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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
Original poster
muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:58

Forgot to add DH cant donate as he is the wrong blood group plus he has a rare autoimmune disease that excludes him from transplant.

OP posts:
Terracottasaur · 15/01/2021 14:00

Fucking hell, YANBU. If there is one thing you have absolute control over it’s your own organs, and it’s absolutely not right that you be pressured in this way.

I understand that your MIL is distraught and trying to find a solution but she is being completely unreasonable. Could your DH have a conversation with her and tell her to back off?

moita · 15/01/2021 14:02

YANBU. I'd be unwilling to donate to someone who isn't helping themselves and I want close to.

user184628462 · 15/01/2021 14:04

If anything, the transplant team would do the opposite of trying to talk you into it. Coerced (I.e. pressured, not necessarily "forced" ) consent is not legally valid. They only want informed, capacitous, freely consenting donors who are both a physical match and mentally up to what live donation involves.

And as I understand it they would just tell MIL/FIL you weren't a suitable match - not that you weren't a match because you'd declined to be tested etc.

However, you are completely within your rights to flat out say no. It is your body, people don't get to try and call dibs on your organs.

littlepattilou · 15/01/2021 14:04

Nah fuck that. I wouldn't give a kidney to ANYONE except my daughter. Nope. No-one. And no, I wouldn't take one either.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/01/2021 14:05

Absolutely YANBU at all! Don't you dare let them bully you into this and thank god your DH isn't compatible and your DC are too young or she'd be hounding them too by the sounds of it. Pointless when he's still drinking and effectively killing himself with his behaviour. Your stance of looking out for your own kids is perfectly acceptable and that should be the end of it. Block her on FB and tell her why if it comes to it. She's obviously and understandably desperate to save her DH but she's chosen the wrong way to go about it and needs to back off. be strong!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 14:05

First of all, you need to block your MIL from your phone, email and social media immediately. She is harassing you to an outrageous degree and you simply can't allow this to continue. You need to go NC and let your husband deal with her.

As for your husband, you need to have a talk and tell him you will not be doing anything regarding organ donation, and from this day forward, the discussion is over.

You've got to draw a very hard line here, op. Put an end to this emotional terrorism.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 15/01/2021 14:05

YANBU.

No means no. Please block her on FB.

GreenlandTheMovie · 15/01/2021 14:06

No. Absolutely not. I would block her and cut contact til she stops this. Doesn't your DH tell her not to do this? Its beyond sensitive.

And FIL shouldn't be thinking about taking anyone else's kidney if he lives an unhealthy lifestyle.

Its so risky for donors. Not just the operation, but living without one of your kidneys afterwards. I'm perfectly healthy, but like many people, once developed a bad kidney stone which landed me in hospital with kidney failure. I was really, really ill but fortunately recovered quickly. But imagine if you were older or slightly less well and got a kidney stone - you could so easily go into full organ failure or develop sepsis.

What incredibly selfish inlaws you have. They are in their sixties too and had a near full lifetime!

TheDaydreamBelievers · 15/01/2021 14:07

So firstly ofc YANBU. Donating a kidney is huge and personally theres a v small list of people I'd do it for (also totally happy to donate anything at all once dead).

Is your DH 100% on your side and understanding your position?

Personally I'd block her on facebook. When she asks why plainly say "I have told you I cannot donate a kidney and you are pressuring me to do so".

I'm afraid you're going to have to grey rock it, and she wont like it, but you are 100% right to.
"Your DC need a grandpa" "my DC love FIL and we hope he improves but I wont donate a kidney"
"You're the same blood type" "I'm aware. I cannot donate. I hope you find a suitable donor for FIL"

I'd generally avoid giving her reasons, shes never gonna think they are good enough. Flat no and BOUNDARIES with a capital B. Much easier if DH is behind you.

littlepattilou · 15/01/2021 14:07

@muffinsinabox I have to ask though, how on EARTH did your MIL find out what blood group you are? Confused

No-one knows mine, except me. (And the GP!) Even my DH and DD wouldn't know it if you asked.

How did she find out?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/01/2021 14:07

Block her on FB for a start and if she asks why then tell her the truth. I wouldn't even be keeping contact for the sake of the kids if she kept on hounding me

Wingedharpy · 15/01/2021 14:08

Can't you block people on Facebook? - genuine question, I'm old and have no idea.

I have a relative who has been dialysing for over 20 years so the fact your FIL is on dialysis does not mean that the end is nigh.

TheyCallMeTheWildRosey · 15/01/2021 14:08

I have never blocked anyone in my life and usually roll my eyes at the chorus of blockers........BUT you need to unfriend, unfollow and block on everything. And don't answer her phone calls and leave your DH to deal with her!

PinkSnowAndStars · 15/01/2021 14:09

Is your DH backing you up?!

And no. Don’t do it. Your own health needs to come first

Clarice99 · 15/01/2021 14:09

YANBU. We have the right to choose to be a living donor (and a dead one!) and that should not entail being pressured. Your MIL needs to back off.

In your shoes I wouldn't be asking my DH to intervene. I am assertive enough to say NO and know the subject would not be broached again.

But, we're all different so you have to do what works for you to get her to back off. Do not bow down to her pushiness and/or emotional blackmail.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/01/2021 14:10

Wow this is extreme. There’s being pressurised to do stuff for others, then there’s people eyeing up your organs...

Veterinari · 15/01/2021 14:11

The transplant team would absolutely be on your side.

My advice would be to ring them and explain the situation. They'll be able to tell your Mil that medically you're not suitable as a donor, and stop any blame/falling out

katy1213 · 15/01/2021 14:11

Block her. There's no shame in saying your kidneys are your own and they're staying that way.
FWIW I know someone who donated to her sister. She was taken aside by the medics and told that if she changed her mind, even at the last minute, they'd make up some excuse about her being unsuitable so she wouldn't have to tell her family if she didn't want to.

titchy · 15/01/2021 14:12

I'd be tempted to post 'the dcs need a healthy and happy mother far more than they need a grandfather. My priority and responsibility is to them, not fil. If you continue to harass me like this I will have no choice but to block you from our lives.'

CMOTDibbler · 15/01/2021 14:13

The easiest route is to go and talk to the transplant team - as pp said, they literally try and talk you out of it, and you only have to say no once and thats it, they will tell everyone that you weren't compatible. Then MIL will leave you alone, you look good, and its a total 'end of' situation

Coldilox · 15/01/2021 14:13

I’m not saying you should have to do this, but....

If you wanted to get her off your back, you could agree to talk to the transplant team. Everything you say to them is confidential. They will in no way try to talk you into something you don’t want to do. Tell them you don’t want to do it, but that MIL is putting immense pressure on you. All MIL will know is that you have been to speak to them, you can then tell her you’re not a match.

Not that I think you should bow down to her pressure but it least it would shut her up.

BreakfastClub80 · 15/01/2021 14:14

YANBU! Good grief!
Especially without knowing why your FIL needed a new kidney in the first place....what happens if one of your children ever need one? I’m all for transplant but I think live donation requires a lot of consideration. The transplant team would go through all this with you but you don’t have to engage at all if you don’t want to.
I don’t know whether it is best if you just block her on FB, and make sure she knows why! Blackmail is pathetic, there are plenty of kids without grandparents (including my own).

ajandjjmum · 15/01/2021 14:14

[quote littlepattilou]@muffinsinabox I have to ask though, how on EARTH did your MIL find out what blood group you are? Confused

No-one knows mine, except me. (And the GP!) Even my DH and DD wouldn't know it if you asked.

How did she find out?[/quote]
That's what I was wondering.

You are absolutely right OP - and the way that she is behaving doesn't put her in a good light.

Floralnomad · 15/01/2021 14:16

Block her on all social media and stop having anything to do with her . You say your husband is low contact and you keep in touch for the children , but what do these people actually bring to your children’s lives ?