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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL said she couldn’t love my DS much as other grand child

187 replies

Babyaug2020x · 15/01/2021 22:11

So my fiancée recently told me his mum told him she could never bond with my son (her grandson) as much as she has her grand daughter (my sister in laws baby).

The reason she gave was that it’s ‘different because it’s her sons baby compared to her daughter.’

I feel distraught for my son. More so because my MILs mum also agreed (and made it known). I feel like my son is second best to their existing grand daughter and honestly it breaks my heart.

My own mum/dad/grandparents adore him but I just feel so sad that my partners side have openly said this. He’s a beautiful little boy and I feel so so bad for him.

I told my boyfriend how much this upset me and he said I was thinking about it too much and they still love him. AIBU?

OP posts:
icklekid · 16/01/2021 04:55

I don’t think she will change - she’s basically admitting she loves her daughter (your SIL) more than her son (your DH) if that is the case she may well show favouritism to SIL children above your children. I wouldn’t go out of my way to facilitate contact just be polite and sad that she will be the one to miss out...

gutful · 16/01/2021 06:12

I think a lot of mothers secretly (or in this case not so secretly) feel this way, when they have children of both sexes. I think it's society's conditioning & you may find that in reality she does end up loving your child as much as her other grandchild - it's that she thinks she won't because society has painted a picture of grandmothers helping their daughters with their babies.

Porcupineintherough · 16/01/2021 06:13

why would your fiancee tell you this

Maybe he needed to share his hurt? This I'd worse for him than it is for the OP, his own mother has said his child comes second in her affections (and the implication is he dies too).

Porcupineintherough · 16/01/2021 06:13

he does too

Nitpickpicnic · 16/01/2021 06:24

@Honeybobbin

Look at the positives... you've found this out early. You can treat them as the secondary family from the beginning, because they're the ones who have decided your kids will be closer to your parents than his. You will never have to prioritise them for Christmas, his birthday... it will never need to be their turn to go to his school assembly or sports day. You'll never have to go on holiday with them. Don't make a fuss. Just smile sweetly and drop the rope. You can manage politeness when you see them once a month or so.
100% this.

You are off the hook. Trust us, this will make more sense as he gets older and the job of juggling access to his milestones lands on you. One day it will be somewhat of a relief, rather than a source of pain.

I’d first probably take MIL or MIL’s mum aside and clarify (calmly) that they said it (or something like it). Whatever they respond, you’ll gauge the truth. Just nod, smile, and say ‘Right. Good to know. I’ll try and remember that.’ Then drop it forever. I never make big calls on stuff that’s based on heresay, I need to hear the horse say it to me in person.

readytoretire · 16/01/2021 06:45

I think a lot of posters have jumped very quickly from mil talking about bonding to assuming that she is talking about how much she loves grandchildren. I think it can be a different experience when your ds has a baby than dd. Very often the dd mum will be asked to help out,, particularly in first few weeks with a newborn so you do start to bond strongly with a gc in those circumstances. Probably not great that dh passed mil comment on to you but tone and context are everything. Was it part of a wider conversation about her relationship with dh and family or just a one off stark comment. What prompted the conversation in the first place? Eg if son said to her something like "you dont seem as interested in my ds as cousin" his mum might have said she finds it harder to bond as is asked to help out more by dd". Of course I've no idea what was actually said and how but then neither does anyone else commenting on this thread.

readytoretire · 16/01/2021 06:51

Also it's the comments about your ds being naughty and you spoiling him that I would find worse. Every gp should know that you dont comment negatively on your dc parenting skills!

Porridgeoat · 16/01/2021 06:52

I had exactly the same many years ago but didn’t feel distraught at all. I think it’s MILs loss. My kids are all teens now and their relationship with my mum has more then made up for MILs favouritism.

TheFaithfulBorderBinliner · 16/01/2021 06:52

I had two DDs, the first GC, mil got it in her head, and told me, that my mine were for practicing being a granny with.

It was an interesting insight. She now has 2 GC from her oldest son and two from her daughter. Mine are the easiest to be with - calmer, less needy but after an incident when she put the needs of her Dil & those GC over the welfare of my toddlers, that allowed me to relax, Stop trying to make it a normal grandparent & GC relationship.
As a pp said, we don't tie ourselves in knots to see them, they are not a huge priority. Mil is ten years older now and the youngest GC is 'spirited' I'm sure my sil really needs the help but mil has missed out on a warm, easy friendship with my DDs.

Sethy38 · 16/01/2021 07:01

Sad?

I’d feel angry.

Angry that my MIL thinks and said this. It’s all very well not being able to help slightly preferring one child to another but not let it begin evident but her reasoning is downright offensive and to verbalise it is - is horrendous.

I would be angry at your boyfriend, spineless test he is.

And I wouldn’t be posting on mumsnet expressing my sadness.

I would call my MIL. Do not shout, sweat or any eastender drama. Say how disturbed you ate to hear this and you would like to hear directly from her, as given what you e heard - you are very reluctant for your son to spend time with her.

