AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

[Babyaug2020x]

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I am quite sensitive so was worried I was upset over nothing but my mum was equally as horrified at her comments and i really do feel so bad for my son.

Both my grandparents loved me equally and I could never imagine either of them making these sorts of comments to me. My MIL is always telling me I’m ‘spoiling’ my son if I attend to him if he cries (which he was a lot due to his severe reflux which was unmediated til 2 months ago). My own mum has never and would never raise her voice or call him naughty but I can’t tell if I’m just naive but I never want to speak to him like that or make him feel that way.

What was your fiancé thinking to repeat that to you?

They are clearly BU. Do they have a closer relationship with their daughter than they do their son?

Why would your fiancée tell you this, only then to tell you it’s not important?

My DH would have told me because he’d be so upset his mum felt that way.

People are weird. If your baby is really small, the weird is amplified. And eventually (hopefully, if everyone isn’t a complete arse) it settles down. Just don’t expect or make loads of effort, but don’t ignore or cut MIL out either. Be as neutral as possible. It’s your DP’s relationship to manage and nurture- you concentrate on your parents.

@MadameBlobby

YANBU

what a fucking awful woman

This ^

If she’s repeatedly telling you a small, distressed baby is ‘naughty’, then frankly, she’s the kind of nutter your son is better off without seeing much of.

My own mum did not bother with my youngest as much as her first grandchild which is my eldest, so I do understand exactly how you feel.

He is your beautiful little boy and your mam and dad are all he needs to know as grandparents. On the mitigating side, she probably does not feel comfortable around you but she does not need to voice it the way she has as an adult

What a horrible person...keep her distant from your ds, calling him naughty...wtf!

She sounds like the kind of person you don't want to have too close so if she isn't trying to be close that's not a bad thing! but that is pretty ghastly thing to say. If it's any consolation don't feel too bad for your D's, if she is behaving like this already he won't be that close to her, so likely not damaged by it. I had a gp like this with me growing up. It just meant she was less relevant to my life, it wasn't damaging because my parents loved me so it didn't damage my self esteem, to me it was just that she was an unpleasant person.

She shouldn’t have told you and she loves them all Im sure, but especially at the baby stage I think there is a difference, that your child has grown this baby and is now the main nurturer for them so going through that motherhood phase. My mil sees much more of my sils children because they are there to help for everything. Covid she only saw them. She loves mine very much but when they were born she was more about holding the baby and mine was more about helping me. Now I work and am fairly introverted so I couldn’t begin to cope with that level of contact anyway, it’s totally ok. I think this is completely normal when grandma gets on with her daughter well anyway. She shouldn’t have said it and he shouldn’t have told you though!!

Not quite the same - I'm an Auntie to a girl and a boy, I was 18 when my niece was born and 27 when my nephew. I have a much better bond with my niece mainly cause we like similar things, whereas my nephew and I are completely different.

I always feel bad that I'm not as bonded to my nephew but I love him just as much and I hope I've never made him feel like 'less'.

There are some things you just never say - I don't understand why your MIL would feel the need to share it unless she's trying to be hurtful.

YANBU
Favouritism isn’t normal. My cousin was the first born and only one of us to have a good relationship with my grandmother. As a child I was jealous but at the same time thought that’s how adult gcs are treated and also baffled. When I reached adulthood, I definitely wasn’t favoured.

My mother always favoured my brother over me. Idk if it was the firstborn thing. I’ve always presumed it was a male thing. She thinks men are superior to women. I found out when dd was about 7 the favouritism also extended over my daughter. She is the firstborn gc.

In sum, it isn’t necessarily the firstborn in all families. Some have a preference for sex as in my mother’s case; some have preference for their daughter’s over their son’s children, definitely not in my case and so forth.

She sounds absolutely vile.

It's not even so much that she feels that way- although I agree that alone would be unkind - but it's the fact that she felt the need to voice it. That says a heck of a lot about her as a person. I would never look at someone the same way again after hearing them say something like that.

