MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

[muffinsinabox]

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

The best thing your MIL can do to help FIL, is ensure he is fit for surgery.His diet/nutrition, alcohol intake and smoking will all show up in preliminary testing, to his disadvantage. Organs are in even shorter supply during covid, and they won't be wasted on a recipient who can't be bothered to adjust their lifestyle before or after .

 The pressure on you is outrageous. In your position, I would obtain  contact details of his medical advisor and  send  them a written  letter to the effect of " Under no circumstances will I ,  Muffin Box  donate a kidney for your patient Jim Box. so please ignore any  suggestions to the contrary from his wife  Bitch Box" .  Copy to DH and ask him to show it to his mother, because you're going NC with her.

My father has had two kidney transplants, he did look after the first but it only lasted 10 years. Anyway my aunt happily gave him his second one but she has had problems since, it's really not just wap one out and itll have no impact on you

Yanbu

I am extremely pro donation due to my dad and I'm so happy our system is now opt out but while living my list of who I'd donate to is very small

Wow, this is genuinely unbelievable. YANBU at all, not at all! I agree with pp, I would be tempted to cut contact for this.

I have to ask though, how on EARTH did your MIL find out what blood group you are?

My DP and ILs know my blood group, because I'm O- and had to go for the anti d jab during pregnancy and it just came up in conversation. MIL is a nurse, granted, but I think it would have come up anyway!

My dad is a living kidney donor for one of his brothers. He and his siblings were adamant they get tested first - they felt being 50s/60s with grown up children it was better for one of them to be a donor if possible than a 20s/30s child with young children of their own. Just because there are risks involved for the donor and if there's an alternative other than a young parent then that's preferable.

Your MIL is being unreasonable. It's such a big thing and absolutely needs the donor to be on board - there are plenty of tests and hospital visits, it's not like giving blood.

Please don't feel you are in the wrong here. Try to distance yourself from her.

'Sorry, still using them. I'll let you know when I'm done'

Has your MIL offered to donate a kidney @muffinsinabox?

If she isn't compatible with your FIL, she can still donate a kidney on his behalf through the UK kidney sharing scheme that matches groups of donors and recipients. So patient A who has a willing but incompatible donor A is matched with patient B who also has willing but incompatible donor B but donor A is a match for patient B and donor B is a match for patient A.

Even if you wanted to be considered to donate there would be up to a year of investigations- and forget about just a blood test- absolutely everything about you and your medical history would be looked at you would face many tests, some invasive. Blood type is not enough. (Incidentally how did MIL find your blood type out- many people don't even know theirs without very specific tests, or I suppose since you have had children you might end up knowing).

Blood type is not the overwhelming key to transplant viability.

As regards "match" there is no such thing just as a "match" there are numerous degrees of match and it is entirely unknown without many tests whether you might be an excellent, good, suitable or just about do-able match!
It would take multiple visits to various hospitals and a hell of a lot of your time.

Since you don't even like your FIL none of this should even be considered, and you would never pass the initial interviews without a full commitment to your FIL- something rather understandably lacking in your post.

Then there is the life effect on you and your own health, and you would be unable to donate a kidney to your own children if ever needed.

So tell your MIL no and be firm, the stop speaking to her if/when she carries on. Block her on all media.

As for the children they can have contact with her when she agrees to drop the subject permanently.

Incidentally if FIL is basically not very healthy (kidney failure apart) and with his age, and if by any chance he has not taken all his post transplant medication as told, he would probably not ever get on the transplant list, and might even face difficulties even with a willing live donor- which you are not anyway!

Imo you need to heed dh's path and stop bothering with her.
Your dc do not need such a toxic person.. Dna connected or not.. Block all her batshittery
.. Today.

You can call the transplant coordinator and explain to them what is happening.

That your DH has a rare autoimmune disease, what happens if...
That you just don't want to donate...
That you can't tell MIL no as she just won't leave you alone - maybe show them some of the posts

They will explain that blood type is only half the story. They will tell MIL/FIL you don't have a tissue type match.

They do this all the time... there are squillions of reasons not to want to donate - I don't want to is good enough!

I think you're right to feel the way you do but I can also imagine being prepared to do anything and never giving up, to try and save DH

What's your DH's part in this? MIL got the info about your blood group from somewhere...

This is shocking. I love my FIL very much but I wouldn't give him my kidney (and nor would he ask me to).

There's very few people I'd give a kidney to other than my own parents or my own kids. Probably my siblings too as I have a good relationship with them. Outside my own immediate family though, no way! Definitely none of my in laws. They have no right to ask, or expect such a thing. YANBU - keep your organs to yourself.

@orangenasturtium

Has your MIL offered to donate a kidney *@muffinsinabox*?

If she isn't compatible with your FIL, she can still donate a kidney on his behalf through the UK kidney sharing scheme that matches groups of donors and recipients. So patient A who has a willing but incompatible donor A is matched with patient B who also has willing but incompatible donor B but donor A is a match for patient B and donor B is a match for patient A.

Yes OP why don't you suggest this to your MIL then she can leave you alone.

Just block her. Literally, cut off her oxygen.

Whilst the t would be better if MIL chose to respect your wishes, the easiest way to stop this will be to speak to the team. If you speak to the transplant team and tell them that you are being bullied they will stop it dead. They will tell your family that you aren’t a suitable donor.

Do be aware, OP, that threads about organ donation are very often deleted, but on the offchance of this one lasting I'd say it's time to invoke some basic principles - and one of them is that absolutely nobody's entitled to someone else's organs, no matter what their lifestyle or anything else. If a donor wants to give willingly that's a wonderful and very different thing, but coercion - no

You've not said what your DH's views on this pressure are, but with or without his backing it's actually quite easy to solve; just have a chat with your GP and then tell them they've advised against it (which they will if you tell them you're being pressured)

As much as I dont think you should HAVE to pretend to agree then say you're not a match. It would shut the conversation down and I couldn't do with the bitterness from everyone including my husband that I could have saved his dads life and chose not to.

But God I would be so bitter and nasty every time he ate or drank something he shouldn't when I'd given him my liver. It pisses me off that MIL doesn't look after the scooter we bought her, never mind my own organ!

YANBU. And sounds like you have a DH problem.

He’s low contact with them so why isn’t he telling them that this is not going to happen?

Please don’t give your kidney to an alcoholic who doesn’t give a shit about the kidney he was previously donated.

Either that, or tag her in a post along these lines:

I am being asked to risk my life and well-being in order to give a kidney to someone who has already had one kidney transplant, yet refuses to follow their renal diet and quit drinking and smoking. I will not risk my children having to grow up without me for someone with such little regard for their own well-being. So here it is, [tag MIL], my answer is NO.

You have had good advice on this thread. For a peaceful life, please block her, talk to DH and (if you think it will help), call the medical team. I would also get DH to point out that FiL may have a long wait for a new kidney, so his best bet is to follow the doctor's advice to maximise the one he has got.

I would give a kidney to my kids. No-one else.

You are NOT unreasonable. They are!
Do not discuss again they are horrible.
I saw the pressure that a friend was under: His brother slightly younger needed similar transplant for similar reasons. Lifestyle anti good health.
Not a happy sight, he did agree in the end and went on to an active retirement. No idea what happened to the brother.

Thank you all for your responses so far.

How does MIL know about the blood group thing? Back when she had a key to our house and I was pregnant with DC1 DH and I went away for a weekend. She had obviously been on a huge snoopathon as my blood group was in my maternity notes.
She's a right piece of work which is part of the reason why DH talks to her 4 times a year (xmas, his birthday, her birthday and FIL's birthday). I stay out of what goes on between him and his parents but I know a lot has gone on in the past that makes him feel like this. If it wasnt for the DC he would certainly be totally non contact with them. The silver lining of a very dark covid shaped cloud is that I haven't had to see the inlaws for a year now and it's been bliss. What a shame my laptop is so old and rubbish that it doesnt support any video calls nonsense but I am not telling her that

As for MIL and me being friends on facebook, that kind of has to happen. She's got form for posting full face pictures of our DC on facebook. DH has one of those jobs where he very much stays out of the limelight and definitely doesnt want to say he has DC. DH doesnt use fb, hence why I get the 'pleasure' of being MIL's 'friend'.

I'm not even sure I would want to even speak to the transplant team tbh. Even though I know what hospital FIL uses I would still need to go through MIL to get the specifics. Would they even talk to me if I rang them up wanting to speak to FIL's team? Patient confidentiality and all of that. I can well imagine that asking MIL for the details would fuel her and send her spinning out of all control. However after this mornings bollocks involving a stock photo of a grandfather with 2 kids and some crap about grandchildren need grandparents (DH is an only) I am getting very close to telling her to piss off.

If it were DH or the dc in need of a new kidney then I would be down the transplant centre at the earliest opportunity though.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts so far.

Look, just tell her "I cannot donate to FIL because one of my children may need a kidney one day".

If what people are saying about the transplant team telling your MIL that you weren't a suitable match is true, then I'd contact them. I'd also block her on facebook. She's bullying you. All this about your DC's losing a grandparent, she couldn't give a stuff if they lost their mum. She's quite happy for you to take a big risk but otherwise couldn't care less.

@Aquamarine1029

I can't believe that some people think the op should just bend over and talk to the transplant team. Fuck that to the moon and back. The op has said NO. No is a complete sentence and the op has every right to refuse. Like hell she should give in to her MIL's bullying.

Agree and neither should @muffinsinabox duck and dive and come up with excuses and definitely not “agree to meet the transplant team and get them to deal with it”. All of that is just fuelling the fire. I agree with everyone who says grey rock. Do not meet her emotion with any of your own. I would also block her on FB so she can’t tag you. Your DH needs to step up with the same absolute no. I hope he’s absolutely and robustly shutting down any requests from her to sort you out despite his LC with them?

It’s a shame she can’t find some support online through one of the charities or the hospital so she can put her energies somewhere else and perhaps speak to professionals with experience of your FiL’s condition who might help her see she’s not being rational. It sounds like she’s terrified and has made you responsible in her own mind for something she can’t control. Not your problem or responsibility but while you’re being a NC grey rock and (hopefully) your DH is backing you up it would be helpful if she could talk to people who understands so that perhaps she can get an inkling that she’s being beyond unreasonable and you can get some peace.