To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

Op got into a modern 'situationship' with old fashioned relationship expectations. She accepted being a 'friend' instead of a girlfriend and now she's unhappy with the level of commitment. She wanted everyone to tell her that 'friends' get treated the way the way she wants to be treated.

Tbh they probably do.

But her and that man are not friends, that's just something people say nowadays to be polite. They're acquaintances who have sex and occasional conversations.

Did you meet on tinder OP?

It is important for you, it’s breaking rules within the nhs leaving you exhausted and emotional.

That's just texting. Anything more meaningful would be done over the phone, time can always be made.
Rather than telling this person to go fuck themselves, you need to simply stop being the one who texts first every time. Currently you're giving the impression that you're happy with the communication, since you keep continuing the cycle.

@DicklessWonder "I said strange everyone assumed I was talking about a female friend...... "

No, you didn't say that. You said -

"Interesting that you've all assumed female".

Some were assuming you were female. Hence my comment.

Anyway back to the topic in hand. You sound like far too much hard work. No one should be subjected to such a demanding 'friend'. Please to tell them to "fuck off" - I suspect you'll be doing them a favour.

Or partner or whatever this person is. I'd rather use a cactus as a dildo than be under such pressure from someone over a text.

"Having now gone back and RTFT, wow! Drip feed of the week!"

This!

My first thought was that you were being U buy having read your examples i.e almost prompting you to ask them a question and then them ignoring you, I do think that's a bit rude and strange really. If they haven't got time to engage then don't start the discussion.
I'd distance myself a bit if I were you and with the hours you're working try and set some time aside for self-care, something for yourself that isn't dependant on anyone else, even if it's half an hour reading, having a bath or something.

@SkedaddIe

Op got into a modern 'situationship' with old fashioned relationship expectations. She accepted being a 'friend' instead of a girlfriend and now she's unhappy with the level of commitment. She wanted everyone to tell her that 'friends' get treated the way the way she wants to be treated.

Tbh they probably do.

But her and that man are not friends, that's just something people say nowadays to be polite. They're acquaintances who have sex and occasional conversations.

Did you meet on tinder OP?

No. We went to the same school. Had a brief fling after we’d left and lost touch as per my first post.

Yanbu to tell him to fuck off.

@SkedaddIe

Yanbu to tell him to fuck off.

Thanks. Have done so mentally. And decided that as far as the messages go, silence is golden. His loss. Onwards and upwards.

YABU. Very controlling.

People have different levels engagement with whattsapp - I have about 5 core friends and I know all their levels of engagement. I know they all love me so if they’re out of contact I know that there’s a valid reason. I used to really worry I’d offended people for no reason when I didn’t hear back, it was my partner who said if there is nothing you e done then just cover they’re busy. It’s not personal. He’s right.

This is a tough one. I have a friend who only ever messages to rant and when it suits her. She’ll then disappear mid conversation for days leaving my last message unread and ignored. I know it’s ignored because it used to upset so I’d look and she’d be online and active on WhatsApp. That’s ignoring and that’s infuriating and upsetting.

If she’s reading then not replying I think it’s more likely she gets distracted then forgets. Not intentionally to hurt you. I wouldn’t tell her to fuck off but I would possibly draw back a little bit from the friendship.

With my above mentioned friend I have stopped messaging her first or double messaging her. I’ll reply if she messages and we have a good chat but if she disappears and ignores I don’t message again. She usually does a few days later. I think she realises she’s being out of order and has gone back to actually making an effort with our friendship. I’m sticking with not being the instigator though, it’s much less painful for me!

So the context of your relationship absolutely does matter. Him initiating a convent is text and then never replying to your response is down right rude and out of order. Like dangling a carrot. I would absolutely not reply again if I were you because it’s so wrong to keep doing this to you over and over. He’s entitled to not reply -of course - but then you’re entitled to block and ignore. It’s so wrong to boost his own ego whilst making you so confused about where you stand. It’s all kinds of wrong and a very bad sign. Hard though it is, if it were me I’d cut him off tbh. For your own sanity.

*a conversation NOT convent 🤦🏻‍♀️😆

Ohhh the friend is a man. Stop giving him your time. Men are rubbish sometimes. You don’t know his situation - if he’s interested in someone else he might not want to be talking to you in case she thinks you two are an item.

Either way this isn’t worth you getting angry.

You are being oversensitive about them leaving you hanging, I think it's the nature of instant messaging - you get busy in real life.
But, if it's only ever you who initiates the conversation then maybe step back a bit.

You sound very stressed out OP and working those sorts of hours perhaps that’s why.
However you do sound quite naïve and appear to hold people up to a high standard. People have different communication styles. Some are verbose like yours and detailed (like mine) and some are quite short and concise. Also attention filters - people get interrupted or maybe when they do reply don’t actually have time to get into a big conversation/ text chat with you. I know people who are not big texters but are dear lovely people who would never mean to be rude. If I rang them we could chat an hour but texting would last 5 mins Max. You need to realise that not everyone is like you or has the same communication style. Some of your text examples I probably wouldn’t have answered either. Eg the bike one 30 miles - that’s amazing - why was that? Do you need a reason ? Maybe they just like cycling ! Not much to say there. I hope you can see this in a different way and not ruin a friendship because of it. Sounds like you also need a break?

Just see the stuff about you being in a relationship- sorry I read through 4 pages of this before replying as 7 I didn’t have time for frankly! But now realise slightly different context. Perhaps just move on if not just a genuine friendship

If I have had enough of a conversation - esp as I find texting shallow and necessarily brief, I sign off - must read this paper, must get to the post, TTFN (ta ta for now)
I don't really like this kind of conversation - and it isn't for everyone ..... I am more relational - really wanting to make personal contact with the other person and feel how they are (however briefly) I work in NHS too - maybe you are more like that and s/he is more visual and wants to browse photos and memes and short videos of kittens falling asleep. I do a lot of that to stay sane

I don’t think YABU OP. I have a male friend who does this too and it drives me crazy. I’ve spoken to him about it and he has explained - he also suffers with depression and sometimes just switches his phone off mid conversation. He doesn’t mean anything bad by it and because of his circumstances I let it go.

I’d just stop contacting him all the time and he’ll either start to make the effort or it’ll fizzle out. Least you’ll know either way.

Hi OP. Do you think your friend might be worried about messaging sometimes given your crazy hours? I often bow out of a conversation with either or both of my sisters if it’s just chit chat and I know they are busy or on funny shift patterns. They are both frontline NHS, a doctor and a midwife and I’m always terrified to wake them up. Just a thought.
Cool off and keep in touch with your friend. You know you want to and you’re just tired and fraught, unsurprisingly with everything going on in the NHS at the moment and you probably feel like you wish your friend was more supportive when you are having such a difficult time.
I hope you’re ok. I feel for you working that hard and I’m grateful you’re out there doing it x

YABU.

I do these, I'm finding things very difficult at the moment and have a lot going on, I sometimes just can't face replying.
Be a good friend and give her/him a break! Someone once said to me that "Good friends ain't heavy." It's always something that has stuck with me.

I have two friends who do this every time. So frustrating. I initiate and we chat and I will ask them a question ABOUT THEM and still don’t get an answer!!! It’s bloody rude. Now I do the same to them. I don’t care anymore!

So, tonight he sent me a dick pic. I’d had a drink and to say I gave it him both barrels is an understatement.

He described himself as a “selfish bastard” (as if that’s a reasonable excuse) and I agreed. Guess that’s that done then.