Enko · 16/01/2021 07:07

All families are diffrent and Theres always exeptions to the rule but Grandparents usually are closer to their daughters kids.

Really hate comments like that and utterly disagree with it.

I was close to both paternal and maternal grandparents and close to step-grandparents too. Not one of them treated me differently. My own children had a close and loving relationship with my in-laws (less so with my family as we live countries apart) My SIL (dhs sister) 2 boys had a close loving relationship with both grandparents.. My friends have good and healthy relationships with both sides of grandparents..

every family is different yes but EXACTLY because they are different lets not generalise. In my experience and those of my close friends it is not the norm that grandparents has preferences

VettiyaIruken · 16/01/2021 07:08

Your mil also basically told her son that she loves his sister more than him. Nice woman.

HerbErtlinger · 16/01/2021 07:11

I'd be hurt too. My own MIL has hardly any interest in our DS and yet she's constantly with her daughter's children and posting on FB about them constantly. She lives 5 minutes away and has barely spent anytime with him. My own mum lives an hour away and DS adores her, I genuinely don't think he knows who MIL is. She hardly bothers with DP either unless she needs something. In the March lockdown, while she was shielding, he went to the supermarket every week for her, fixed her boiler and toilet and gave her money. SIL dropped off a bag of food once and MIL was straight on FB about what an amazing daughter she was. No mention of DP, makes me so sad. I will never treat my DD and DS like that

DecemberSun · 16/01/2021 07:14

I would seriously question why your DP told you this. It was vile of him. I can think of no reason he would other than to upset you.

Leave him and his ghastly family to it.

yellowmelon · 16/01/2021 07:27

This sounds like my mil - though she's never said it out loud.

Scaredykittycat · 16/01/2021 07:32

My children are second best to SILs children too. It seems there are a lot of twatty MILs out there

Parkermumma07 · 16/01/2021 07:45

My MIL said the exact same thing to me. She told me she felt much closer to her daughters children than she did mine as they were born from her daughter. This is despite her daughter living 60 miles away and her only seeing them 3-4 times in the last 2 years. We live 10 minuets away and she sees our children at lease twice a week ( pre pandemic)

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/01/2021 07:50

Why can anyone not understand the OP’s dh telling her? He must have been very hurt, too, and needed to offload to someone who’d understand absolutely and feel the same.
What if it were the other way around? Double standards on here, as usual.

Littlebird1234 · 16/01/2021 07:50

In my experience, our children are in the same situation. The only difference is that my mil tries to deny it, yet it’s clear to everyone (children included) that they are not the same. I believe she loves them but she doesn’t want to spend the same time with them. Lockdown has been the perfect excuse, no calls, texts etc.

I would accept it, learn to come to terms with it and then still try to enjoy the things you do there than compare. This is after years of feeling sad about our situation.

thebestnamehere · 16/01/2021 07:51

@7yo7yo

Well I’d make sure she knew my parents were the preferred grandparents because I’m a petty twat. And my mum would be called nanny number 1 and my dad would be called golden grandad in their earshot. But I’m sure someone with better advice will Come along x
Very good! Yes, I would go down this route too, but I'm petty like that.
Sceptre86 · 16/01/2021 07:51

Make it known that your parents are the preferred grandparents. Do not put yourself out for mil and tbh I would go low contact. My mil on a personal level is a nice woman, has always been kind and caring towards me but she did say that she loved dn more as he was her first grandchild. I gave her what for and told her I would never forget those words. She will still go out of her way for my two but still favours dn. My dh is hurt by this as am I. My dd us her only granddaughter and she did not have a dd of her own. I am polite to her as always but I do not go out of my way for her anymore. I call her once a week and if dh doesn't I don't prompt him anymore. We would normally go see her at least weekly or have her round to ours but I do not do any personal care for her like ferrying her to appointments, the sil who's kid she favours can do it. I know that sounds petty but I don't care.

Seymour5 · 16/01/2021 07:56

Prior to lockdown I would see one grandchild far more than the others, and was more involved from day one. Geographical reasons. I love them all, they get the same spent on them for birthdays etc., and there is no question that any one of them is favoured.

I don't understand how so called mature people can be so unaware, or so uncaring of others' feelings! I also agree with others re your DP telling you what MIL said. Some things don't need repeating, they only cause hurt and sometimes create unnecessary problems.

Sethy38 · 16/01/2021 08:06

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Why can anyone not understand the OP’s dh telling her? He must have been very hurt, too, and needed to offload to someone who’d understand absolutely and feel the same. What if it were the other way around? Double standards on here, as usual.
No issue with him telling the OP

My issue is that the spineless fool didn’t confront his mother but say there like a potato.

And tells the OP she’s being ott.

I mean he doesn’t sound like his particularly hurt!

Sethy38 · 16/01/2021 08:07

@Parkermumma07

The vital part of the story is... your response!

princessandthedragon · 16/01/2021 08:07

She might feel that way but she shouldn’t have said it - what a nasty thing to do.