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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
Ishoos · 15/01/2021 15:27

Not sure if anyone’s mentioned this but if you don’t want to block her on Facebook you can change settings so you review anything she tags you in and then can reject the tags if you like. Absolutely you are right to say no.

Imaginetoday · 15/01/2021 15:28

I’m surprised that transplant teams would even countenance taking a live donor kidney from someone a generation younger than the recipient?
I can understand older donor younger recipient (parents/grandparents to their kids/grandkids) or roughly same age (siblings).
This just seems unethical as a live donation...anyone think of examples where it wouldn’t be? Even a child to parent would worry me at any ages.

Wingedharpy · 15/01/2021 15:28

Please don't waste the time of the transplant team by having a conversation about something you have no intention of doing.
Block her on Facebook - job done.

MatildaTheCat · 15/01/2021 15:28

Perhaps your DH could ask her for the contact details of the transplant team and then could email them outlining the situation. No doubt they would be horrified. They can then tell her categorically that you are unsuitable. They might also be able to ask her to leave the search to the professionals. Having the same blood group is a tip of a large iceberg when matching organs.

I would accept that she is panicking and scared but you say she’s a piece of work and she’s still behaving outrageously. Obviously also Block her posts from your FB page. Perhaps your DH could write a PA reply first. ‘DM, as we have explained @muffinsinabox is heartbroken that she cannot be the donor but no use to keep hoping this will change as it cannot.’

Original poster
muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 15:29

@Santaiscovidfree you've pretty much described the whole situation.

I think DH and I need to sit down and have a serious talk tonight minus little people and their big ears. Along the lines of both of us presenting a united front to MIl and giving her an ultimation. Either she packs it in absolutely and totally or we will go absolutely NC with her. She's such a battle axe though I can imagine her response already. Although I really dont agree with the way she is going about it, her and FIL have been married many, many years and I can imagine she doesnt want to lose him. I think she sees transplant as a miracle cure that I am going to provide no, no and no again I.e. new kidney and FIL gets his life back again.

OP posts:
HelloThereMeHearties · 15/01/2021 15:29

@CuriousaboutSamphire

It is not the transplant team's job to sort out family differences. But they do this as part of their role, every day! It is part of the screening process, as someone who used to be a coordinator has already said!
Yes, once the screening process starts. OP is not going to do it, so why drag the team in. They're busy.
AcornAutumn · 15/01/2021 15:29

As well as what's been said, remove her from your social media.

Your DC should be kept away from her, not encouraged to mix with her!

ShizeItsWeegie · 15/01/2021 15:31

I agree with PP. My DH is about to start the work up towards donation. MIL could go in for the 'altruistic triangle' of paired matching donors.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/01/2021 15:32

@HelloThereMeHearties I posted too soon and added a post explaining why The coordinator might be under the impression that OP will donate! It could be usful information for them too!

Either way... OP has said she doesn't want to contact them, if indeed FIL has one, and is going to deal with it head on. Which is probably the best thing to do.

Littleposh · 15/01/2021 15:32

You honestly need to block her

SeaToSki · 15/01/2021 15:32

I know you shouldnt have to, but would it be worth inventing that you have some nasty disease that disqualifies you? Or just say that all the pressure she is putting on you has raised your blood pressure so much that you no longer can qualify as a living donor!

Newyearsameoldshite · 15/01/2021 15:32

@Imaginetoday usually we try to age match organ to recipient because an older kidney is likely to last fewer years than a younger one. You don't want to either waste good kidney years by giving it to someone who might die of old age before their kidney fails, or give one with only 5-10 years in it to a child/young adult who will then require more further transplants in the future. But child to parent does happen if there are no other options. I'd definitely give my mum a kidney once I'd finished having kids.

MartiniDry · 15/01/2021 15:35

If you tell MIL that you're not able to donate according to the medics you're simply giving her a green light to behave similarly to you or your children in the future. She will have learned nothing.

A flat out 'no' with 2 choices is needed. Either she stops hounding you now and never raises the subject again or you'll longer have any contact with her. And mean it. Now means now and never again doesn't mean start up again in 3 weeks time. Her choice.

Alternatively, just go NC and avoid your children being put through similar harassment for whatever MIL wants in future years. Any grandparent isn't always better than no grandparents. From where I'm standing the answer to your problem is obvious.

imalmosthere · 15/01/2021 15:35

I mean - he isn't even looking after the kidney he was given 10 years ago, therefore probably won't look after The next one.
You are being so far from unreasonable - honestly you're a saint for still putting up with her!
Block her Facebook for sure, and then have the convo with DH about the NC ultimatum.
I'm gobsmacked and I'm sorry this is so stressful for you, at a time when the world is just a massive ball of stress as it is!

