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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, FIL and a kidney transplant (potentially sensitive content)

341 replies

muffinsinabox · 15/01/2021 13:57

I've name changed for this as there is absolutely no way I want this linked to my usual MN username.

FIL needs a kidney transplant. Well to be more precise FIL needs another kidney transplant. He had one about 10 years ago, but I dont know why exactly as MIL wont say. However FIL isn't the picture of a man in his 60's in good health. He drinks, denies he smokes, eats anything he wants (supposed to be on a renal diet). He's back on dialysis but his kidney function is dropping pretty quickly.

DH is fairly low contact with his parents. Phone calls for birthdays, christmases and token presents. I keep in more touch with the in laws only for the sake of the kids. MIL can be very trying at times, and if it wasnt for the kids I wouldn't want anything to do with her.

I'm absolutely 100% for organ donation. I've got a donor card and once I am dead they can take what they want for whatever they need it for. If it wasn't for a very real and serious needle phobia I would also give blood.

Mil's facebook feed is all full of things about live kidney donation. I gather FIL's transplant person has told her that someone once found a donor on facebook so she's gone with it. Her choice and all of that although I don't agree with the forceful tone of some of the stuff she posts, nor do I agree with being tagged in it. Part of the reason why I really don't like MIL is that it's her opinion and her opinion only that counts. Somehow MIL has found out that I am the same blood group as FIL and she has now gone all out on trying to get me tested as a potential donor for FIL. Tagging me in multiple posts, sending me stuff, blackmail (what would your dc do without FIL type stuff), trying to make appointments for me to speak to the transplant team, telling DH that he needs to 'sort me out' as I am being a silly little girl, getting other people who have donated kidneys to talk to me, crying down the phone...

Except I don't want to. I don't want to go for the initial testing as I just cant hack the blood tests, I dont even want to speak to the transplant team as I dont want to be talked into something I am so against. It's like I am being treated as a renta-kidney and MIL doesnt give a damn about me. I dont want to put myself through the risks of surgery as I have 2 small children myself and want to be there for them. I've told MIL bluntly that it just isnt going to happen, yet even today she has tagged me on fb for some stuff that only just falls short of emotional blackmail.

So AIBU for wanting MIL to shove off??

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 15/01/2021 14:16

Go no contact. She’s a bully and quite frankly insane if she thinks it’s appropriate for a mother of two young DC to risk her health for her fil.

1FootInTheRave · 15/01/2021 14:17

This is outrageous.

I would go completely no contact.

CoraPirbright · 15/01/2021 14:18

This came up in conversation with my dm once. Can’t recall why. A news item perhaps. Anyway I said I would give her a kidney immediately if it came to it, and she said absolutely no way would she take one of mine as one of my children might potentially need one someday. Totally selfless (as one hopes a parent would be!).

How about telling MIL that you have looked into the type of kidney failure FIL has and that there is an element to it that is hereditary so you will be keeping your kidneys in case one of the children needs one. Then block her. I am fully ok with being totally harvested once I have shuffled off....but not bloody before!!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 14:18

I can't believe that some people think the op should just bend over and talk to the transplant team. Fuck that to the moon and back. The op has said NO. No is a complete sentence and the op has every right to refuse. Like hell she should give in to her MIL's bullying.

Godimabitch · 15/01/2021 14:18

No way. I'm all for organ donation, on every register I could find. I am feeling less confident about this since getting pregnant, I'm far more protective of myself now.
But, he hasn't looked after his, or his donors, which to me shows a massive disrespect of the system, that kidney could have gone to someone else who would have looked after it.

You might need both kidneys, anything could happen and you'll find yourself looking for a donor.

I would agree to the consultation. Then tell the consultant under no uncertain terms that you will not be donating or being tested but that he needs to tell her you're not a match so she stops harassing and blackmailing you.

candycane222 · 15/01/2021 14:19

suppose one of your children has inherited FiL's kidney disorder. You will want to keep your second kidney for them, I'd say.

UrsulaVdL · 15/01/2021 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaraDuneRedux · 15/01/2021 14:19

She's a piece of work, isn't she?

One of:
No, DC need a mother more than they need a grandad

Fuck off

Block

Or (if you're a nicer person than I am) the transplant team told me I wasn't compatible

RadGlags · 15/01/2021 14:20

Also, I’m pretty sure I read something about women not being suitable donors for men?

underneaththeash · 15/01/2021 14:21

Speak to the transplant team. Tell them that you're not willing to be a donor and they will mark you as unsuitable.
Tell MIL you are classed as unsuitable.

