To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

And another thing. I have a few friends who you just know it's not going to be a quick back and forth. They're going to ask more questions and try and engage you in a 20 min text conversation. I dont want to do that. I also really resent being made to feel like I should.

A lot of people IMO could do with relaxing and stop using niceness as a mask for what is in fact neediness. Nobody owes you there time. Friendship isnt exhausting text message conversations its helping people out when they're in need and having a laugh.

Especially with this pandemic this year, I've really wished some of my friends could have been a bit lighter.

Send a meme. Send a photo and a quick line: "remind you of anyone?" Or "look what I bought!"

Instead I've had demands for calls and zooms and long voice notes talking about their feelings. To be honest even practical questions about your day feel exhausting. The days are all the same so I dont really want to give a life update.

That makes me sound like a cold hearted bitch but honestly when you have multiple friends it just becomes very draining. I also think its selfish - but somehow you get made out to be the selfish one.

It all becomes very claustrophobic and so yes, you end up not bothering to reply to the simplest message

Your latest post puts a whole different spin on things.
Sorry OP but he's not as in to you as you are in to him and the reason he's not responding is because he doesn't want to progress things.

He initiates sex talk and then disappears. Possibly because he thinks he's gone too far and doesn't want to lead you on.

Just let him go. Don't keep contacting him.

You sound like hard work.

You’ve done the classic:

OP:AIBU?
Most posters: YES
OP: No I’m not

OP, that's quite a drip feed. This is not a simple friend not replying to your messages, this is someone you're sexually and quite possibly emotionally involved with.

Time to call him and talk about it. It's no good for your confidence to go on like this.

I am with you on this OP, it is rude to effectively ignore someone in this way. I think if you’re friends with someone you make the effort.

As others have said, of course replying later on to a message is fine but that’s not the case here as you’ve said he never replies. I wouldn’t cut him off completely but I would reduce contact and let him initiate. It’s tiring being the only initiator

@Lookslikerainted

You sound like hard work.

You’ve done the classic:

OP:AIBU?
Most posters: YES
OP: No I’m not

I don’t think I have. Just need to accept it’s not going anywhere, I guess.

The update invalidates everything else you’ve said but not the advice you’ve been given.

He’s not that into you. He’s showing you this repeatedly. He’s an adult. He’s not your responsibility. There’s nothing wrong with spending your Saturday evenings on the sofa, I’m happily married and do the same, there’s literally nowhere to go right now in the U.K. If he wants to waste his life watching porn that’s his look out.

Why are you chasing him? Why be the only one who always makes the first move to chat? Why accept being a booty call? Why invest so much energy when you’re getting nothing back? It’s like you’re trying to save him from something (himself?) and he’s fine as he is.

You’re busy, you’ve got your daughter, you’re overworked and exhausted and pretty tetchy. He’s not checking in on you, doesn’t ask how you are or ask how he can support you.

I’d step right back and work out why you’ve been pursuing this while getting nothing positive back. Relationships, whether friendships or romance, should make life easier, lighter, brighter, happier. If you find yourself stressing, pondering and wanting to shout swear words at people online it’s not giving you what you need or deserve.

Just reading the text exchanges and updates, I'm sorry OP but it sounds like he's just not into you and not really interested in keeping the friendship going anymore. It sounds like he is just texting the bare minimum to keep you on the back burner.

Why waste everyone’s time OP? You could have just posted that in the first place and let people give you relevant advice.

Maybe she finds the conversations too intense sometimes? It can be tiring to be trapped in a long back and forth when you don’t want to be. It has to end sometime.

You’re busy, you’ve got your daughter, you’re overworked and exhausted and pretty tetchy. He’s not checking in on you, doesn’t ask how you are or ask how he can support you.

Week before Xmas he said he was worried about how hard I’d been working all year and said we’d go to a hotel for the weekend somewhere in the new year for a proper break.

So he did care not so long back. I do wonder whether he thinks there’s no point given lockdown likely to be in place for months yet.

Why post the way you did then? It wasn’t even a real scenario.

It is. I haven’t posted anything untrue. I didn’t give full details if the nature of the relationship but I wasn’t sure that actually mattered.

You're overthinking it!

Whatsapp, text etc is all so informal, you participate in conversations when you want to or can. Especially if its trivial/casual conversation. Most of my 'conversations' with friends begin and end like this when messaging.

You sound very needy and it seems like this friendship isnt offering you as much as you need. People can only 'give' so much of themselves and your friend may have other things going on.

If you dont have any other friends and want to keep this friendship going you'd probably be shooting yourself in the foot if you got confrontational and told them to f* off.

If this is a friendship that you're hoping will lead to a relationship then maybe you need to be clearer about it. But without confrontation. No one likes neediness.

And I should have read the whole thread!

He's not interested.
Sorry op - but you sound like incredibly hard work. He has depression, I do too. Sometimes I physically can't hold a conversation and I don't speak to anyone for days (apart from Dh and dc of course). It is exhausting managing a conversation when you're so low.
He is very much entitled not to reply, and have periods of quiet. No one is obligated to message back quickly, people have other things going on.
Given your recent update it's a little clearer why you're so invested in this - but YABU.
This isn't going anywhere, you aren't a good fit.

I didn’t give full details if the nature of the relationship but I wasn’t sure that actually mattered.

It does matter though.
Same scenario with a friend - not a big deal really, a lot of my conversations with friends on WhatsApp go like that with a question not being answered etc.

Same scenario with a love interest - very clear message that he's not interested in progressing the relationship as you initiate the majority of the conversations and he disappears when he thinks things have gone too far.
Also, if you'd said he was a love interest at the beginning I would have been asking you why he doesn't work and whether you'd be happy with being in the relationship in those circumstances where he doesn't work and you're doing 14 hours day. What are his prospects for getting a job? If you moved in together would you be working to provide for both while he sits on his arse all day watching porn?
If it's a friend who doesn't work and watches porn all day it's irrelevant but it's pretty damn important if you're thinking about a possible future with someone.

You don’t need a night away in a hotel. You need a friend to have mutually supportive mindless chatter with. I hope you’ve got other people to lean on.

Bin this man off. Look how stressed and angry and upset you are. For what?

@DicklessWonder

It is. I haven’t posted anything untrue. I didn’t give full details if the nature of the relationship but I wasn’t sure that actually mattered.

The nature of the relationship DOES matter. I don't get worked up about friends ignoring me. I'd be quite worried if my mum who I'm extremely close to, my partner, or someone I'm interested in, ignored me. Without telling me why.

I also have one friend who is exactly like this.
I message her, she reads it... no reply for days then drifts off again.
It is certainly one sided.
Other friends that I see as definitely busier than her respond quicker.
I wouldn't say anything along those lines. I'd just let the friendship go and move on sad as it is

Omg I do this to everyone I know. Do you think they're all secretly debating whether to tell me to fuck off? 🤨🤨

The update changes a lot (although I wouldn’t be that impressed with a friend constantly doing that). He’s not putting enough into the relationship. Not good enough sadly.

Them: watched an awesome film
Me: oh really. Which one?

Try "hellooooo???? I asked which film", or if that fails just answer their texts with "that's nice" and leave it at that.

Maybe hang back for a while and let him do the follow ups. Some people are just rubbish at staying in contact.