AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

[Babyaug2020x]

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

That was something I felt aware of when I went to help DD after both DGCs births. That I had an opportunity to bond so soon with both babies

Yeah this is what my MIL insinuates about my youngest. She was such a pain in the arse “helping” when my eldest was born, I wouldn’t have her after my youngest. Isn’t it funny though, that neither of my parents and step parents were there initially when my DCs were born but they all now have strong and equal relationships with both.

Woman up and be honest, That was something I felt aware of when I went to help DD after both DGCs births. That I had an opportunity to bond so soon with both babies is just a cop out for, I just don’t like the other ones as much.

An awful thing to say. With regards to your partner, have you asked him why he told you? I wonder if he was offloading and has told you to forget it because he’s had a lifetime of her sly comments.

I had a similar situation. I’m the middle child of 3 girls. Always had the whole “forgotten middle child” thing going on. My younger sister is clearly the favoured child. I was the first one to have children and it was lovely to have some attention! I have 2 boys. My younger sister was next to have children and when she was pregnant, my DM talked a lot about how much they want a granddaughter. She actually said “the boys (ie my DCs) are great but...” So, delighted as I was that my Golden Child sister was having a baby, I just knew that if it was a girl my boys would be sidelined. The relief I felt when she had a boy makes me feel a bit ashamed even now.

At the same time, my older sister was having lots of difficulties with fertility and my parents were bloody useless and even expected her to just suck it up and be delighted for our younger sister. I should point out that my older sister had suffered a second miscarriage just before our younger sister announced her pregnancy.

As it turns out all 3 of us have had boys. But it is embarrassingly obvious that my younger sister’s DCs are favoured. There is no point in addressing it because my parents will not see that they are at fault.

@NataliaOsipova

Well I’d make sure she knew my parents were the preferred grandparents because I’m a petty twat.

I’d probably do that too, to be fair....🤣

Excellent idea!

Your MIL is an idiot. However I do wonder if it’s her insecurity coming out. There is an idea that material grandmothers are the A list Granny, so I wonder if she is claiming her A list grandchild assuming your Mum is doing the same with your son.

Anyway I wouldn’t actually feed this, I would just carry on as normal and involve her (if you like her). She’s being a knob but she will bond with your son, and probably tell stories about the fact she never thought she’d be as close to him but now she can’t imagine feeling like that. Etc

I'm not remotely defending her, she sounds awful. And I have no impression at all that this applied to you, OP, BUT...

There have been so many threads in the past where MNers have almost set this scenario up. Many posters have said that when they give birth, they prioritise their own mothers, and that it's absolutely right and normal that they should. Their MILs get short shrift, much ess generous visiting rights etc, and other posters back that up when any of us say that that's unfair.

[quote Babyaug2020x]@SnackSizeRaisin that is what I tried to believe at first but we do have a good relationship and she sees her grand daughter just as much as my boy so I am really struggling to see where this has came from. My boy has CMPA and severe reflux so wasn’t an easy newborn and I feel like this has contributed, she constantly is telling him he’s ‘naughty’ no matter how many times I’ve said it isn’t his fault. Starting to feel a bit like I’m failing him.[/quote]
You do not have a good relationship.

She is awful. No baby is 'naughty', especially for a medical issue.

She's told your partner she prefers his niece and he didn't challenge it? And then he told you?
He's not much of a prize either.

No one should have favourites, especially parents, it's damaging. If anyone does feel they favour someone more than another who they should love equally, then they should never ever show it or mention it. Far from making the more loved one feel 'special', it creates a divide that can never be closed once it's exposed.

It was a hurtful comment for your DP to pass on. You are not failing your DS, she is. Maybe your DP can intervene a bit more?
However, wont your DS prefer your parents over his? It's obviously not something you openly talk about though is it.

I think women with kids are generally closer to their own parents, probably see them more. The natural bonds are stronger.

My own DB had a DD and our DM doted on her as an only GC but was kept at arms length by my DSIL. It really upset my DM but she kept quiet. Then my DSIL and I had DS's within months of each other. The dynamics totally changed. I naturally allowed my DM unrestricted access to my DS while DSIS was still distant. My DM struggled to bond with my DN. I hasten to add that she treats them all the same outwardly. There is a lot more to my story and I realise I'm making general assumptions which don't apply to every family.

My MIL has always favoured my SIL (her daughter) sons to my dds. It’s blatantly obvious.
She’s reaping what she sowed now though, because neither of them are interested in ringing her never mind going to see her.

@PinkiOcelot

My MIL has always favoured my SIL (her daughter) sons to my dds. It’s blatantly obvious. She’s reaping what she sowed now though, because neither of them are interested in ringing her never mind going to see her.

Yup- this is why its such a dumb thing to do. Your "favoured" grand child might not want to have anything to do with you later on so what then? you go crawling to the ones you dissed in the past?

Sorry love, too little too late!

Do we have the same MIL? Mine went one step further and declared that although she loves my husband, her daughter is her best friend and there is no comparison 👍🏻

@Babyaug2020x

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

What vile women . My paternal grandmother who totally adored my dad , her son , was never that keen on me and my lovely siblings , but clearly loved her grandchildren from her 2 daughters . It was her loss we felt nothing for her , perhaps my brother felt a little , she was a bit warmer to him . We didn't miss out as we , like your son had the most wonderful loving maternal grandparents. HONEYBOBBINS , post gives good advice , your son will be none the wiser. So stupid , daughter or d in law , they should just be thankful to have your precious boy in their life . Your partner should not have told you .

It is very common for DIL's to not like advice or help from MIL whereas a DD knows her DM'S intentions and will say back off without offending easily if DM is overstepping.
I believe it is a nature thing a self protection, two women with probably nothing in common other than DS/DH.
MIL is not making it easy making those statements placing boundaries on her DGC relationship