Your partner has been a total idiot here. He needs to stick up for his child, and also develop a bit of tact. Unless he is planning on taking his mum to task over this vile comment, which it sounds like he isn't, then what the fuck was the purpose of him reporting it to you? Just to cause bad feeling between you and fracture the relationships in his family?

My MIL is very similar- with dd she told me, repeatedly, that she doesn't consider herself to be the 'real' grandmother and she's not her 'real' grandchild because I'm only her DIL, not her daughter.

Not sure if she thinks i reproduced asexually or if she realises that her son - who I am married to - fathered this child.

When my DS was born she rang round her family and asked that people don't mention it in case her daughter felt left out by DH and the new baby getting the attention.

(Her DD is NT and has two children of her own. There's no history of mc that I'm aware of (MIL would 100% have mentioned this if she knew) whereas I've had 4mc, for context)

All families are diffrent and Theres always exeptions to the rule but Grandparents usually are closer to their daughters kids. My GPs were to me and my sister. They saw us practically everyday. They were lucky to see my cousins twice a year. When they did come down though wed go bloody wild because it was like a novelty. My Nan would tell me off and let my.cousins get away with murder. She didn't know them well enough to instil discipline.
I do however know families who are every bit as close and see as much as their sons kids as their daughters.
That was a very shitty thing of your Mil to say, though. That's the sort of things a lot of GPs may think but wouldn't say it. Having favorites is one thing making it known is very much another. My GPs probably did love me and my sister more. They were bound to they knew us better and had more of connection. They'd never have said that though.

@Babyaug2020x
I totally agree with you
Really for you.!!!

xxx

Really Shitty Remark
Your MiL
Came out with At You Like That ,!!!😬

No excuse whatever for this

Your Mother sounds like a Arsehole

To me.!!

I actually say how hurt you feel about what she said
And you feel that some things you should never say to a mother and baby ever.!
I would Also say that you expect her to say and mean it.!!
By trying to make it up to you etc.!!

(In Reality I would dislike her intensely.!

I am very tempted to say go none Contact with her so she Does not see her Grandson for a while!!

And make sure Mother in Law Knows the Reason why that's for Sure.!!

Don't Let your Partner sugar Coat why you feel /Reacting in this way..

Reallifer. I think you might be on the wrong thread. Your post doesn't seem to connect to the topic in hand. Unless I've missed something.

She didn't say she couldn't 'love' your child as much as her other grandchild, only that she could not 'bond' as much. Maybe she sees more of the other one and everything comes naturally.

There are some parents who bond more with one child than another but they still love them.

Yours is also a situation that is bound to change over the years as the kids get older.

It was rather tactless of your mother in law to say it and I wonder how it came up in conversation; it's not a 'usual' topic.

However I don't think it means quite how you have taken it.

Hi @Babyaug2020x

I would tell Mother in Law you expect her to say sorry and to mean it !!

She really needs to make up too you Real Big time !

Really sorry you are going through this kind of Shit
When you really need her to be there supportive to you as a new family with a baby.

@Babyaug2020x

Your Partner really needs to step up his game and voice to his mother how hurtful it was what she said and he feels she should say sorry to you and mean it !

He needs to tell his mother its totally unacceptable what she said !!

Well you can at a push force a very reluctant apology out of someone. One thing you can't do however is force them to "mean it".
What's the use of an apology with no meaning behind it.

This is awful. for you. She is the idiot who is missing out.

I can't understand this type of weirdness. Even if you genuinely (strangely) feel that way, why on earth would you vocalise it?? In the hospital after I had just given birth to my second DD, MIL announced (no one asked) "I'm glad I never had a girl". And she showed little interest in them.

Two decades later she is forever trying to get DDs to go out with her for meals and movies etc because she has realised they share a lot of the same interests - and her superior sons are nowhere to be found.

@Reallifer

You are on the wrong Thread Post !😕