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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell them to fuck off?

195 replies

DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 18:52

I’ve been working silly hours recently so may just be low in patience but just want some opinions.

I’ve a friend. We’re both mid-40s. We went to the same school (not same year) but became friendly after we left. We lost touch for a while then bumped into one another about 4 years ago. Used to meet for coffee etc pre-Covid.

We’ve messaged one another once or twice or times a week over the past year or so, had conversations if that makes sense. Work and home life makes phone calls difficult so mostly message back and fore as I say.

The last few months they’ve developed a really annoying habit. We’ll be mid-conversation, back and fore, back and fore, maybe I’ll ask a general question. They’ll read it and not respond. For days. They’ll be all over FB of course, but not come back to our conversation. A week or so later I’ll send a message and they’re back to chatting as normal and then do it again.

I was angry at the weekend when it happened so pointed it out to them. Said I always initiate our chats and as most people would find someone turning around mid-conversation and walking away in any other circumstance, that’s how I felt about this.

It’s been almost a week, message was read within 10 mins of sending, posts on FB since. No response. AIBU to break the silence only to say FUCK YOU THEN?

How hard is it to type “sorry, lots going on. Speak soon?” It’s ignorant/twattish behaviour to do this, right? I’m working my bollocks off for 14 hours a day right now - they don’t work and yet I’m the one maintaining the friendship? Angry

Not used to these online relationships so don’t know if this behaviour passes for normal these days.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/01/2021 19:14

No I must admit OP having read your example of message exchanges, it doesn't really look as though they're interested in maintaining much of a relationship.

I'd cut my losses and wouldn't bother anymore.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:15

Not really it’s a predominantly female site but if your sex is relevant then put it in the op 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think sex is relevant to basic manners.

OP posts:
BeHappyAndSmile · 15/01/2021 19:15

Just don't message if it winds you up. I get annoyed when this happens too but since I've stopped getting wound up by it and just leave them to message first I'm a lot happier. It works both ways too, if you can't reply mid conversation then you're free to just do it whenever it suits. If they get annoyed then you're not being unreasonable but if they don't care why should you

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/01/2021 19:16

@DicklessWonder

Interesting that you’ve all assumed female....
Well with your username...? Grin
Dawnlassie · 15/01/2021 19:16

Perhaps she isnt as addicted to messaging as you. Sometimes I get into a little whatsapp conversation and then get distracted and dont reply for days. If somebody doesnt end the conversation it will go on 24/7

I dont understand why its making you so angry.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2021 19:17

If you get to the point of wanting to tell a friend to fuck off in CAPITALS then you’re no longer friends.

Maybe they don’t want to talk as often as you do. If you’re always starting the chats then I’d assume that’s the case.

People who don’t work aren’t necessarily sitting on their arses all day so I don’t see how that’s a factor.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 15/01/2021 19:17

YABU. It’s not at all like talking in real life. Your suggested response sounds extreme. It makes no difference to my response whether the friend is male or female.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:19

@BeHappyAndSmile

Just don't message if it winds you up. I get annoyed when this happens too but since I've stopped getting wound up by it and just leave them to message first I'm a lot happier. It works both ways too, if you can't reply mid conversation then you're free to just do it whenever it suits. If they get annoyed then you're not being unreasonable but if they don't care why should you
But they don’t ever reply. They will reply to the next message without ever responding to the question.

Them: watched an awesome film
Me: oh really. Which one?

No reply.

Week later

Me: how are you?
Them: good thanks. How are you?
Me: just having dinner. What you been up to?
Them: cycled 30 miles on Tuesday
Me: wow - that’s amazing. Any particular reason?

No reply.

Week later

Me:

etc etc

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2021 19:21

You need to contact them less.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:21

I miss manners. Sad

OP posts:
Dawnlassie · 15/01/2021 19:22

If its a man then it makes even more sense. Sometimes they can go almost a week before carrying on with a conversation. Then start up as if nothing happened.
Not a big deal.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:22

@AnneLovesGilbert

You need to contact them less.
Oh, I will.