Keratinsmooth · 15/01/2021 14:21

Change your Facebook settings do that she can’t tag you or post onto your wall.

CharlotteRose90 · 15/01/2021 14:22

Just say no. I wouldn’t do it unless it was for my future children or my brother. Anyone else can piss off. Don’t talk to the transplant team either as they will try and persuade you. I get it’s a sad time for him but he needs to go on the list and wait.

chaosrabbitland · 15/01/2021 14:23

nope , id give a kidney to somebody if i only really wanted to . certainly not to a father in law i wasnt even close to and had already had one thats starting to fail ! if you aint close to her id ignore the tags and crap and let it all wash over me and if she asked me outright id say no bluntly ,

BornIn78 · 15/01/2021 14:24

How the hell did she find out what blood group you are? I don't think even DH knows mine and I couldn't tell you what his is either, never mind in-laws blood groups.

CoolCovidCat · 15/01/2021 14:24

Fucking hell! What does your DH think of all this?

I'd block her.

Onadifferentuniverse · 15/01/2021 14:25

Have you been clear with her that you’re not interested in being a live donor?

TurkeyTrot · 15/01/2021 14:25

Even with the same blood group, the chances of being a compatible donor are really small. It doesn't sound like your MIL understands this at all.

Chloemol · 15/01/2021 14:26

Your choice, and of course there is nothing to say your kids may not need a transplant so why give it to your FIL

Just block her

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 15/01/2021 14:27

I love my FIL very much but I wouldn’t give him a kidney, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t take one.

DH or DCs or DB I would donate to absolutely but no one else.

OPs FIL has already had one transplant which he hasn’t respected he will just have to wait his turn for a deceased donor but I doubt he’ll be high on the list if he’s already trashed the last one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2021 14:29

What they all said. An additionally, you having more contact with these people than your husband - their actual son - suggests he knows what they’re really like and he’s chosen not to see them much for a reason. You’ve been undermining him “for the sake of the children” as though you know better than him when you should have trusted what he thinks of them. He’s known them all his life, you haven’t.

I’d go completely NC at this point as no one calls me a silly little girl even if they’re not trying to extract by organs, but if you don’t do that please follow your DH’s lead and keep contact to a minimum. You know what they think of you now and there’s no benefit to your children in having these nutters in your lives.

Iloveacurry · 15/01/2021 14:30

Block her. Why would you want to help someone who won’t help themselves?

Rafflesway · 15/01/2021 14:31

Absolutely no way! (And I am related to a family with genetic kidney issues where 3 members we're on dialysis, 2 had transplants but this was a few years ago now and all 3 have since passed away.)

Your first priority has to be YOUR DH and children! What if one of them needed a kidney in years to come?

Big fat NO from me! If she breaks off contact then good imo.

Piffle11 · 15/01/2021 14:31

WTF?? Is your MIL for real? I can’t believe the sheer audacity of someone to try and force another person into donating one of their organs ... it would be bad enough your own DM trying to force your hand, but your MIL? I think it’s absolutely shocking. I think you need to tell her once and for all, and block her on Facebook so she can’t tag you. I think what she’s doing is dreadful. I understand that she must be trying every think she can think of, but you don’t try and bully someone or wear them down in this scenario. It’s not as though you’ve just got along to the hospital, having removed, and then go back home after being stitched up. It’s a little bit more debilitating than that! And what if you need your two kidneys in the future? Has she thought about that? You have children and a husband to consider before your in-laws. And I don’t know why you’re really bothering with them, they don’t sound like the sort of people I’d my kids around anyway. The fact that your husband doesn’t really bother with them speaks volumes. Tell her to direct her bullying tactics towards someone else.

CoraPirbright · 15/01/2021 14:33

Also your FIL is only in his 60’s. Just imagine how infuriating it would be to go through the massive op etc that live donation would entail just to watch him trash your kidney over the following decade! It’s not really likely that he is suddenly going to mend his ways now is it?!

unbotheredbutbewildered · 15/01/2021 14:33

In no world are you being unreasonable.

In the nicest possible way (and I'm definitely going to get criticised for this...)if he's had one and he's not taken proper care of it (which is what it sounds like) he doesn't really deserve another. Someone else deserves the chance to have their life back.

It is your life and your choice and above all YOUR body. You need to make that perfectly clear to her and tell her is she persists you will be cutting contact. Emotional blackmail is unacceptable!

Good luck OP