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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

187 replies

Babyaug2020x · 15/01/2021 22:11

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 16/01/2021 08:07

I come to understand with time that wanting a nice relationship with a nasty grandmother is not the way to go.

The way to go is to reduce contact with them to avoid the hassle and heartbreak. I can assure you no one misses what they had not had, he will not miss seeing that granny if he doesn’t see her much and he won’t be hurt by her comments if he is not constantly exposed to her.

Just give her some good space, some of them turn into very good grandmothers after years of keeping them at a safe distance.

Emeraldshamrock · 16/01/2021 08:08

I do think Grandmother's have a more naturally conformable with their DD's DC whereas there is pressure of consequences if they say or do the wrong thing with DIL.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/01/2021 08:11

It's something I've heard before - where the children of the daughter are preferred to those of the son, because if the son's family breaks up, the kids nearly always stay with their mother more than their father and the paternal GPs miss out more in those cases.
Not always!
But it does happen.

So some women will invest more in their own DD's kids because there is a higher chance of them always being in their lives, than the son's kids, who may not be available if he splits with their mother.

I don't think all women think this way - far from it! - but some do and it's always bloody sad to see.

Your fiancé really shouldn't have told you on one hand - but since he has told you, I'd have expected the only reason he told you was because he was equally outraged at his mother's callous attitude! If he's not outraged then I cannot at all see why he would choose to upset you that way.
On the other hand, I'd rather know she felt that way so I could safeguard myself and my baby from her attitude.

LickEmbysmiling · 16/01/2021 08:11

I've put you are bu

I've done this because, you don't have to expose him to These people, she's made her feelings clear, I would personally pull right back from them.
He's very lucky to have your dp isn't it he?.
Some people don't have 4 gp for their child unfortunately, so the fact he has some loving gp is enough.

Some dc don't have any gp, so be thankful for that.
Are you going to expose your son to a woman who said she can't love him as much?....

Pootle40 · 16/01/2021 08:12

I think this is pretty common - even if not spoken aloud. To favour the children of your own daughter (who gave birth to your grandchildren) over those of your son/daughter in law.

LickEmbysmiling · 16/01/2021 08:13

Thumb, it's also an evolutionary thing, daughters child will always be her mothers gc, but the sons child could in theory be anyone's.

sugarplumfairy28 · 16/01/2021 08:17

I did over hear my Mother talking to her sister, both have a son and a daughter, and all have 2 children. They were talking about how it just happens that you end up being closer to your daughters children, not on purpose but for them, because they were present when DDs children were born not DSs. That their daughters turn to them for advice not their sons and usually are closer to the top of the list for visits, babysitting etc when it is their DD. In the conversation I overheard they were not bragging but saying how for them its not nice having that distinction, but it just seems to happen.

LunaLula83 · 16/01/2021 08:18

Unfortunatly firsts are favourites. My mum compares my 2yr old to my 11yr old niece! Its hurtful. More so when its your own mother

thecatsthecats · 16/01/2021 08:22

I say this over and over again.

Children only care about their relationships with others outside their immediate family if their parents make it so. They don't need grandparents or aunts or uncles.

They need strong and positive bonds with their primary and secondary caregivers, regardless of who fills that role.

Since your son is too little to know different OP, this is perfect. You can let him grow up with a loosely loving bond with your in laws and a rich one with your own parents. He will only feel bad about it if YOU make a big deal about it.

(and personally I'd be happy with a get out clause like that - I like my ILs, but I'm not looking forward to the day when they're desperate to see us all the time because we've given them grandkids...)

Shoxfordian · 16/01/2021 08:22

Ignore her, don’t make plans to see her and move all messaging or calls through your dh if you haven’t already

Emeraldshamrock · 16/01/2021 08:29

Ignore her, don’t make plans to see her and move all messaging or calls through your dh if you haven’t already
Or confront her I'd like to know if it came from a place of fear or just blindly selfish behaviour.
I would definitely let her to know I'd heard what she said.

catatecheese · 16/01/2021 08:36

I had the FIL hold my 4 day old newborn 2nd DS and tell me what a shame he hadn't been a girl.
Funny how we now don't see him!
This kind of comment can and in my case did set off PND. So I completely get it!
Just strongly favour your parents, grandparents either dote on all grandchildren without negative comments or they get very reduced contact.
The comment could have been taken slightly out of context though so if she didn't say it to you and is all over your boy maybe just sit back and watch. It may be she worried that it would be harder rather than actually is?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/01/2021 08:38

@LickEmbysmiling

Thumb, it's also an evolutionary thing, daughters child will always be her mothers gc, but the sons child could in theory be anyone's.
That's a good point too but doesn't say much for the MIL's opinion of her DIL!
Shoxfordian · 16/01/2021 08:42

That’s true, you could ask her directly about it. I wonder what made your fiancé think it was a good idea to tell you what she said

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 16/01/2021 08:43

Honestly, fuck her. She’s clearly emotionally stunted and that’s her issue, no reflection on you and your son at all.

I would now completely suit myself, never feel torn about not spending time with her, visiting etc. I’d be telling my partner that I will be making very little effort to facilitate a relationship between her and my son. She’ll have to make an effort and if she doesn’t, it’s her loss. Your son will only be ‘missing’ a grandmother who is incapable of loving him how he deserves, so not really missing much at all. If my partner didn’t support me on this after what she had said then I’d be addressing that as well.

We’ve had a very similar scenario on our family. My partner made excuses for them initially but quickly learnt after a few experiences that the excuses were just that, poor explanations for something that is completely unacceptable. I made minimum effort with them as why should I put myself out for people who don’t treat my kids equally to others. They were not left with our in laws for any length of time, I made sure their influence on my children was minimal. Our kids are older now and can see how it is but they just think their grandparents are a bit weird for being like it and they know it’s no reflection on them. My partner knew from how she favoured his siblings children and other issues from his own childhood that I was right in my actions and in protecting our children from her and was on board. If he wasn’t, we would have had a big problem. We see the in laws but we live our lives for ourselves. The favoured sibling has a lot of expectations on him now they’re getting older as do the favoured grandchildren. I don’t lose too much sleep over it. Wink My kids are happy, loving, kind, bright and very loved whilst my in laws are still emotionally messed up years on and rely on playing their kids off against each other, guilt and manipulation. Way too dramatic for us, our lives are very simple.

Good luck. Just remember your son will never be second best to you. You can’t change others but you can control how you deal with this for your own happiness and your sons. I hope your partner is supportive as that is key.

Roselilly36 · 16/01/2021 08:43

YANBU I cannot understand why anyone would makes such an awful comment. I am really sorry, you must be so hurt.

81Byerley · 16/01/2021 08:45

I'm a Grandmother and Great Grandmother, and this isn't how I feel. But my Mother in law said to me once, when my eldest was a baby. "Your Grandchildren are more your grandchildren when they are your daughter's children." She has thirteen grandchildren, two of those are her daughter's children. All are grown up now, and her favourite's? My two oldest children. They are the ones who have always visited and sorted things out for her. She told me once that she wasn't two keen on her daughter's kids!

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 16/01/2021 08:46

What does your fiancé think?

Reading your other replies i would go low contact. It's not just that she can't love him as much, she's actively demonstrating it too.

There's no way I'd let my son feel he was second best. Let alone by his own family.

Yokey · 16/01/2021 08:47

I voted YANBU to be kind and because of course your baby deserves better.

But absolutely fuck them! Your baby is clearly very loved and in no way needs their peculiarly ranked affection.

I think you seem a little insecure/lacking in confidence because this shouldn't bother you that much. It's shit of them, yes, but why should you care? Their problem. Their loss. Your baby, btw, doesn't care at all, and if you don't feel sorry for him, he'll continue to not care.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/01/2021 08:47

Are you sure your MIL actually said this could spidering you're hearing it second hand? Perhaps she was just saying the bond is different because your child is Her DS's.

HikeForward · 16/01/2021 08:50

MIL shouldn’t have said it but I think it’s common for a grandmother to feel closer to her daughter’s children than her son’s. Maybe because if she’s close to her daughter she presumably supported her during pregnancy, felt the baby kick, helped out with the newborn etc. Mothers and daughters have a different relationship to mothers and DILs.

LizFlowers · 16/01/2021 08:50

@TeachesOfPeaches

Are you sure your MIL actually said this could spidering you're hearing it second hand? Perhaps she was just saying the bond is different because your child is Her DS's.
Yes, I wonder if she was misquoted.
Confusedandshaken · 16/01/2021 08:50

I think it's true that for many people the bond with their daughters DC is closer than the bond with the sons DC. I don't know why it is but I know it was true when I was a child and I see it now with my own adult DC and many other families I know well. That being said, your MIL was imsensitive/tactless to say it to her son.

That being said, the fact that my DC are closer to my mum than my DH's in no way negates their love for their paternal granny. The fact that she herself is closer to her daughters children in no way negates her love for my children. It's a different type of bond that's all. Interestingly enough, my adult DC and their adult cousins (all of an age and reasonably close) are fully aware that the SILs children are closer to their granny than my DC and don't have a problem with it. They just accept it as the way of the world.

WellTidy · 16/01/2021 08:51

It’s not possible to understand someone with this mindset. My dad was one of three children - he was the eldest and two girls followed.

The day he took my mum home to meet his parents, my grandma said to my mum ‘I live for my girls’. How awful is that? My dad was a model son, and continued to be as they got older and needed him.

niceberg · 16/01/2021 08:51

My MIL is generally hugely supportive, but she has this habit of saying stuff that she should really keep to herself.

She told me, mother of her second grandchild, that she would "always have a special place in my heart for X" because he was her first grandchild ie he means more to her. I mean, by all means feel what you feel, but say something like that to me?!? My child was still quite young at the time and I was really hurt. And haven't forgotten about it several years later.

I wonder if subconsciously she is also influenced by the fact her first grandchild is her daughter's child, and her second is her son's.