To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

I sometimes to this and it is usually due to one of two reasons:

• I get distracted mid-conversation and then forget all about it.

• I get tired of typing on my phone really quickly and a couple of responses is about all I want to do. I have a couple of friends who love chatting on messenger and sometimes when they send me a conversation opener like the ones you mention, then I won´t respond because it won´t be a one or two line answer but a whole conversation that I have to type.

MN tends toward an unusually old fashioned attitude toward texting/messaging I think.

You sound really tense OP. Don't let this add to your stress, if the friendship isn't working for you then move on, otherwise accept that people live to their own standards and not to yours.
Breathe, and relax :) its all good

Beauty of online communication is you are not hassled to answer straight away. I think you are expecting different things from what your friends want, maybe.

Does it usually tail off after you’ve asked questions OP? The reason I’m asking is that one of the depressed people I know said they sometimes feel stressed when people ask them questions , or ask for details: I guess it can feel like pressure or can feel overwhelming, so they avoid .

I wonder if you could just be direct and when they don’t reply one day you could just say something like ‘I’ve noticed you often stop texting when I feel like we are in the middle of a conversation. No problem if you’re busy or whatever but would appreciate if you could let me know or say bye. Cheers’

I have a dozen examples of my sister or I having done this just this week. It’s perfectly fine because we are both actually busy and things come up in the day.

I can’t imagine having the luxury to sit and have a complete text conversation that isn’t interrupted by a work task or a child. When I have that kind of time, I’ll pick up the phone and chat.

I’m friends with someone who does it but the other way round. So they always contacts me, ask questions. I respond etc then they ignore? I find it a bit strange but to be honest I don’t bother too much.

I have a few friends where we are both busy and might forget for a day or two but do respond when we get time! I’d say just don’t make as much effort!

The only person here bringing up sex or gender was you OP...who then got uppity about it not being relevant 😂🤦‍♀️

I’m like this. I find it exhausting replying due to mental health issues sounds she’s the same.

In future try saying 'Oh no, that's awful' or 'Oh, that's nice' instead of keeping the conversation going OP. If the other person is going to wander off anyway then it might make you feel better if you haven't invested any effort in your answer to them....

I can tell you’re very sure you’re right, OP, but most disagree with you. Including me. I think it’s fine to not message back. Especially about such mundane things.

Does it usually tail off after you’ve asked questions OP? The reason I’m asking is that one of the depressed people I know said they sometimes feel stressed when people ask them questions , or ask for details: I guess it can feel like pressure or can feel overwhelming, so they avoid.

Not always questions, no. Can be any conversation that you would expect would carry on, if you see what I mean. And if that was a few days/week later, it wouldn’t be an issue.

I wonder if you could just be direct and when they don’t reply one day you could just say something like ‘I’ve noticed you often stop texting when I feel like we are in the middle of a conversation. No problem if you’re busy or whatever but would appreciate if you could let me know or say bye. Cheers’

Kinda did that, but a bit more forcefully.

I did explain that it made me worry something might have happened to them - this isn’t about me getting all my needs met and not them.

I’m trying to improve my self care right now. I guess I’ll leave them be. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m working 8am - midnight most days, they get up at 4am and are in bed by 8:30-9pm.
With this kind of schedule, I would be leaving some conversations unfinished too.

I do this a lot too OP. Especially when the issue I was writing about is not important anymore. So say the problem with the battery was sorted between them writing the message and you replying, or someone else they texted about it got back to them first. I'm rarely in the mood to go back and talk about another whole story that's not relevant to my life anymore. Do they also ignore it when you tell them something yourself or you ask for their advice on an important issue? From your examples they don't sound inconsiderate, just that they can't be bothered to reply sometimes. Probably because said issue is not relevant anymore. I wouldn't sweat it myself.

Could be many reasons why your friend doesn't get back to you. Maybe your messages come through at an inconvenient time when they are doing something important. Maybe it comes through when they are doing something UNimportant like watching their favourite TV programme and they don't have Sky plus to pause etc. And then they forget to reply afterwards.

