MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

[muffinsinabox]

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

As for MIL and me being friends on facebook, that kind of has to happen. She's got form for posting full face pictures of our DC on facebook

Well she can only be getting those pictures from you? .

Stop sending her pictures, block her on Facebook. Job done.

Just block her and be done with it.
Let your DH step up and deal with the fall out.

How will he even get a new kidney if he distroyed two through lifestyle?

The NHS doesnt just hand out lifesaving organs and surgery to irrasponsable people so even if they found a live donor would the NHS really do the surgery?
(this is assuming they arent rich enough to be doing this all privately)

Organ donation is a very personal thing, even after death, but living donation even more.

Personally I am always incredibly uncomfortable with these posts on social media stating that “x needs a heart/lungs/kidneys and please consider putting your name on the organ donor list,” and that’s before we talk about people being expected to donate organs while they’re still alive.

I personally know someone who is currently going through the testing process for a live donation from a friend. She was tested two years ago but because of a hospital stay and then COVID all the tests have had to start again from scratch. This friend wanted to do it, the person would never have asked anyone to. Not ever.

Live donation carries risks of its own in fact the surgery to remove a kidney is more involved than the surgery to put one in, as the original kidney isn’t actually removed - the new one is just placed in the abdomen in the right position.

Like a PP I wouldn’t be expecting DH to back me up. I would tell her very firmly no, and that the discussion ends here.

FWIW I am going to need a heart transplant, so I know all too well what it’s like to know that without a donor I will die. I am currently reasonably well so not on the list yet, but some of my blood results are starting to look questionable so I know I’m on borrowed time. But even with that in mind, the idea that someone’s organs could be taken against their wishes in order for me to live is something I couldn’t contemplate. I already find it hard enough to think that when the time comes I will be waiting for the news to come in that the right person has died so that I can essentially benefit from their loss.

If it was an organ which could be donated by a living donor there is no way i would even discuss the possibility with any of my family, in fact the idea that one of them would do it still doesn’t sit well with me.

Christ this is the stuff of nightmares!

" MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her."

If you don't want anything to do with her, why are you inflicting her on your children? I know the usual reason is 'I want them to have a relationship with their grandparents', but truly - some grandparents behaviour merits the children being kept away from them to keep the children safe.

"blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff)"
Perfect example of why your children should be kept safe from her. She is not considering what your children would do without THEIR MOTHER - all surgery carries risk, and a kidney being cut from your body is major , major surgery.

Your husband keeps his distance from her, it is time for you and the children to do the same.

WTAF?! This is a whole new level of CF. I wouldn’t even slightly engage with this at all. I would just decline; don’t explain or justify. It’s way out of order even without the backstory. Let’s be realistic where is he getting his 3rd one from?!

Your MIL can have her first from me

This is absolute MADNESS.

Block her from absolutely every single thing.

This makes me so sad OP, I need a kidney and if I was lucky enough to get one I would be so grateful and do everything I could to keep it healthy.

Please don’t even worry about it. Get the number of the team, speak to someone and say you feel family pressure. They will not disclose this and will help you come up with a reason why you can’t donate. This will put an end to it if you feel you can’t just say no. Don’t even give it another thought.
The process is so thorough and they will never take a kidney unless it is the right thing for the donor so please don’t worry about anyone getting pressured into it.

For anyone reading, please don’t let this selfish man put you off being a donor, most of us utterly utterly treasure the gift of life!!

I can't believe that some people think the op should just bend over and talk to the transplant team. Fuck that to the moon and back. The op has said NO. No is a complete sentence and the op has every right to refuse. Like hell she should give in to her MIL's bullying.

OP actually has this woman as her MIL.

FIL is her husband's DF

It feel really different when the issue is your own real life.

Transplant coordinators are used to such talks and will not bat an eyelid.

OP needs to find a way to diffuse the whole situation, a way she feels comfortable with, and discussing it with the transplant coordinator is one way

DH has already totally and explicitly told his mother that I wont be donating and that's that so please leave us alone. She doesnt seem to have listened to that though. FB seems to be her main mouthpiece at the moment after DH told her to shut up and go away around October last year.

Photos she has posted in the past are of DC when they were younger. She doesnt get any from me and there would be absolutely no way whatsoever I would send her any. In a twisted way, even though MIL is a complete cow I sort of think every now and then that the DC need to know at least one of their 4 grandparents. My father fucked off when I was 6 years old and my mum died in my late teens.

I think you should speak to the team. They deal with this all the time and will be able to deal with MIL without giving a specific reason you can't donate.

My kidney would only be going to my children or grandchildren, no one else.

@Coldilox

I’m not saying you should have to do this, but....

If you wanted to get her off your back, you could agree to talk to the transplant team. Everything you say to them is confidential. They will in no way try to talk you into something you don’t want to do. Tell them you don’t want to do it, but that MIL is putting immense pressure on you. All MIL will know is that you have been to speak to them, you can then tell her you’re not a match.

Not that I think you should bow down to her pressure but it least it would shut her up.

This is good advice. I used to be a Living Donor Coordinator and work with potential donors to take them through the assessment stages before donation. If there was any question at all that a potential donor was being coerced in any way it was an automatic decline. Even if this wasn't explicitly said, both parties have to undergo psychological assessment to ensure that they fully understand the complex emotions that donation triggers, including what happens eg. if the recipient doesn't follow medical advice and the kidney fails. If the assessor isn't happy that the donor is completely on board with the process we cannot legally go ahead. We would also happily tell family members that the person was not a match if that's what they wanted.

Feel free to tell her to go and fuck herself and block her on Facebook if that's what you want to do, nobody should be pressurised into a massive step like organ donation and she obviously couldn't care what you have to say about it, but if you do want another easier way out then meeting the team is an option.

I don’t get the whole ‘must be on Facebook with her’ when she pisses you off by posting pictures, which presumably you have sent her! If you can’t bear her, stop inflicting her on your kids-she’ll start harassing them for a bloody organ in a few years! Block her, stop sending pics. Your dh wants nothing to do with her, why are you forcing contact between your dc and her?

I would speak to the transplant team just to make your position crystal clear. That way, they know you aren’t an option and that might stop the appts being organised for you.

You don’t need me to tell you that you absolutely have no obligation to donate your kidney. The relationship is one thing but it doesn’t sound like he’s looked after this transplanted kidney.

Would they even talk to me if I rang them up wanting to speak to FIL's (transplant) team?

I've no idea but that's why I suggested the GP instead, preferably when you're seeing them for something else - which would also save the time of a transplant team

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think you should speak to the team. They deal with this all the time and will be able to deal with MIL without giving a specific reason you can't donate.

My kidney would only be going to my children or grandchildren, no one else.

It is not the transplant team's job to sort out family differences. Please don't add to their workload.

You can deal with this yourself, by ignoring what she's putting on FB. You are choosing to let it get to you. I know it's hard.

Sorry @muffinsinabox but you are enabling this , just go no contact and block . Children do not need toxic grandparents .

if the dgc meant that much to the dgp wouldn't mil be trying to help fil sort his life style out and be healthy for his gc ?
i've been signed up as an organ donor for more years than i care to remember but it would piss be off if a waster like your fil had my organs just wreck them.

My dc are fully functioning dc without my mil's fuckwittery-(no GPS at all) . Like your dh mine was lc with his. When I came along I tried to jolly along their relationship - especially when our dc came along. As it happened that was when she ramped up her Bitch Factor and we are nc now. Been 6 years. Take your cue from your dh. Like me you overstepped with the best of intentions.. Your dc need dps with decent mh more than the likes of her in their lives.

I'd reply to the grandparents need kids photo including a stock photo of 2 kids and a coffin and say kids need their mother more than their grandparents.

Well, if your DH is that decided then yes, go the whole hog, set aside your faint hopes of lovely GPs for your kids and at least mute her... you can still monitor her for stupidity and posting your DCs pictures.

Remember, your DH has set out his stall - the answer is NO!

Any guilt you feel is of your own making and you can and will overcome your desire to be nice to MIL! Deep breath... and just block her!

Nah fuck that. I wouldn't give a kidney to ANYONE except my daughter. Nope. No-one. And no, I wouldn't take one either.

^^this from @littlepattilou.

I’d donate to my DDs without a second thought, and possibly to my sister. Nobody else, not my parents, even though I love them very much. Likewise, no way would I take one from my children. I want them to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. Just don’t even go there. Ignore. This isn’t the kind of thing you can be pressured into. If you’re asked, be direct. Say you aren’t willing to take the risk when you have DC to consider. Children might need grandparents but they sure as hell need parents more.

It is not the transplant team's job to sort out family differences. But they do this as part of their role, every day! It is part of the screening process, as someone who used to be a coordinator has already said!

oops! Posted too soon.

One benefit of talkinf to the coordinator is that they can then fully shift their focus to a matched or stranger donation. They too may be being led to believe that OP will donate...