What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

No harm reporting it op, sounds distressing.

Don't be ridiculous....shouting is hardly the most serious thing happening right now. And if you "report" this, then someone will have to come out and investigate which means that that's an exposure to covid, and a use of a resource that almost certainly could be better used elsewhere.
Some cultures are more "shouty" than others. Everytime we went to Italy, my (now ex)H would get very agitated about how "angry" everyone was and shouting all the time. He did not speak Italian. I do. They were usually doing something like talking about the football scores, or what they were eating or the lottery. I am sure that pretty much every time he thought they were angry, they were in fact happy and just expressing it at a volume and with an energy that he wasn't used to.
Never mind that maybe their dd has issues that need addressing, but since we're in the middle of a pandemic, they aren't getting the support they need. Reporting them right now is just going to exacerbate the situation.

Naughty1205 there could be LOTS of harm in reporting an innocent situation.

Ignore people who think a virus is more important. Some people will report a neighbor for having an extra person in their house on Christmas Day but will ignore potential child abuse or people who are not coping mentally. Are the adults shouting at the child? You say the child is getting distressed. That would be enough for me to say it warrants some form of investigation/welfare check. Even if the shouting is as harmless as “I’ve told you a thousand times to put your shoes on” it shouldn’t be yelled at a child with such “aggression” that it causes that level of distress. It would upset me greatly to hear that through the walls.

Whether it’s child abuse or whether the parents are having some form of mental health crisis, you should call for help. Maybe Childline or similar can help? At least one of them in the house, possibly all three, need some help.

@SofiaAmes

Naughty1205 there could be LOTS of harm in reporting an innocent situation.

How so?

If its innocent then it might be a bit embarrassing but its not like social workers are the KGB

The child could be autistic

My daughter is nearly 8 and has such a temper. I hate to think what the neighbours hear because she will scream, shout, stomp up the stairs, throw things. Sometimes this involves shouting between us but she'll have a meltdown at least once a day. Usually when we say she can't watch YouTube at night or if she gets told off.

As it stands, we don't know if there are any autistic traits, adhd or anything. Me and DH have discussed with eachother as there are a couple of things which sound like adhd but nothing totally obvious, which makes it difficult.

My DS is 9 and I never have any problems with him.. maybe it's a girl thing. Although my sister's are 11 and 13, I don't remember my mum ever saying they did anything like this.. she has seen one of her mild temper tantrums.

So your neighbours could be going through similar.

Do you know what language they speak? Maybe you could record it and ask someone that speaks it

My DD is 8. We are all mightily stressed with home schooling and lockdown, mixing that with hormones she’s not worked out how to handle... wowzers... it’s a nuclear eruption when the words shower and bedtime come out of my mouth.

That doesn't sound ok to me. I manage to get mine out without shouting. I don't think as adults we should do nothing. I don't think the other language is an issue - this child is distressed and crying on a regular basis. So whatever their culture it's not ok. I also think that the only respite for this child might be school and school is closed.

Oh for gods sake. You don’t know of any learning difficulties including the situation and yet you want to report.

Child could be autistic or many other things you don’t know about. If you’re that concerned why not just have a chat with them

My 12 year old ds has a terrible temper. He will scream and shout amd cry and even hit things when he is pissed off. It can be over things like us telling him to come off the xbox, school work, telling him to get ready because we need to go out.
I shout back at him because I got fed up trying to placate him. I also have a short temper. No one ever hits anyone. So no, I wouldn't report it unless I thought the child sounded scared.
If I was playing up at that age I was shouted at. Didn’t do me any harm.

My son gets very worked up, he can't handle being rushed and he can't handle any discisons, he often gets himself really stressed and he constantly thinks I'm shouting at him. On the days I just can't muster the strength to placate myself, we can get a bit shouty. I cannot always hold it in. Everyday I'm like a pan on the stove just about to boil over but sometimes his shouting gets the better of me a d I retailate. 😳

My DD has ASD and goodness knows what our neighbours think when she is having a meltdown. They've told me they can hear her and said that she doesn't half go for it although when she does have a meltdown we don't tend to raise our voices at her.

These comments are insane. It’s so much better to be safe than sorry- it’s absolutely not normal to have complete screaming matches with your child every day.

Yes, there may be an explanation for it, such as learning difficulties but also there might not be and a child’s welfare is more important than Covid

Every single bloody safeguarding training I've had emphasised that you have to report a concern. The last piece of the (puzzle and all that.
I'm surprised nobody reported me, as we can be very noisy and my youngest screams when he gets overwhelmed. I have nothing to hide if someone comes along, it can be bloody difficult at times)
.
It can't do any harm to report.

This is absolutely not normal. It could be abuse so I would report to social services. If (as has been suggested) the girl has additional needs, it would appear the parents need support - see how Daisychains handles her dd: by not shouting herself). Either way, reporting would have been a good thing for the child.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
An 8 year old and a 12 year old are completely different. 12 is a tween with lots of attitude. Eight is still the golden and easy time in childhood.
I don’t agree with shouting at your child doing no harm. I was shouted at and much more; it destroyed my soul.

Look, the reality is we do not know what you are hearing.

Some people love to catastrophise (it must be child abuse), some people to downplay (It's nothing).

You need to make the decision that makes you comfortable not confuse the issue further.

@Mummyoflittledragon

This is absolutely not normal. It could be abuse so I would report to social services. If (as has been suggested) the girl has additional needs, it would appear the parents need support - see how Daisychains handles her dd: by not shouting herself). Either way, reporting would have been a good thing for the child.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
An 8 year old and a 12 year old are completely different. 12 is a tween with lots of attitude. Eight is still the golden and easy time in childhood.
I don’t agree with shouting at your child doing no harm. I was shouted at and much more; it destroyed my soul.

My 7 year old shout when he's annoyed aswell. We all have a short temper,apart from dp. It depends on the shouting. You said shouting and much more, so it's not the same as just general losing your temper and shouting because you are so frustrated.

Are you sure it’s not a “shouty” sounding language? As pp said Italian can sound “loud and angry” as well as Arabic, Spanish and many others.

I’m not a shouty person but I honestly wouldn’t report someone if my only concern was shouting, I’d have a word with them and ask if they could keep it down as you can hear everything as the walls are so thin.

To the people saying there could be a reason, the child could have learning difficulties. That would be a reason for the child's behaviour, but not the adults. I would say learning difficulties would make it more of a concern.

To those saying that you're being ridiculous - I wish any one of the neighbours had reported the daily screaming and crying matches between me and my mum. Neighbours were quick enough to come to the door to complain and tell my mum to shut up, if they had raised their complaints to SS then I might have been spared a bloody childhood of beatings and abuse. Always report when you are concerned.

Instead of language like 'report' use language like 'information share' or 'share concerns' because that's what you would be doing. You can do this via the NSPCC online or over the phone if you want to remain anonymous.
As others have said there may be nothing to worry about at all or this could be a child living in a highly volatile and emotionally damaging environment. That's not for you to decide, your only role is to share your concerns with the people whose job it is to assess and safeguard children.
If this child has additional needs or challenging behaviour, shouting and escalating by a parent is not going to help the situation and maybe they need support to manage their emotions.
I'm always amazed how many people on here suggest doing nothing when someone raises a worry.
There are countless Serious Case Review reports going over decades in just about every county in this country of children who have died or been seriously harmed and people in the community who knew or had suspicions but did nothing.

OP I work in primary school. You are right to be concerned. Reporting means you’ve done your bit and child protection is EVERYONE’S duty. If you can find out which school she goes to (uniform?) then ring the headteacher and voice your concerns. They will know what to do.

Here learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection