AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

[Babyaug2020x]

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

It’s the other way round in my family. My father and step mother always favoured my brother (my step mother’s birth child) and then his child. My lovely son was always less favoured and obviously so too.
After growing up being emotionally and physically abused by father and step mother this was the icing on the cake. I cut them out of my life about 15 years ago. Best decision I ever made😃

Maybe this starts the resentment in the first place

Did you read what the OP said about her calling him "naughty" as a baby because he had painful reflux and cried? She sounds like a nasty person. Some people just are I'm afraid.

She should never have said it out loud, but it’s not the first time I hear this that mums bond to daughters children more.

I would be reducing contact for saying horrible things like that, not only the favouritism but also for calling him naughty for crying as a baby.

She sounds like a horrible old witch and in a way, her comments would completely validate my choice to keep my son away from someone as unkind as her. I wouldnt want someone like her to be a role model for my child. No way.

I’m speechless! How could anyone even think that, let alone say it. She doesn’t deserve to be a Grandma. Enjoy your beautiful boy and she can fuck off. Her loss. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will treat her with the same disinterest.

It’s a dick thing to say or even think. My mum said similar “I will always love grandchild number 4 (my siblings child) a little bit more than the others because I got to be there when they were born” I was pissed off, mostly because she felt the need to say that to her other child in front of my child (who was luckily too little to understand it). I wasn’t distraught for my DC but it did change things and I kept my expectations for my mother pretty low (there was other stuff too but that pissed me off because she dragged my child into her weird little mind games) and we’re not really very close to her now.

For the record if my mum told me that my child was the favourite for that reason or any reason that wasn’t “my other grandchildren are serial killers” I’d have told her off.

I’ve only voted yabu as she’s clearly NOT a huge loss to your son or you. So as someone else said- she’s given you permission to prioritise others over her and enjoy the peace. She did t say she won’t love him- so don’t overthink it. Just be grateful she won’t be a major influence to your son with her warped thinking.

My mum is most definitely closer to my children than my brothers but then again, we make an effort with her to visit, phone, invite her to school events, dance shows etc whereas brother and his wife don’t.

I can just imagine my brothers wife saying what a twat my mum Is because she favours my children, which isn’t true.

She treats all the grandchildren the same when she sees them, she just sees mine more as we make an effort!

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

I am not sure why you have made this all about you OP. Your DH must inwardly be very upset if his DM said this. Instead of dealing with it in his way, he now has to deal with some one who feels she is the victim. Take a deep breath and be a bit more supportive of him.

Well it was a stupid thing to say and your partner needs his head looking at for repeating it. To be fair we can't help how we feel, I've got half a dozen GC and I am particularly close to the eldest, I love them all but for various reasons in his homelife he hasn't had it easy and my home is his haven where he knows he is loved unconditionally but, and it is a big but, no one would know, I never single him out, I spend time with all of them, the littler ones had presents (just little bits) during lockdown but in my heart he has a special space. I have a little GD who is a real one off, she makes me laugh and brightens any day and if you ask eldest GS if gran has a favourite he'd probably say her.

I don't know if I will have a different relationship if my DD has children but I'd cut my tongue out before I said what your MIL said.

My inlaws worshipped my dcs until their dd had babies! Mine may as well not exist. At least you know about it now which will save heartache later. My fil would come into the house and say how expensive Centre Parcs is and they couldn’t afford to take their dgc away so would take them somewhere else - this was Sil’s dc’s, not mine.
DH once spoke to his mum about it and all she said was that our dc’s had my family and that her other dgc needed her more!
We have now given up. It used to be embarrassing with how they fawned over the other dgc so we don’t see them anymore. My dcs are teenagers now and they know that their gp’s don’t bother with them because they have other, favourite gc.
The way I see it is that it is only the gp’s that will lose out from not having the relationship with their dgc. If you have family that are willing to love them, then stick with that. I have! It’s sad, but that’s life!

What a stupid woman.

My inlaws preferred my SiLs children and that was partly the "golden child" thing but also her children were ten years older than mine which in itself changes the relationship with grandparents. That is a good point. I was just turned 50 when first GC was born, I'm pushing 70 now and my youngest two are just starting to think about having children. Although I am fit and well for my age I know I'm not the same person I was nearly 20 years ago and say my last GC is born in the next 3 or 4 years I will be 90 when they are the age eldest GC is now and that will make a big difference I think.

The way I see it is that it is only the gp’s that will lose out from not having the relationship with their dgc. If you have family that are willing to love them, then stick with that. I have! It’s sad, but that’s life

I agree. The only people living out in the long term is them! when the GC are grown up, they wont be popping round to check on them or help them because there is zero relationship there. Lots of elderly people would love to have grand kids but dont yet they do and treat them like crap.
Unfortunately, they'll realise too late that what they did was very foolish because when they need help, it wont be there....

It’s a dreadful
Thing to say. Lots of good advice on here.
I know your partner told you, but I also feel dreadful for him. How his mum could be so negative about him too. Poor bloke. He probably told you as he was absolutely gutted to be slighted by his own mother too

This sort of thing is all too common, as the responses show. Sadly.

My grandmother on my father’s side made it clear that she favoured her sons’ sons and her daughter’s daughters.

I was aware of this as a child - my db was always welcomed into her house with great warmth when we visited, whereas I was an afterthought.

My mother was pretty angry about this, and she sat me down and explained that it wasn’t acceptable behaviour and was utterly unfair. But, that’s the way grandmother was and she wasn’t going to change - she was a difficult woman who was not very educated, as she’d had to leave school at 13 to go and work in the mill (not quite sure how that explained it really, but it served to remind me that not everyone is as fortunate in life as I was, I suppose).

My mother told me that some people have weird attitudes, and that’s just life. She also reassured me that my other grandparents adored me and had no favourites, and ensured that we visited them a lot more!

I accepted all this and it was a useful life lesson. I was very close to my mother’s parents, so I didn’t miss out, or feel in any way bitter. In fact, in my paternal grandmother’s latter years, when she was starting to lose her faculties, I visited with my brother (we were late teens) and she greeted us with “Ah! Darling GS! And is this your girlfriend?!” I just found this funny. It went down in family legend.

Your dc have your love, and your parents’ love. They will not miss out. It is your PIL’s loss.

ancientgran my DM is the youngest of a large family and I am the youngest cousin. My DGM was "old" when I was born. I had by far the closest relationship with her because by the time I arrived she had plenty of time to just sit and spend time with me. She was always busy when my cousins were wee. So being older can have its upsides.

A little bit different but my mum said she told me she felt different during my pregnancy than my SILs. She worried all the way through from when she found out. I can only surmise it felt more personal.

That being said my mum has 5 grandchildren, 4 from her sons and one from me. She loves them all fiercely, there’s no favouritism. I can’t imagine her ever saying anything like this to my brothers. It’s designed to make her son and you feel inferior to her daughter. It’s a really shitty thing to say even if she does feel a little bit more of a connection to her daughter’s children.

My MIL used to treat her unborn DGC from SIL better than mine
When my DC were born she told me that I wasn't allowed to have my DH's old baby clothes, blankets and toys because they were for her DD's children. She used to go on about when her DD had children she would do this, that and the other with them.

Well, 16 year later my DC are her only GC and that Lego is still there gathering dust.

I didn't and you shouldn't lose any sleep over it. Spend time with your own GPs and let him be loved to bits by them and cultivate good friendships with your sons friends' families.

Screw them.

YANBU at all. Absolutely awful for her to feel that, let alone say it out loud.

My MIL favours boys quite obviously. She has only 2 grandsons (one of which is my DS) and 4 granddaughters and she defo doesn't treat them the same. I know that if we were to have another baby and it be a girl, she'd be disappointed 🙄

GoodMum makes a good point about the DP's motives. My MiL definitely favours her DDs' DC (in her defence partly because they are on her doorstep and we are miles away). My DH is fully aware of this but it is much easier to accept because we can acknowledge it as a couple rather than it being his "guilty secret".

I think a lot of posters have jumped very quickly from mil talking about bonding to assuming that she is talking about how much she loves grandchildren. I think it can be a different experience when your ds has a baby than dd. Very often the dd mum will be asked to help out,, particularly in first few weeks with a newborn so you do start to bond strongly with a gc in those circumstances.

That was something I felt aware of when I went to help DD after both DGCs births. That I had an opportunity to bond so soon with both babies. I felt sad for my SILs DM but as DD said she didn’t feel comfortable asking her to help her in the shower or walk about with her boob out etc. I have always felt very conscious about not coming across as number one granny and we both send each other pics of the DGC that we think the other might not have seen. We pass hugs on from each other to the DGC when we go visit etc. I hate the whole top grandparents and second best one thing but in OPs case I’d have no compunction in making your DPs the No.1 set.

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her son’s baby compared to her daughter.’ i would feel upset if I were your fiancé. I don’t blame you feeling miffed. She was extremely thoughtless to voice that to her son and he was mindblowingly thoughtless to tell you.

All families are diffrent and Theres always exeptions to the rule but Grandparents usually are closer to their daughters kids.

That’s utter bullshit.

That was something I felt aware of when I went to help DD after both DGCs births. That I had an opportunity to bond so soon with both babies

Comments like this really get to me. “Bonding so soon” isn’t a thing. It doesn’t make any difference to the bind between children and adults happens at the beginning.

DD was in NNICU, we could barely touch her for a fortnight as had to ask permission after that. MIL lives closer so visited her in hospital more, but my mum stayed with me for a week when we came home. But none of that was about the baby it was about taking care of me.

My sister lives 200 miles away but has an excellent bond with DD, even though she saw her twice in the first 4 months. BIL lives half an hour away and probably couldn’t pick DD out of a line up. My brother lives further away but is the same, I could count on one hand how many times he’s seen her.

It isn’t about who was there first, or even who is there most, it is about how people choose to spend time with children and how they treat them. When you’ve had a child in NNICU long term, it is really bothersome to have people talk about early bonding and how important it is. You don’t get to do that as a NNICU mum and it adds more needless worry at a time when there is enough to be going on with.