What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

You are basically reporting a couple for arguing in a language you don't understand?

I think you need something more than that.

Are you actually going to pretend you have witnessed or have real cause for concern about:

• physical child abuse
• sexual child abuse
• emotional child abuse
• domestic violence

Because I don't think you have any evidence of those things.

So you would be reporting them for arguing.

@Benjispruce2

OP I work in primary school. You are right to be concerned. Reporting means you’ve done your bit and child protection is EVERYONE’S duty. If you can find out which school she goes to (uniform?) then ring the headteacher and voice your concerns. They will know what to do.

This is an insidious attitude.

Reporting means you’ve done your bit not if it is unfounded. If unfounded, you've done a bad thing.

When you say banging do you think possibly things are being thrown at the child. As a retired SW I can say that families are reported for much less. It could be something or it could be nothing. It does no harm to report your concerns. You can call the NSPCC and talk through what is worrying you. They will pass it on to the right people if they feel it is concerning. Don't ignore it. Things could easily escalate and the child may be at risk of harm.

Inquietant

Why is it insidious? Rather than go to NSPCC who won't come out and do a check they may suggest sw, whereas schools will be able to have an I formal talk to the child and talk to parents about any comments their child makes that may concern them and offer / source support rather than a formal sw call.

every household is different, you don't know their work stresses, child's possible learning difficulties etc. Mind your own business and be sympathetic

I think you have to try to work out if they are arguing with each other or shouting at the child. And if you don't know, be very clear in any report that you really have no clue.

If I am upstairs 'shouting' to my child who is in the kitchen, that is different to shouting whilst in the same room!

I just think shouting = problem is too simplistic.

@SallyTimms

Inquietant

Why is it insidious? Rather than go to NSPCC who won't come out and do a check they may suggest sw, whereas schools will be able to have an I formal talk to the child and talk to parents about any comments their child makes that may concern them and offer / source support rather than a formal sw call.

I already said which bit I consider insidious:

Reporting means you’ve done your bit not if it is unfounded. If unfounded, you've done a bad thing

Your attitude is overly simplistic imo

I can’t believe how many people are saying not to report. The OP is not hearing a “couple” arguing in a language she can’t speak. This is a child and a parent screaming at each other and lots of banging. Hearing a child screaming and crying on a daily basis and doing nothing is shocking. I thought things had moved on from when I was a child. It may not be abuse but it’s a bad enough situation that it needs investigating and the family, at the very least, need support. People should not ignore significant warning signs of abuse because there “might” be a potentially innocuous explanation. Every serious case review that I have read seems to be strewn with people who said nothing because they didn’t want to interfere because there might be an innocent explanation for things or who accepted parental explanations for clearly worrying behaviours, incidents or injuries.

If it's every day then yes I would do it, even just for the noise. More understandable if it happens occasionally or couple of times a week. We get evening meltdowns with our eldest who is 7 and it can get loud.

I’m gobsmacked by the amount of ‘mind your own business’ people on here! With all the recent case studies of harm to minors I thought the days of turning a blind eye were gone!

Verbal violence is harmful and endangering.

Report and get someone round there to see if support is needed. If it’s not to rescue the minor but to teach the parent that ‘shouting at’ is not the way to nurture your kids or your partner. Help is out there.

Concerns should be reported, at best they might give the family a bit of support, at worst something bad is happening and authorities have been alerted.

I am very shocked at those who say you shouldn’t do anything. This is prolonged, upsetting and I presume in your report you will make the point about the language barrier. Your post seems very balanced, please report, the family might get a bit of support because parenting is not easy.

When I’ve made reports through work, I always think better to report a concern than be hand wringing/ upset after an event that involves a young person. Social services are there to help and advise, good on you for noticing and caring.

@inquietant you are sadly wrong. Reporting or sharing as a pp said, means it will be looked into. It doesn’t mean their child will be taken away. Mostly, these things generate a conversation and stay on database in case other situations develop. It’s like a piece of a jigsaw. I read that parents are screaming at a child every day, that’s not normal and nothing to do with language, it’s abuse.

Do you know what language they speak? Maybe you could record it and ask someone that speaks it

I agree with this.