They can rant about everything bothering them to someone else from now on.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 15/01/2021 19:23

It sounds off putting but if I'm honest , I don't immediately reply to messages , however I'd usually answer a question within a day.
Before the days of mobiles I wouldn't phone anyone more than once a week or more.
Instant communication seems to demand instant answers . I don't prescribe to that.
You seem over interested in your friend's online activities in that you notice that she hasn't read or responded to your text but you've noticed that she is online.
Maybe try to place less importance to social media.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/01/2021 19:23

ignore and move on - wouldn't bother with the F off reply TBH

If she reengages, keep it more low key?
You don't say if she lives alone or with family - if it's the latter, twattish behaviour, but she may be feeling isolated/down, despite the FB posts.

MustardMitt · 15/01/2021 19:24

This would piss me off too @DicklessWonder and I would feel the same. I just wouldn't bother responding and would probably mute the whatsapp group for a week. I always feel so much lighter when I do that with someone particularly annoying.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:25

@1Morewineplease

It sounds off putting but if I'm honest , I don't immediately reply to messages , however I'd usually answer a question within a day. Before the days of mobiles I wouldn't phone anyone more than once a week or more. Instant communication seems to demand instant answers . I don't prescribe to that. You seem over interested in your friend's online activities in that you notice that she hasn't read or responded to your text but you've noticed that she is online. Maybe try to place less importance to social media.
Sadly social media has replaced actual contact for now. It’s pretty much my only connection with friends near and far right now. Sad
OP posts:
CoolCovidCat · 15/01/2021 19:25

If you always initiate and they always trail off then I'd assume they're not that bothered about the friendship.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:27

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

ignore and move on - wouldn't bother with the F off reply TBH

If she reengages, keep it more low key?
You don't say if she lives alone or with family - if it's the latter, twattish behaviour, but she may be feeling isolated/down, despite the FB posts.

They live alone a prone to depression. Maybe that’s another reason I try to keep the chat going, because I don’t want them to feel completely isolated. Bubbles here are really limited and they have very little contact with others during the week.
OP posts:
rumandbiscuits · 15/01/2021 19:27

I quite often take a while to respond to messages, especially if they are long ones. I like to give them as much detail and time as my friend has when writing them and therefore need to be in the right frame of mind. I find when I am having down weeks (which has been regularly quite recently) I find it difficult to pick up my phone a respond to somebody. A few of my friends take about a week to respond to me as well (and still post on SM) I really don't take any offence to it and would be a hypocrite if I did. Maybe the reason your friend hasn't responded to you this time is that she is now the one annoyed with you for being angry at her when IMO she hasn't done anything wrong. If I was her I would respond though to defend myself but everyone is different. She might genuinely be finding life tough atm.

Confusedandshaken · 15/01/2021 19:28

I think the first line of your post nails it OP. You are currently low on patience. Just leave it and let her initiate conversation. Or not.

Still1nLove · 15/01/2021 19:30

Usually I will text “did you get your car sorted”, what was that book/film you were telling me about”, either during our next text exchange, or whenever I remembered, or as a starter to another text conversation.

My friends and I have been known to send a “???????” or “where did you go”. If we feel the conversation was left hanging. Not always though

I do find that my Dh is awful at replying to texts or WhatsApp, he doesn’t see them as real conversation

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 19:30

First I have to ask wtf you're about bringing up gender and then saying "I don't think sex is relevant to manners".

Why bring it up then?! Confused

It's less to do with manners and more to do with how people view messaging differently. To me, messaging is less stringent. Can dip in and out. Sometimes I have time to continue a conversation, sometimes I don't. Same goes for my friends.

Most of my friendships are being conducted online at the moment as are everyone's and I much prefer text chats. If people don't respond, I don't choose to perceive it as a slight.

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than have a once a week scheduled phone call or a dreaded fucking zoom call with all that forced bonhomie.

It's just different strokes for different folks.

And if they didn't respond when you had a go - have they fallen out with you?!

MaeveDidIt · 15/01/2021 19:31

YANBU
It's bad manners.
Just don't bother - she obviously can't be arsed or is very flaky.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/01/2021 19:32

Online chats aren't like "live chats", be it on the phone or in person, or even these days in FT or Zoom. It's more like leaving an email I think. You don't need an instant response and fine to come back to it at your convenience or even do without the social niceties of the "hanging up". If you do want that kind of setup then you need to have a phone conversation instead or a Zoom call.

Original poster
DicklessWonder · 15/01/2021 19:33

i quite often take a while to respond to messages, especially if they are long ones. I like to give them as much detail and time as my friend has when writing them and therefore need to be in the right frame of mind.

Have given some examples of the chat. It’s not exactly war and peace.

OP posts: