To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

If you had said from the start that this was a budding relationship rather than a friendship you would have received very different responses.

@Confusedandshaken

If you had said from the start that this was a budding relationship rather than a friendship you would have received very different responses.

Yeah well. Many lessons learned.

(Still think it’s about basic manners though.)

This is how people behave when they are trying to keep it very casual/sexual and are trying to make it clear they they don’t want anything more: I have been there OP. When I was younger I had a ‘friend with benefits’. I focused on the friendship part and expected to be treated with the kind of basic care and interest a friend would show. He focused on the ‘benefits’ part and basically only got in touch when he wanted sex. Eventually , and after much wasted time and frustration on my part, I took a long hard look at why I was wasting my energy on someone who clearly didn’t want what I wanted and ended it. Lesson learned. I think you need to end this OP and look for someone who is on the same page as you, otherwise it’s just going to make you feel bad and who needs that?

This happens a lot. I do it, my friends do it. We just pick up again another day, different conversation.

I wouldn’t because when I’ve done this it’s because I’m washing up, cleaning, helping with homework etc and can’t think of anything witty, interesting or even passable to say. Nobody wants to hear about the boring details of my day. So, I say YABU. I would never tell a friend to F off anyway. There is some give and take in friendships, nobody is perfect. If you feel it has run it’s course then back away but it’s easier to say nothing than to say something hurtful that you can’t take back.

In your case, you’ve explained that you find it hurtful and she’s continued to do it- so just don’t answer.

I know a few people like this and they aren’t deliberately trying to insult people- rather they talk to multiple people at a set time because they are busy.

@shivermetimbers77

This is how people behave when they are trying to keep it very casual/sexual and are trying to make it clear they they don’t want anything more: I have been there OP. When I was younger I had a ‘friend with benefits’. I focused on the friendship part and expected to be treated with the kind of basic care and interest a friend would show. He focused on the ‘benefits’ part and basically only got in touch when he wanted sex. Eventually , and after much wasted time and frustration on my part, I took a long hard look at why I was wasting my energy on someone who clearly didn’t want what I wanted and ended it. Lesson learned. I think you need to end this OP and look for someone who is on the same page as you, otherwise it’s just going to make you feel bad and who needs that?

This is the weird thing. It was always him pushing for more. I was/am happy with casual. He was the one developing feelings early on. It was me slowing things down.

Anyway. It’s done now.

Sounds to me as if they want the friendship to cool down a bit. Hence leaving your messages unanswered.

To those that haven’t RTFT, at least read my posts.

He sounds like a loser, OP

Do better for yourself, please!

I don't mind if someone doesn't reply, but those half conversations you posted are weird especially because it keeps happening. I would stop bothering for now. If it was me and I noticed I hadn't responded I would read back and respond and say sorry I forgot this.

I'd expect he was a porn addict and maybe alcohol or drugs too. Addictive personalities take over your life. The addiction comes first the whole marriage. He's texting you when drunk probably and then not sober. I'd definitely write him off, red flags all over the place.

I have email conversations with customers like this (run an online business) when I may need information to progress the transaction or to source some items for them. It often happens with stylists from film and TV studios - they get distracted by something and never answer the questions. So I just send another email headed "2nd request for info" and ask for the answers they missed last time. Some people are just poorly organized Im afraid.

If it was a casual relationship like this I would lay back and not invest so much into the friendship. Friendships are very rarely equal.

@poppy54321

I'd expect he was a porn addict and maybe alcohol or drugs too. Addictive personalities take over your life. The addiction comes first the whole marriage. He's texting you when drunk probably and then not sober. I'd definitely write him off, red flags all over the place.

Definitely not drugs and whilst he does drink it’s not often to excess (his ex-wife was an alcoholic). I definitely think the porn thing has ramped up recently though. He commented on it during one conversation, and to be honest it did concern me.

There are absolutely loads of things that would limit this developing into anything serious - the hours we are awake, common interests, some political viewpoints. He always said he was “turned on by and a bit intimidated by my intelligence”. He’s fairly basic. Likes football and boxing, neither of which I can stand. And clearly very different views about manners and communication. He’s still very much the geezer I knew in the noughties. I think I’ve grown up past that.

I was quite happy with a laugh and the occasional screw, but I started losing attraction when this mid-conversation drop-off started and I guess I’ve finally admitted what really I’ve known all along.

Feels shit right now, but longer term it’s definitely for the best. Cheers 🍻

"They live alone a prone to depression. Maybe that’s another reason I try to keep the chat going, because I don’t want them to feel completely isolated. Bubbles here are really limited and they have very little contact with others during the week"

OP - And you were going to tell them to F off?

I do this but uts because I read the message, get distracted by something I need to do in the house or for the kids or dog or work and them completely forget to text back.
Being on fb has got nothing to donwith your conversation. I don't have fb but j could go have a text conversation or phone call with countless other people and still not remember to text you back until something else reminded me of you.
I would also find having 2 text conversation a week a bit much. I wouldn't really have anything to day, especially atm.
It could be that she's trying to end the conversation. Do you have a habit of relentless texting about nothing?

Ah so it's not just a friend 🙄

Being on fb has got nothing to donwith your conversation. I don't have fb but j could go have a text conversation or phone call with countless other people and still not remember to text you back until something else reminded me of you.

Completely different. Your examples aren’t visible to others.

Posting on Facebook - which shows you that you have messages in messenger - screams “my thumbs work, I have internet connection and things to say, just not to you”.

For what it's worth, op, I do this kind of thing all the time and I am not a bad person or a bad friend. If one of my friends flew off the handle at me for not responding properly to messages I'd think they were enormously overreacting. I'd also think they were very needy - like why are you obsessing over my replies? And yes I would be messaging other people or on social media (if I used it) within that time, because I can feel like communicating with different people in a different way.

Do you out a lot of pressure on your friendships? Because if this pattern plays out in different areas it sounds like you do. That kind of pressure alone is enough to stop someone wanting to reply always. Sometimes I don't reply just because of the mental load. Nobody knows how much anyone else has going on in their head.

Sometimes it's best to take friends as they come. This person is rubbish at messaging. Does that make them a bad friend overall? Maybe the reality is that you just aren't as far up their list of priorities as you'd like. You can just accept that, and accept their friendship as it comes, or you can get really angry and demand they pay you a specific level of attention, and probably damage or lose the friendship.

Oh ha. Just read that he is a love interest. Nice drip feed. Totally different- simple answer. He's just not that into you. Sorry.

I also do this especially when my mental health isn’t great. I do fret about it but can’t bring myself to reply to messages sometimes.