To tell them to fuck off?

[DicklessWonder]

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship?

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

I think I’ll just let it die.

I didn’t have a go, but for what I said not to have even been worthy of a “sorry” over the course of a week..... nah. Not for me.

Thanks for all the advice.

I do have issues with being ignored and value that stem from childhood. I don’t have to accept it as an adult though.

I'm with you, OP, and to be honest, most of my friends would feel the same, too. As a one off, fine. But to regularly do it, it's just rude. If I read a WhatsApp then got distracted, next time I went on WhatsApp and saw I'd left a message unread, I'd apologise and reply.

It is rude.

In the time it’s taken you to post as much as you have on this thread, you could have picked up the phone and spoken to them if you were that bothered.

YANBU, it's rude.

Some people hate texting and messaging. We do it because we have to but we don’t enjoy it.

My friends are very patient with me and they know if they don’t reply to me I don’t get offended either.

But they know that if they need anything or they’re in trouble or need a lift, I’ll be there right away. That’s real friendship to me, not how quickly you respond to messages.

But that’s not really the point, is it? She shouldn’t have to call him because he’s not responding very often to texts. If he was good enough he’d make the effort.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You need to contact them less.

This. Big time. Step away. Sooooo far away.

Be done ..quietly.
You do not need this.

Do not make a show of yourself.

She has made it abundantly clea4you are not a priority.

Step gently away.
Move on.
Live your best life.

Why didn't you give the whole context before?! Bit strange not to.

I think he's either incredibly laid back and you need to chill out more about the situation (in which case going off on one at him won't have helped), or he's just not that into you. Sorry to sound harsh, OP.

The whole point of messaging is that you can dip in and out when you feel like it.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

"Dickless Wonder"
"Interesting everybody has assumed you are female"

"with your User name"....😂😂😂😂

I think YABVU and high maintenance. I don’t like having conversations where I feel pressure to respond. As someone else said, how should a text conversation end anyway?

If someone told me to F off just because I left Gaia between replying I’d be really pissed off.

Where on earth are you working in the nhs that’s expecting you to work 8-after midnight (16 hours!?) Per day for 6 weeks straight with no day off???

112 hours a week???

They live alone a prone to depression. Maybe that’s another reason I try to keep the chat going, because I don’t want them to feel completely isolated. Bubbles here are really limited and they have very little contact with others during the week.

Isn't it ironic that in an era when people have supposedly never been so "connected", actually it can be a really solitary existence.

OP I can understand how you feel with the onesidedness of texting/messaging, but unfortunately text conversations nowadays are often meaningless, because it's so easy to fire off a text, that they can become unfulfilling.

My technique, and I'm not big on texting because it's frustrating and asynchronous, is never to ask a question that needs an answer. Dont put the other person under the obligation of needing to respond. Then you won't have the open question floating in the air begging to be answered. Say stuff as fact, be supportive, show you're there for them:

Not: How are you.?
I hope you're OK and have been having a good week.: Thought about you today because I watched that film you said was your favourite.

Not: What's that book about?
Oo that book sounds interesting, you'll have to tell me if it's any good when you get a moment. I'm reading xxx atm.

Not: (cycled 30 miles) any reason?
That's really impressive to have cycled that far. You've encouraged me get out and do a bit more exercise, thanks for that!

See the difference? You're taking away the burden of responsibility from them, it doesn't leave a gap that is begging to be filled, and you've shown your friend, who you mentioned has MH problems, that you care enough (but not over invested). It releases you as well, you don't have to be on-hold expecting a response.

I probably do this all the time. If I want to have a conversation with someone I call them. Otherwise I fit chatty messages around everything else that's happening. Wanting to tell them to fuck off is a bizarre response, they're your friend right?

The only messages I prioritise are family group chats and that's because it's easy conversation and there is no expectation from anyone about keeping up the flow. I personally hate being hassled and the pressure that some friends put on me to keep in touch. I'd actually rather not bother with some people at all if they kept on messaging me all the time and couldn't accept the fact that I have a life and other things to do. The best friendships for me are the ones where we can pick up conversations as and when we are able and there is no expectation re time being put into keeping in touch. We're adults and have busy lives. Saying that, since covid began most of us arent doing anything exciting and there isnt as much to talk about at the moment, unless you really enjoy talking politics and news with your friends.
I think you need to either lower your expectations or give up on the friendship. You cant force someone to put in as much effort as you do.

You are very focused on how your work life limits how you can communicate but seem to have no thought for how things in your friends life can come first in communications they are having with you.
You sound like you dont easily have much sympathy for others.

[quote thosetalesofunexpected]@AwaAnBileYerHeid

"Dickless Wonder"
"Interesting everybody has assumed you are female"

"with your User name"....😂😂😂😂[/quote]
I said strange everyone assumed I was talking about a female friend......

@Pippa12

Where on earth are you working in the nhs that’s expecting you to work 8-after midnight (16 hours!?) Per day for 6 weeks straight with no day off???

Not important. Those aren’t my contracted hours, just what needs doing right now as part of the Covid response.

Honestly.Get over it. You sound like a twattish teenager. How utterly ridiculous.

I fucking despair sometimes I really do.

Sorry OP YABU. Most of my text conversations end like this, one or other participant gets distracted or busy and the back and forth just stops, until it's picked up again the next time. It's not a big deal.

It's very rare a text chat actually 'ends' like a phone call would with a 'speak soon x' etc

Yanbu op it’s rude, lots of people do this though, try not to let it bother you. I wouldn’t say anything to your friend. Just ignore future conversations and never instigate any more. Keep a polite distance, you’ll quickly be able to evaluate if this person truly is your friend.

Having now gone back and RTFT, wow! Drip feed of the week!

So to slightly alter my previous answer; dropping out of text conversations with friends (as you originally asked) is not unreasonable or rude.

Dropping out of text conversations with someone you're in something of a romantic relationship with (which you didn't mention in your OP) is rude and a fairly sure sign that he's not as invested as you.

Sorry OP.

I have just read the whole thread. I didn’t realise you were talking about someone you were in a relationship with, I thought it was a friendship. Unfortunately op he is just not that into you. Stop messaging him & delete his number. Good luck 💐