SandysMam · 15/01/2021 15:35

It might also be good to let the transplant team know how much he abuses his body. Mother in law might be attending appointments and covering up this fact. Self care is a factor in suitability for a transplant and if he is not keeping his side of the bargain they might not put him on the list again.

Imaginetoday · 15/01/2021 15:35

@2bazookas

The best thing your MIL can do to help FIL, is ensure he is fit for surgery.His diet/nutrition, alcohol intake and smoking will all show up in preliminary testing, to his disadvantage. Organs are in even shorter supply during covid, and they won't be wasted on a recipient who can't be bothered to adjust their lifestyle before or after . 
 The pressure on you is outrageous. In your position, I would obtain  contact details of his medical advisor and  send  them a written  letter to the effect of " Under no circumstances will I ,  Muffin Box  donate a kidney for your patient Jim Box. so please ignore any  suggestions to the contrary from his wife  Bitch Box" .  Copy to DH and ask him to show it to his mother, because you're going NC with her.</div></div>

Why is it the MIL job to do that. Fil is not a child but 60 year old bloke who has diced with death once before and now not following medical advice in his interest.
Let’s stop mothering grown men or implying that is wife work

butterry · 15/01/2021 15:36

You and your DH don't benefit from having contact with them. They sound toxic to be around and the very fact that you have loved not seeing them for the past year says it all.

Children don't need their grandparents, they need people who contribute positively to their lives and I wouldn't want my children to be around people like your inlaws. Who knows what terrible things they would say - your mummy let your grandfather die because she's selfish?

It's your body, your choice, don't feel bullied into a donation because there's a family tie. Family aren't always good people as she's so obviously shown you.

Wingedharpy · 15/01/2021 15:36

FIL has his life - albeit, that it involves dialysis.
Yes, that makes it restricted but, as with anything, life is what you make it.

cardswapping · 15/01/2021 15:36

Sympathies, the whole family dynamic and the pressure on being a live donor sound awful. I am sorry for FIL and MIL but you are not the solution.

Sounds like you have clear boundaries. Stick to them. I would get off FB for a while if it helps.

HavelockVetinari · 15/01/2021 15:37

You should suggest that MIL investigates paired donation - basically, people who don't have a willing match among their own friends and family go on a register with one of their friends/family members that IS prepared to donate. They then find matches between the sets, so that MIL could donate her kidney to a stranger so that the stranger's friend can donate one to FIL.

HelloThereMeHearties · 15/01/2021 15:39

@SandysMam

It might also be good to let the transplant team know how much he abuses his body. Mother in law might be attending appointments and covering up this fact. Self care is a factor in suitability for a transplant and if he is not keeping his side of the bargain they might not put him on the list again.
Whoa whoa whoa! Stepping waaaaay beyond reasonable bounds there!
HelloThereMeHearties · 15/01/2021 15:40

And I'm fairly certain that the transplant team/doctor will be able to ascertain FIL's health/suitability on their own...

MzHz · 15/01/2021 15:40

@butterry

You and your DH don't benefit from having contact with them. They sound toxic to be around and the very fact that you have loved not seeing them for the past year says it all.

Children don't need their grandparents, they need people who contribute positively to their lives and I wouldn't want my children to be around people like your inlaws. Who knows what terrible things they would say - your mummy let your grandfather die because she's selfish?

It's your body, your choice, don't feel bullied into a donation because there's a family tie. Family aren't always good people as she's so obviously shown you.

This! Over and over and over again!
Perching · 15/01/2021 15:41

YANBU
I didn't read past the first few replies. When I did my ICU rotation we lost a patient who was a live donor for a relative. She contracted sepsis post op. This is never risk free. You should set them both straight clearly and succinctly and then disengage. Good luck x

Imaginetoday · 15/01/2021 15:41

[quote Newyearsameoldshite]@Imaginetoday usually we try to age match organ to recipient because an older kidney is likely to last fewer years than a younger one. You don't want to either waste good kidney years by giving it to someone who might die of old age before their kidney fails, or give one with only 5-10 years in it to a child/young adult who will then require more further transplants in the future. But child to parent does happen if there are no other options. I'd definitely give my mum a kidney once I'd finished having kids. [/quote]
Thanks for explaining and that makes sense