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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
Tiredmum122 · 31/08/2021 10:41

@Veterinari

The transplant team would absolutely be on your side.

My advice would be to ring them and explain the situation. They'll be able to tell your Mil that medically you're not suitable as a donor, and stop any blame/falling out

Exactly this! You will be seen to have been proactive and Mil will not be told the details. It may also be worth asking if there is anything genetic which has caused the problem and might be an issue for your children. It is slightly odd that MIL has not told you why FIL needed the first transplant. It is worth making sure there is nothing else you need to know. To be honest, although your MIL is behaving terribly she is clearly desperate to prolong her husband's life and he is basically dying in front of her. She is entirely wrong to harass you in this way but she is doing it for her husband. Act to stop it, but try to find it in your heart to forgive her.She is clearly desperate.
Singinghollybob · 31/08/2021 11:16

@Tiredmum122 please read the update

Singinghollybob · 31/08/2021 11:18

@ivykaty44 can people please at least read the OPs posts before responding

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/08/2021 11:38

This is easily resolved. Speak to the donation team and tell them you don't want to donate. They will tell MIL that you aren't a suitable donor. And that will be the end of it. The donation team are on your side and will protect you. You won't have to have a single test but MIL will never know that.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 31/08/2021 11:50

Apologies - for some reason the post about FIL passing away didn't show on my phone so I have given advice where it wasn't needed.

Regardless of the situation, losing a family member is difficult and it also sounds like MIL is continuing to aim her anger at OP.

Sending love to you OP and your DH at a very difficult time. Thanks

Chickychickydodah · 31/08/2021 12:12

Block her on everything and report her to Facebook

SunshineCake · 31/08/2021 12:35

No grandparents are better than crap ones ime.

SunshineCake · 31/08/2021 12:40

So sorry, to have posted without seeing your update. I hope you do find peace and the children and your dh aren't struggling.

whynotwhatknot · 31/08/2021 12:44

sorry bout your fil op.,however i dont agree,everyone should see a grandparent not if they're toxic

mygenericusername · 31/08/2021 12:58

You made the right decision OP.

From your post he seems to have fucked his life away and the opportunity he was given through drink.

With two young children at home and a husband with an auto immune disease she would have been given a flat no by me as well.

User112 · 31/08/2021 13:14

Op! Is this real!! What the fuck? What the actual FUCK!!

You don’t want to give your kidney. Period. Why are you even justifying? Even if you were single, childless, young/old/whatever, YOU DONT HAVE TO GIVE YOUR KIDNEY!

She is trying to convince you or put pressure because you are being nice and justifying things! Make is NON NEGOTIABLE. Or just push DH under the bus saying he doesn’t want you to do it.
Your MILs cheek is just unbelievable!!

phishy · 31/08/2021 13:18

@User112 RTFT. And don’t ask people ‘is this real’. Report it if you don’t think it’s real.

JacquelineCarlyle · 31/08/2021 13:18

Please read the Op's posts @User112 - the FIL is now dead.

Samafe · 31/08/2021 14:06

Wtf!!!! YADNBU!!!

Is she crazy???? Why is she putting you through this crap?

I would give a kidney to my MIL because I absolutely love her, she is like a mom to me and loosing her would devastate me, but first of all she would NEVER ask for it and second, it would be totally my choice.

What she is doing to you is so so so wrong on so many levels, I cannot even properly comment.

Samafe · 31/08/2021 14:07

So sorry, I just read the latest Update. Sending good wishes and sorry for my unneded opinion Flowers

SunshineCake · 31/08/2021 16:20

@phishy

Sorry he died but glad you didn’t donate.

DH even remotely cross is when dcat3 was a kitten and she used him as a climbing frame to get to a high up shelf

She stepped on a cat? She’s evil.

I think the cat used the dh to climb up...
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