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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
ArnoJambonsBike · 15/01/2021 14:34

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GU24Mum · 15/01/2021 14:34

There's no way you should be under any pressure. As many PPs have said, I'd do it for my children but that's about it.

FWIW, nursery friends of DDs (a while ago now) did this - one of the parents was a (willing) live donor for a parent but it went horribly wrong; the donor nearly died, ended up on dialysis and has reduced life expectancy.

TurquoiseDragon · 15/01/2021 14:35

I would never donate a kidney, except to my DC, before I'm dead. I wouldn't even consider my dad (but that's a no go anyway, different blood group).

There are some considerable risks for a living donor, it's not to be undertaken lightly.

And I certainly wouldn't be donating to someone who isn't willing to care for himself or the first kidney he's received.

ChloeCrocodile · 15/01/2021 14:37

Another YANBU here. Absolutely tell her to shove off. And you don't even have to be that polite.

Personally, I wouldn't talk to the transplant team because that might encourage her to harass more people this way, and because I suspect they are quite busy enough!

NavyFlask · 15/01/2021 14:37

Wow! YANBU, really you aren't.

Lostinthemail · 15/01/2021 14:37

Please be kind to yourself and block her on social media. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/01/2021 14:39

I agree with previous suggestions that you have a phone conversation with the transplant team and tell them that you won't donate (so long as this won't take long as you don't want to waste their time). Then they can tell her that initial screening showed you to be unsuitable, they won't tell her why because that's your private medical information. I think the reason that this would be useful is that she is not a reasonable woman and she is not accepting 'no' as an answer from you and therefore, if your FIL dies, she has a high chance of telling your DC and the rest of the world that you killed him by not giving him a kidney.

Cattitudes · 15/01/2021 14:39

The transplant team can tell her you are not compatible for a transplant, might be the quickest most effective way to get her off your back as there is no going back from that.

You could suggest to her that she investigates paired or pooled donation systems with her kidney, so she donates her kidney to someone else who needs one but whose kidney doesn't match their relative but does match FIL. See if she is willing to put her kidney where her mouth is.

saraclara · 15/01/2021 14:39

the transplant team would do the opposite of trying to talk you into it. Coerced (I.e. pressured, not necessarily "forced" ) consent is not legally valid. They only want informed, capacitous, freely consenting donors who are both a physical match and mentally up to what live donation involves.

And as I understand it they would just tell MIL/FIL you weren't a suitable match - not that you weren't a match because you'd declined to be tested etc.

That. I know from a firend's experience that they would do exactly that.

Phone the team, explain, then this whole episode will be brought to a close without you having to be the one who says no to her. And she'll have no idea why you have been rejected as a donor.

mcmooberry · 15/01/2021 14:40

She needs to accept your no as final.
There was a similar post on here a while back, someone being pressured into donating to, from memory, a sister or half sister. Apparently you would be ruled right out by the transplant team if you are not 100% on board.

Cluas · 15/01/2021 14:40

Talk to the transplant team, get them to tell her you don’t match. End of story.

I think this is bad advice. The OP is being pressured to consider an outrageous thing, and she needs to close it down by saying absolutely not. As others have said, it's not an inconsiderable step even if you are a good match, and are absolutely willing to do it for someone you love.

22esmeweatherwax · 15/01/2021 14:40

How dare she! This is beyond cheeky.
I am a living donor and donated a kidney to my DH 10 years ago. Being a living donor is a HUGE undertaking and you have to be completely willing and fit and able to donate. Our assessment process took 9 months from start to finish. There I no way the transplant team would let you get past first base if you don’t want to do this.
How dare your MIL treat you in such a heartless manner. You are not rent a kidney! Block her on FB and tell her no way are you considering being a donor. I wouldn’t have done it for anyone other than my DH or my DC. It’s a huge operation and took a lot of recovery.

Iwonder08 · 15/01/2021 14:41

OP, do you really want your kids to be exposed to such a person? I never understood wives going out of their way to keep relationships alive with ILs when their own husband, their son doesn't want it.
You MIL is a crazy, selfish person. It is extremely inappropriate to ask for such a 'favour'. You have to find courage to tell her to f*K off

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 15/01/2021 14:42

I honestly have no words. You really, really need to block her as many others have suggested. This is so far beyond wrong that it is hard to even articulate how wrong it is!

afaloren · 15/01/2021 14:43

I’ve read some in-law bullshit on here before but this is a new level. Is nothing sacred??? Tell your DH to sort his mother out, FFS.

user1471462428 · 15/01/2021 14:43

@Cattitudes idea is brilliant. I know a couple where the wife did exactly this. Worked out well for them.

I do have to note that 10 years isn’t great for a transplant organ but also not too bad. I’ve known a patient who had one for thirty years but I’ve also seen a lot fail within the first year.

HelloThereMeHearties · 15/01/2021 14:44

No way would I donate anything to anyone. My DC might need it.

Iorderedyouapancake · 15/01/2021 14:44

Op you should absolutely not consider donating and as others have said even if you did agree to be tested as a match there’s no way the renal team would allow you to be a donor unless you were 100% sure you wanted to do it. Totally unacceptable for MIL to be pressuring you like this.

Would also like to point out though that it’s perfectly normal for a transplanted kidney to fail after 10 years (this would be a pretty average transplant lifespan) and doesn’t necessarily mean FIL has “trashed” it or doesn’t deserve another one - smoking is not good for any of us obviously but as a general rule renal transplant patients can drink alcohol and eat a normal diet, it’s usually only when the kidney starts to fail/you move onto dialysis that your diet has to become more restrictive

Iorderedyouapancake · 15/01/2021 14:47

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Cattitudes · 15/01/2021 14:48

@CoraPirbright

Also your FIL is only in his 60’s. Just imagine how infuriating it would be to go through the massive op etc that live donation would entail just to watch him trash your kidney over the following decade! It’s not really likely that he is suddenly going to mend his ways now is it?!
Read this through about five times, make a note on your phone and every time you think that you are even a tiny bit unreasonable get it out and read it.
YoniAndGuy · 15/01/2021 14:48

I'd cut contact at this, 100%.

You keep in touch for the kids' sake, you say. Well now you know what an emotionally blackmailing and utterly inappropriate person to have around your children this woman is, you should absolutely stop that contact for your kids' sake.

Stop being a 'silly little girl'?! Jesus fuck that would be the last she ever heard from me, my kids, or her son. The end.

Get fucking rid.

PracticallyPerfectInZeroWays · 15/01/2021 14:50

Two options are

  1. 'Giving in' and going to see the domain team who will rule you out immediately when you explain the situation and Trek your MIL that you are not a suitable match (without taking a blood test!) It has the upside of getting her off your back about this issue once and for all but the downside of letting her think her pestering had paid off, setting you up for further nonsense later down the line; or
  1. Telling her, calmly, one last time that you are not doing this, it is not up for discussion and your internal organs are not up for grabs (good lord that you have to say such a thing or loud!). You tell her that you are very sorry for her distress and understand it is a difficult time for her and that for that reason only, you will be giving her one opportunity to stop her unreasonable behaviour. If she brings up the subject one more time, directly or indirectly, you will be cutting off communication with her entirely because it is entirely unfair and very stressful for you. If she doesn't care about your feelings, she should care about the knock on effect of that for her grandchildren. End of discussion, MIL, ball's in your court.

Personally I'd go for option 2, but good luck with either!

(I don't think it needs saying but obviously option 3 - allow yourself to be bullied into having a body part removed against your will is certainly NOT an option!)

BringPizza · 15/01/2021 14:51

YANBU I agree with getting the transplant team to tell her you're not a match so she shuts up and doesn't blame you forever more.

PracticallyPerfectInZeroWays · 15/01/2021 14:52

Terrible typos in my post but hopefully you get my drift!

Beautifulbonnie · 15/01/2021 14:53

My step sister donated her kidney

And it’s really really really hard. It’s traumatic. It’s brutal. Horrifically brutal

However. I would donate a kidney. I’ve donated stem cells. Blood. Bone plasma. Bone marrow.

But it’s a stupidly difficult on the body. My sister got an infection and it led to her being hospitalised for over a year. So I’d have to think long and hard about it.

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