To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

You sound a bit stressed and are overreacting, I think. I would just try to forget it; sounds quite normal to me.

I wouldn't take it personally. I'm the same.
Message comes through, I'm busy, but check that it's not urgent - need a lift to hospital, feeling desperate, split up from husband, need something from supermarket and isolating etc....
I then usually answer in the evening when everything is easier. I do occasionally forget.

Most of my message exchanges tail away as one of us has wandered off and then pick up again a few days or weeks later. If l had a friend who made a fuss about me not signing off properly l'd file them under seriously high-maintenance ...

I don’t think it matters whether they are male or female. It’s basic courtesy in the examples, surely?

No, it's really not. Text chats are a million miles away from real talking and should not be compared.

I didn't assume "they" were female. I found the use of they extremely annoying though. Why can't you say he or she?

It’s back and forth.

I know someone who does this, and wet resumed contact in a similar way. They will message me randomly with things like, "Long queue at Tesco's today and had to wait 20 minutes to get in"
I reply and they say they're stressed about xyz, and I ask more about the situation and get silence.
I do initiate conversations but so do they, except that they tend to 'drift off' in the middle of things.
They have anxiety, depression and are pending assessment for ASD/ADHD.

I have another friend with diagnosed MH issues (all of the above and a stack more) who doesn't do this, ever.

You say she has depression? Maybe sometimes you just doesn’t want to ‘talk’ it’s different to posting on FB.
Everyone’s under stress and strains right now I’m sure it’s not done out of nastiness I often leave a convo with my sisters or take my time replying if it were urgent they would ring

That would annoy me too although I appreciate people have busy lives.

Don't bother messaging this person.

Do you fancy them? Do they think that you fancy them?
You sound overly invested in this for a friendship and then at the end of your OP your write
"Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days."

The use of relationships rather than friendships looks to me like a Freudian slip.

You seem to be wanting more out of this than they are willing to give. If you don't fancy them it still seems too intense for a friendship.

I think you must be friends with my 20 year old son!

Jeez. What's with all the gender non specific pronouns? Are you trying to be cute and mysterious? Just say if it's a man or a woman ffs. What's the big secret?

Is the friend transitioning, hence the use of "they"?

The context could matter, OP. Ilhahi may be right. If you are trying to identify whether they are interested in you for a more serious relationship then I'm not sure they are.

If it's a platonic thing, and you are female and your friend is male and in a settled relationship, for example, then it wouldn't really be too appropriate to be expecting twice weekly long online chats with them, would it?

YANBU I find this annoying too. DSis does it so I've started doing it back to her. I just want to know where I stand.

I know what you mean OP. I have one "friend" who always, always has to end the conversation. So I'll get a text all enthusiastic asking me something, I reply and respond with a question related to this discussion. Tumbleweed. Feels very controlling, she wants to hook me in to respond but CBA to actually have a conversation, just wants the gratification of me responding.

TBH it is someone I don't see IRL any more as I moved so I have decided I just won't reply in future.

Work and home life makes phone calls difficult

Hmmmmm......... what is it about the home life that makes phone calls difficult?

ARE you female fancying your friend in a settled relationship?

Sorry but you should just stop initiating the conversation online if your expectations are the same as a physical conversation. I completely agree it's annoying, but it's also totally standard.

Hang on, hang on......

You say in one post that they don't work. Then in another you say they are up at 4am and in bed by 8.30-9.00pm. What's the reason for that then?

I would be annoyed too but more so by the fact you are always the one starting the conversation.
I’ll leave them be and wait for them to contact you.

FWIW yes it’s normal for things to end up more abruptly. It’s not normal to ALWAYS end up in the middle like this andd and leave you hanging

I’d also say that a conversation like this 2~3 times a week would be a lot for me. Maybe they’d prefer them to be once a week or every other week iyswim

YANBU - it’s rude. My sister does this and it drives me potty. Don’t tell your friend to fuck off though, just withdraw a bit yourself and lower your expectations of how close this friend is.
PS Texting you “I’ve read a book you’d love” them not replying when you ask what it is sounds like they’re doing it on purpose - so annoying!

