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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 31/08/2021 03:27

YANBU. I would do it in a heartbeat for my kids....my FIL... not a chance.

JustKittenAround · 31/08/2021 03:30

@Gingernaut

I'm sorry to hear about your news, OP. 🌺

Your MIL sounds absolutely poisonous and I agree with a previous poster about her behaviour.

Hiding the alcoholism, whilst enabling it and pressuring you to donate?

Fuck that. You did the right thing resisting the pressure and it looks like your DH has your back too.

I don't envy the looks you're going to get at the funeral. Stay strong

If you attend the funeral it may or may not be some looks of which I believe Gingernaut is correct… your MIL is malignant and will likely flim flam and slacked jaw try to blame anyone and you for what is nature. (The disease and so forth)

I probably wouldn’t go but I’m the type to not go to things I would feel I didn’t want to attend. I think the majority here would inconvenience themselves. Still wouldn’t.

If you go, Remember that first and foremost if you wanted to donate blood type isn’t enough, and the fact is… you didn’t. That’s ok. It’s not up to you to give your body over to these people. I mean, they ought to be grateful you have given them grandchildren (yes I said it!)

I swear if anyone has a cross word with you, you should grab them by the hands and tearfully pull them aside and say that you in fact need a kidney. Could they possibly… maybe…. Hopefully…. Given their views… try to see if they can donate?

These freaking hypocrites!!!

1forAll74 · 31/08/2021 03:34

Your MIL has no right at all doing this., putting things on FB for you to read is downright awful.. Does her Husband know what she is up to ?

JustKittenAround · 31/08/2021 03:45

@1forAll74

Your MIL has no right at all doing this., putting things on FB for you to read is downright awful.. Does her Husband know what she is up to ?
I think he does as he has seemed very on her side about these matters.

So correct in that the MIL has no right.

I wouldn’t block a her as I suspect she is a narc. I’d be as if nothing caused you upset. They love fuel

At the end of the day it is so reasonable to not have wanted to cut a vital piece of you out for someone that you didn’t want to do so for

One would think as grandparents they’d want their grandchildren to have the best moving forward.

I should hope they would. She may grieve but the spotlight isn’t on you. It’s on their own situation independent on you breathing

Also horrible she looked at your records. How weird

JustKittenAround · 31/08/2021 03:48

Crap. I replied as if you were caught up. The FIL has passed away.

OP decided to choose her own survival and being there for her children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 05:04

YANBU at all.

Just because you are the same blood group doesn't mean you are an appropriate donor.

But aside of all that, NO ONE should be coerced into giving up an organ for ANYONE else, regardless of how well you get on! It's just adding insult upon insult when you don't even like them or get on well with them.

That would be a straight No, Not A Chance, Never Happening.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 05:05

Dammit, bloody zombie, didn't notice, my mistake, Sorry!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2021 05:07

@muffinsinabox

Just an update to this:

FIL died last week. No he didn't get my kidney, no he didn't get a kidney transplant full stop. Yes it's sad that he has become a statistic and one of those people who have died while waiting for a transplant. It wasn't actually his kidney disease that was the main cause of death though.
But it turns out that his drinking was much, much more than anyone imagined. Apart from MIL who was buying the alcohol in the first place. I believe cirrotic liver disease was the primary cause of death but we haven't seen the death certificate so are not sure.

MIL toned down the pressure about live kidney donation after DH told her quite frankly that if she didn't shut up DH would make damned sure that she would never speak to or hear from us as a family again. It wouldn't surprise me if she starts up again, but this time with the rhetoric that I killed FIL because I wouldn't donate. DH can handle that though as he is more than capable of dealing with his mother. Like I have said before, DH doesn't really do cross, but he has this was of getting his point across that means business.

Am I relieved that FIL is no longer here? Yes because he is no longer suffering. Am I sad that he has died? Good question and one I am not entirely sure where I stand.

Again, can I say a huge thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread with their experiences and observations. It was definitely food for thought.

Sorry, not zombie, updated.

I'm glad you stuck to your guns, I'm glad your DH had and still has your back.

I'm not entirely sorry that your FIL has gone because he was probably suffering with his illness, however self-inflicted it may or may not have been. I hope your MIL has people she hasn't alienated around her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2021 06:19

You absolutely did the correct thing for you and your family. We were all behind you when your mil brought this up. Even if you had agreed and been deemed a suitable donor, it’s unlikely you and he would have had the surgery. Services are so behind due to the pandemic.

I hope you don’t receive any backlash from your dh’s family for prioritising your family and your health over those of an alcoholic.

And people could you not just do a see all of op’s posts before posting? It must be very disheartening to wade through them under the circumstances.

phishy · 31/08/2021 06:22

Sorry he died but glad you didn’t donate.

DH even remotely cross is when dcat3 was a kitten and she used him as a climbing frame to get to a high up shelf

She stepped on a cat? She’s evil.

TodayImostlyhaveaverucca · 31/08/2021 06:45

@phishy

Sorry he died but glad you didn’t donate.

DH even remotely cross is when dcat3 was a kitten and she used him as a climbing frame to get to a high up shelf

She stepped on a cat? She’s evil.

Although she sounds extremely difficult, MIL didn’t step on a cat. The cat climbed op’s lovely DH.
phishy · 31/08/2021 06:46

Ah sorry, was bleary-eyed from lack of sleep 😂

ivykaty44 · 31/08/2021 06:50

deactivate your facebook account

or attack with

your asking a mother with two young children to put her life on the line and leave them without a mother

or both

godmum56 · 31/08/2021 07:32

@Imaginetoday

I’m surprised that transplant teams would even countenance taking a live donor kidney from someone a generation younger than the recipient? I can understand older donor younger recipient (parents/grandparents to their kids/grandkids) or roughly same age (siblings). This just seems unethical as a live donation...anyone think of examples where it wouldn’t be? Even a child to parent would worry me at any ages.
because its not within their decision. if the donor is absolutely and clearly willing, then they cannot refuse. Some amazing people even live donate blindly not knowing who will get their kidney.
MrsLangOnionsMcWeetabix · 31/08/2021 07:40

Be gentle with yourself muffins, it’s a lot to process. A relative of mine on DH’s side who I thoroughly disliked died recently and it’s a strange kind of grief which I hadn’t expected at all.

HosannainExcelSheets · 31/08/2021 07:40

If it would keep MIL happy, go see the transplant team and show them your OP. There is no way anything would go further because you don't want to do it. End of.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 31/08/2021 07:43

i am so sorry to read your update
you did the right thing.
best wishes

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/08/2021 07:58

It sounds like you need a firm but diplomatic response at the funeral if anyone brings it up. Afterwards, time to reinforce the boundaries with MIL. She’ll have a big hole in her life that you are not able to fill.

SleepyMathematician · 31/08/2021 08:11

Sorry to read your update and agree you must have very mixed feelings.

I’m glad your DH is so good at handling stuff as he may need it. However, I’d remember that grief does strange things to people and whilst I’d be very firm in your DH’s shoes, I wouldn’t be cutting her off as some people suggest. She will have been initially asking out of utter desperation and will have mixed feelings, and guilt, herself, if she’s been buying him alcohol. Hopefully she will come through all this and see things more clearly in later years.

Jemand · 31/08/2021 08:19

I strongly suspect that, if a transplant had become possible, your FIL wouldn't have got it because the liver function tests would have been crap. I must say, if she goes on about you killing FIl I would be seriously tempted to point out that the person who kept buying him alcohol had more responsibility for his death.

3GreenPullups · 31/08/2021 08:42

@cookingisoverrated

I can completely understand your mixed feelings now that he's passed, OP. Frankly, it sounds like he was never going to be eligible for another kidney without a live donor who wanted him to have it due to his heavy drinking. And he would have wasted another one.

This is entirely on him. I'm glad your husband has your back 100% on this and shuts down and future noises from MIL.

I agree with this. I am sorry for all the pain around this and can only hope that your MIL cops onto herself. Thanks
canary1 · 31/08/2021 09:13

So glad to hear that you didn’t get coerced into doing this. It’s unbelievable that it was even asked, in my opinion. We should have ownership of our own bodies without anyone wanting a piece! I had a situation whereby a close family member wanted be to be a surrogate for another family member. Asked quite a few times. I’m so disgusted they tried to pressure me, my relationship with them has never been the same.

billy1966 · 31/08/2021 09:35

OP,
What a tough time you have had.

Going back to a comment @AnneLovesGilbert made on page 1.. I would really follow your husband's lead.

Your children do not need a Grandmother that is such utter poison.

I think you need to respect your husband and not think you know better than him regarding HIS family.

Be very careful how you proceed.
LC will be better all round.
Flowers

LookItsMeAgain · 31/08/2021 10:25

Folks - can you please read the thread or at the very very least, read the posts by the OP before posting your opinions. There has been an update. The OP's FiL has passed away. It appears that it wasn't from kidney failure but liver failure.

@muffinsinabox - I'm sorry for your loss.

If your MiL starts up with the comments about how a kidney failure would have saved him, you have a quiet word in her ear and say that she enabled his drinking and it was the drink that did him in due to liver failure, not kidney failure. Perhaps if she hadn't been so quick to provide him with his latest tipple, he might have lived longer but as he was already on his 3rd kidney transplant, he wasn't going to be high up on the list of candidates for a 4th due to his diet and lifestyle choices.

Also, just because you happen to have the same blood type as someone else doesn't mean that you are automatically a good candidate for a transplant for that person. There are loads of tests that have to be carried out before someone can be a suitable transplant candidate and even if you were considered a 'perfect match' there is just as much chance that the recipient would reject the organ as not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2021 10:28

@Jemand

I strongly suspect that, if a transplant had become possible, your FIL wouldn't have got it because the liver function tests would have been crap. I must say, if she goes on about you killing FIl I would be seriously tempted to point out that the person who kept buying him alcohol had more responsibility for his death.
I’d also be tempted but wouldn’t want to get into a slanging match.