Maybe they have other stuff going on in their life you're unaware of causing them to be distracted. Maybe their working hours mean that the time you are messaging them is disruptive to their routine. Maybe if they are depressed they just don't want to interact with anyone, no matter how much you feel they should need "company". Maybe they have loads of other friends they also messaged at the same time and they got mixed up with who they were meant to reply to. Maybe they did read your message meaning to reply later and because it had been read it wasn't flagged as new etc and so got lost amidst a load of others. Maybe they don't value your interactions that much. Maybe they do, but a twice weekly message is pointless in their eyes if no-one is going anywhere so they don't have much news. Maybe they have given you hints to that effect and you just haven't picked up on it?

WHO KNOWS? If YOU value the friendship enough then you accept that that's just the way they interact online. If you don't feel that you are adding anything to each other's lives then just pull back, and let them get back to you when they wish to. It does sound like it's you who is doing all the initiating of online conversations, making it very one-sided. On the receiving end of that I personally would find it a bit stalker-ish but then Im' quite a private person so......

OP, I get you. Yes, it's rude.

I've done the forgetting thing replying. Not often, but if I go back in to message them a while later and realise I never responded to their last message (and it warrants a reply) I'll apologise.

If it's a day later that's not a problem. People are busy yes. But not to respond to a question? Crap.

Please just don't message them. They aren't worth it.

I only invest the same energy as the other person does, if they don't respond then I'm too busy to initiate.

Even goes for my sister ill call her and shell eventually msg and say she will call later, doesn't and then 12 days later she'll finally call me back, I wont call her repeatedly. And when she does call me if I'm busy I don't drop what I'm doing to answer her either.

I treat peolle the way they treat me.

@CloseSchoolsProtecttheNHS

I can tell you’re very sure you’re right, OP, but most disagree with you. Including me. I think it’s fine to not message back. Especially about such mundane things.

I’m listening.

I’m trying to stay sane in very trying circumstances too. My world could become all about work at this rate.

I think it sounds like you're just talking too much for her, my mum talks alot, I often find I've ran out of things to say but cant end it. If I can I say I'm off to bed, or off to work, or just send a laughing emoji but otherwise I just don't respond.

I dislike the culture of expecting immediate responses to texts. Does it matter if there’s a few days or a few weeks in between responses?
Is it a big deal if people read something and are then too distracted to answer for a while?

@DicklessWonder

I miss manners.

Oh Jesus

So do I. This pandemic people have become incredibly selfish. I see it in the roads all the time.

@KatyaZamolodchikova

Yep, I do this. I read a message, then the phone rings and I have to answer it, or an email pings in that I need to deal with, or a delivery comes, or the washing machine is done, or the microwave pings, or my husband or stepdaughter need something, and I think, ‘I’ll reply to that in a minute’ and by the time I’ve finished the thing I’ve forgotten all about it. I’ll be honest, I’d be a bit taken aback at a friend that told me to fuck off then because of it.

This is me, too. Exactly.

Life happens. I think you're overreacting, OP.

@EileenGC

I’m working 8am - midnight most days, they get up at 4am and are in bed by 8:30-9pm. With this kind of schedule, I would be leaving some conversations unfinished too.

I do this a lot too OP. Especially when the issue I was writing about is not important anymore. So say the problem with the battery was sorted between them writing the message and you replying, or someone else they texted about it got back to them first. I'm rarely in the mood to go back and talk about another whole story that's not relevant to my life anymore. Do they also ignore it when you tell them something yourself or you ask for their advice on an important issue? From your examples they don't sound inconsiderate, just that they can't be bothered to reply sometimes. Probably because said issue is not relevant anymore. I wouldn't sweat it myself.

So in response to the battery thing, I offered the charger immediately. You wouldn’t think replying “thanks, but I’ve sorted it” might be polite? Just took me about 2-3 secs to type that. Nobody is so busy they don’t have 2-3 seconds over the space of a week to type something like that and leave the conversation politely.

You were forceful by your own definition.

My guess is you went off at him/her and if that’s the case, and if he/she is suffering with depression, I can understand why they wouldn’t respond to that. Why would they feed that level of drama?

You’ve been quite abrasive on here too so if you come across like that to your friend, they probably find the back and forth a bit trying.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. Happens a lot in messages with my friends. Fact is it’s not telephone so people tend to forget. I know I do so never take offence when people do.

I don’t think it’s rude. I think you need to be more laid back