My 8 year old is being assessed for ASD and it sounds like our mornings !! Lots of crying and screaming from her and me begging her to get dressed and her shoes on. To be honest I'm amazed our neighbours haven't said anything or called police or social services.

My dd8 screams and cries too sometimes but every day/every other day sounds a bit much! And I very rarely scream/shout back. It does sound like it’s possibly a cultural thing but it’s unfair that you need to hear that on a daily basis, especially early in the morning, and must be very stressful for the child to be growing up in such a volatile atmosphere.
Maybe the dd is just learning that screaming and shouting is the way to express her emotions considering the mother seems just as bad?

If you decide not to report I would at the very least ask them to please try to keep the noise down. Only you know what you’re hearing and whether it is genuinely concerning.

Here www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/

I have reported something myself before.

It is the idea that you should report anything just in case that is insidious.

Why would you report???? You have no children of your own so you have no idea what it's like to parent or look after children. Children have tantrums and scream and shout at times. You don't know this family, child could having learning difficulties or be on the spectrum. They are speaking in a different language so you dont even know what is being said. I have children and during the school week they can be quite noisy, up and downstairs, slamming doors, moaning, me stressed trying to get them all out to school. That's part of family life... Noise. We also lived next door to different nationalities for a while and they are more loud and verbal than we were but there was no abuse just a different way of communicating. Have you seen the child with parents? Does she look healthy, sad, mistreated?

I cant think of a situation where a parent and child this age are screaming at each other that isn't a concern.
Let's say the child is autistic for the sake of argument. It might explain them screaming and crying. It wouldn't explain the parent yelling back, not on a daily basis. None of us is perfect and I have a child who was extremely difficult at that age so occasionally yes I lost it, but not ever on a daily basis. So at the very least it's a parent who isn't handling their parenting situation well. At worse it's an ordinary child in an awful daily living situation.

@EssentialHummus

Do you know what language they speak? Maybe you could record it and ask someone that speaks it

I agree with this.

I also think this is an important detail.

No not anything. This situation is repeated behaviour that has worried them.

I am always somewhat at the people who say on here that reporting does no harm, that if there’s nothing to hide then the parents will understand.

I’d love to know how many of the posters on here who have that attitude have actually been reported to social services for invalid reasons and have then been grateful to the person who did it because “well you just never know, and I didn’t have anything to hide so it was all ok.”

Nobody knows what is going on in that house. And let’s be honest, emotional abuse could happen in a house where there is no shouting or screaming, and similarly a house which contains an amount of shouting could be just at a volatile point or with temperaments which clash.

Social services have enough to contend with without someone ringing them to say “my neighbour shouts at their kids.” Don’t we all at some point?

My neighbours are Chinese. They shout constantly. I’m sure they have rows especially in the middle of the night, but they seem to be speaking in a very loud language. Should I ring social services because they shout louder than I do?

Also, you said this happens every morning before school, so seems to be linked with getting ready for school rather than just general shouting and screaming on a regular basis.

[quote Benjispruce2]@inquietant you are sadly wrong. Reporting or sharing as a pp said, means it will be looked into. It doesn’t mean their child will be taken away. Mostly, these things generate a conversation and stay on database in case other situations develop. It’s like a piece of a jigsaw. I read that parents are screaming at a child every day, that’s not normal and nothing to do with language, it’s abuse.[/quote]
Your posts do read very naively, no one over the age of twelve would think one call = child taken away.

My point is reporting is important but not to be undertaken lightly.

Inform SS.

If its innocent then a social worker gets sent out, they feel like shit, are annoyed with you.

If it's not innocent, a kid gets saved from an abusive home. Or, a struggling family get support when they aren't coping.

I think a really disturbing thing is that every time a child is in the news after being abused and/or murdered by their parents, their neighbours often say they had concerns, but never said anything. If they'd said something then maybe the kid could have been helped.

What often happens is that one concern is just part of the jigsaw. Another parent at school may have mentioned something to the school, the child may have divulged information to a teacher or other child. Put together it can be raised with the relevant organisations. It’s not our job to decide but it is our job to flag up worrying behaviour.