To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

If you are that bothered, make time to speak on the phone once a week.

Pretty much all my texts or WhatsApp chats end like this, with one of us just not answering back. It’s not a big deal

how should text conversations end?

@Still1nLove

If you are that bothered, make time to speak on the phone once a week.

Pretty much all my texts or WhatsApp chats end like this, with one of us just not answering back. It’s not a big deal

That’s quite hard right now. I’m working 8am - midnight most days, they get up at 4am and are in bed by 8:30-9pm. Not so bad when I finish at 7/7:30 but at the moment shift handovers are more complex (NHS) so it doesn’t work. Haven’t had a day off for 6 weeks.

Maybe she just gets busy and then forgets??

Yabu. I do this all the time, I never mean to! Or I reply in my head and think I replied. People get busy and forget. If you tell them to fuck off that's a massive overreaction.
Also back and fore sounds terrible - Surely it's back and forth?!

YABU and incredibly needy. Normal for one person just to stop responding.

Unless you’re their spouse or partner they don’t need to prioritise you to this extent!

how should text conversations end?

I always find this awkward, especially when you know they can see if you've read their messages.

YABU. That's the whole point of messaging. You get to it when you can. Maybe she doesn't want to go back and forth constantly. Sometimes a phone call is easier for some people.

It's understandable that you're frustrated but she's not doing anything awful. Sometimes I think I've replied to someone and I actually haven't, just in my head. Maybe that happens to her. It sounds like you just have different expectations from messaging.

@DicklessWonder YANBU, and this would annoy me too.

You'll get very little support on here though.

If it were me, I would stop contacting her so often. Stop initiating the contact. It's all very well people saying 'phone her then,' but phoning is more time consuming, as unlike internet contact, you can't do anything else whilst your on the phone! And some people just gabble and gabble, and you can't get away!

I really thought this was the whole point of messaging rather than talking?

Also, as you're very very busy I'm surprised it doesn't suit you too?

@wonderup

how should text conversations end?

With other friends there isn’t a sign off as such, but they don’t disappear mid discussion. Like they’ll be explaining something that happened, I ask a question and they read but never answer it.

Eg them: read a great book this week, think you’d love it
me: really? What is it?

No reply.

Them: I’ve signed up for an online course. I’m a bit worried about it
Me: in what? Sounds interesting. What are you worried about?

No reply.

Them: have a problem with the car
Me: (I’m handy with engines - have built cars etc)
How annoying. What’s up with it?
Them: it won’t start
Me: do you think it’s the battery? Do you want to borrow my charger?

No reply.

Is this really normal?

Yep, I do this. I read a message, then the phone rings and I have to answer it, or an email pings in that I need to deal with, or a delivery comes, or the washing machine is done, or the microwave pings, or my husband or stepdaughter need something, and I think, ‘I’ll reply to that in a minute’ and by the time I’ve finished the thing I’ve forgotten all about it. I’ll be honest, I’d be a bit taken aback at a friend that told me to fuck off then because of it.

@littlepattilouBut you’re like the gabbling one, via text!

Sometimes I disappear mid discussion because my youngest is shouting for me to wipe his bum & then I get sidetracked.
We are all busy, it's not a big deal.

Interesting that you’ve all assumed female....

Who has?

YABU a text conversation is not a real conversation. If you were chatting on the phone or in person, fair enough.

Sorry but I do this too. I don’t mean to but life gets in the way and I forget. Especially as people either message back straight away or send really long messages!

I’ll be honest but I don’t think she is as invested as you are. I would recommend just not messaging her and see what happens. If she doesn’t message you then I think you may have your answer. The fact she didn’t respond to the last message is quite telling to me. If that was me I would reply immediately with apologies...

Sorry, he then

I assumed male because of all the “them”. But yes, presumably he just gets busy. But let him make the first contact next time.

Well not necessarily normal as you describe it but there’s very little you can do about it! I’d stop texting them as much, and relegate them to acquaintance territory.

@WorraLiberty

I really thought this was the whole point of messaging rather than talking?

Also, as you're very very busy I'm surprised it doesn't suit you too?

I couldn’t work these hours without some distraction. I’m maintaining friendships as best I can for my own sanity as well as interest.

I’m feeling snubbed. Would you really tell someone you’d read a book you think they would like and never tell them what it was?! Even if you forgot or got distracted surely the next message would prompt you?

I’m torn between ignoring them and messaging, to be honest.

@DicklessWonder

Interesting that you’ve all assumed female....

Not really it’s a predominantly female site but if your sex is relevant then put it in the op 🤷‍♀️

@MusicalTrifleMonkey

Sorry but I do this too. I don’t mean to but life gets in the way and I forget. Especially as people either message back straight away or send really long messages!

I’ll be honest but I don’t think she is as invested as you are. I would recommend just not messaging her and see what happens. If she doesn’t message you then I think you may have your answer. The fact she didn’t respond to the last message is quite telling to me. If that was me I would reply immediately with apologies...

Even “sorry” would have been enough.

I don’t think it matters whether they are male or female. It’s basic courtesy in the examples, surely?

YABU. She's likely very busy and doesn't always have time to reply. She probably values your friendship but might have a lot going on and replying to you is lower on her list of priorities.