote above, and you are seriously better off keeping your baby away from this idiotic woman. Try not to be upset - it is a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes, GP are completely overlooked by sons and their DW in favour of the Dw’s parents when their babies are born, and may also make the GP’s feel that they are not as valued or as important as the Dw’s parents?
Time and time again we read on here that women only want their mums involved when they are expecting or when they have the baby, stating that the Dh’s parents can wait a few weeks before they see the new baby, despite their own parents meeting the new baby from day 1.
I would feel hurt and second best, if I was treated the same. Maybe this starts the resentment in the first place???