@DicklessWonder So in response to the battery thing, I offered the charger immediately. You wouldn’t think replying “thanks, but I’ve sorted it” might be polite? Just took me about 2-3 secs to type that. Nobody is so busy they don’t have 2-3 seconds over the space of a week to type something like that and leave the conversation politely.

I would say thank you in that case, yes. But I personally really, really don't care if someone replies to my messages or not. it's obviously important to you. You both need to have a conversation (not over WhatsApp but an actual phone call) about it.

Actually just a minute ago I was listening to someone's voice message from Wednesday morning. I had to put my phone down in the middle of our chat and if I had to keep a mental list of who needs a reply when I pick it up again, I couldn't remember everyone. I could reply now but I won't. It was relevant to our chat then, it would be strange to go back to that topic now. She won't think I'm rude because we do it all the time and neither of us mind. WhatsApp and messenger and trivial chats with my friends aren't a priority to me. When a friend is needed we are always there for each other but I couldn't get this worked up about random, not important conversations.

You might be different. In which case, talk to her.

I’ve had this happen with a few friends. Eventually I just leave it and wait for them to get back to me. They’re busy and I’m busy so I just let it go. When I’m less available for those people as it’s out of character, I think they notice. Either way, I’ve definitely learnt that people are way too wrapped up on social media these days. I’m not even on Facebook anymore and I don’t regret it one bit.

I get that you’re concerned about their depression, so I’d maybe drop a message every now and again to say you hope they’re ok and to give you a call if they want to catch up. Non-committal and leaves the ball in their court. That way you’ve done what you can and it’s their choice if they want to engage.

I do what your friend does. Your friend isnt as invested as you are and that's their right. It's also your right to just back away if the friendship isnt working for you any more. But there's literally nothing you can do about it. You can try and have a serious conversation about it and they'll apologise but they'll end up resenting you. I've found that people have different styles and approaches to friendships and it can be hugely frustrating. You find them disrespectful rude and uncaring. Equally they find you suffocating demanding and needy.

Neither is right or wrong.

In the dating world you would just both acknowledge its not a good match. In the friendship world lines are more blurred

I can only think the majority of people haven't properly read the OP's post. I'm always on the side of people being allowed to take as long as they like to reply, and I generally feel less communication is better than more, but this is something else. Not responding to a direct question, ever, is rude.

Except: if OP is always the first and last to post, how do we know this person even wanted to have a conversation at all? OP contacts them, so as not to be rude they say one random thing about their life, OP always comes back with a question about the thing. If they didn't ask for contact in the first place, and everything they say just leads to even more demands for interaction, I can see why they would just bow out.

@ilhahih

Do you fancy them? Do they think that you fancy them? You sound overly invested in this for a friendship and then at the end of your OP your write "Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days." The use of relationships rather than friendships looks to me like a Freudian slip.

You seem to be wanting more out of this than they are willing to give. If you don't fancy them it still seems too intense for a friendship.

Well done, Miss Marple! 👏🏽

Okay, so lots of questions.

Neither of us is in a relationship. He lives alone, I have my teenage DD 50/50.

He sold a successful business a couple of years ago after suffering a back injury and is living off the proceeds. He writes, more as a hobby than anything else. He spent years as a baker and has just always woken up early.

I work - usually 8am - 7pm on average under normal circumstances in a challenging role.

Things were developing before Covid hit. As a result my work became even more demanding. Plus homeschooling DD etc. We agreed to keep talking online when we couldn’t talk (too late for him/DD around) and after a while he started staying up later on weekends, which is when the chatting would happen on the phone if I didn’t have DD or online if I did.

We met up when we could in the summer. Then the restrictions started again.

I worry that this lockdown has affected his mental health. I know he spends Saturday evenings on the sofa now. He’s admitted to an increase in porn use which concerns me. So of course, when he disappears I assume he’s chosen the porn rather than me.

I guess I feel that if he can’t manage to maintain even polite communication once a week/fortnight when he’s trying to get me into bed, what would I get if we did get together?

Sometimes he disappears when he has initiated sex talk. I assumed he was falling asleep post-wank (sorry) but to not then respond for days?

I guess I’ll see how much longer he maintains the silence and prepare to let him go.