What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

@amispeakingenglish

Sat09

You have issues. OP didn't even mention race. People of the same race can speak a different language. It is you that started on about colour etc. It is none of your business what people do when they go out or who they have sex with and you can't dump your cultural restrictions and expectations on others. Live & let live. Stop judging just because our culture is different to yours. I have never understood why people come to live in a country where they know values are different and then complain. If I went to live in France or wherever it would be because I like their way of life etc, not because I want to be more English than those living in England (yes I know all about expats in Spain, never learning Spanish etc. Awful) Many people come here to earn money and have no respect for our culture and way of life, this is not nice. I find your post so judgemental, self righteous and pious, who do you think you are????????????????? You are awful. I have friends from many different countries and races, none are like you. Thank god.

I have issues????? OP didnt mention race. So why did OP say they speak very little English then? Doesn't take a genius to figure out that the neighbours are not English. They speak in a foreign language. Then OP needs to do the neighbourly thing and go and knock on the neighbours door to talk to them. Why ask random people their opinions?

OP said that they speak another language, not me.

I agree its none of my business if people choose to have unprotected casual sex on a drunken night out, which leads them to catch STDs or even a pregnancy. Its their choice after all.
If they are happy to live like this, thats good for them.

I'm not judging. For your information. I am happy for them.

You can't understand why people like me come to England from back home and then complain.

People do not have to embrace what goes against their morals or religion. We all have a choice.

I was born in England so don't bother saying 'these people come over here to England and complain.'

I didnt arrive here I was born here.

You make it sound like Asylum seekers are your average person looking to immigrate to Britain for fun.
Can you imagine if it was you? A foreign country came to Britain dropping bombs on peoples homes, killing peoples families and destroying their homes? Leaving you with nothing? Loved ones killed? Wouldn't you want to go and live in their country? Where they live comfortably? After they take away everything you ever had? When you have nothing left?

Did you know Britain invaded so many countries around the world, extracting the good things to make profit, killing innocent people in their own countries, turning it into a war zone and a country in ruins, and people lose their homes, families too. They are left with nothing.
Britain made them homeless when they blew peoples families up and their homes too with bombs.
That is the reason why they want to come to Britain.
It is Britain who did this to them.
So they come to Britain to seek Asylum here. Its only fair that Britain rehouses these people.
Britain granted them Asylum because they are fully aware that they did this to them aswell, otherwise it would not happen.

If you were to ask these people, many would say they were happy and had everything until Britain went in there dropping bombs on them. Many dont want to come here but they have no choice. (made homeless)

Many people come to England and do respect the culture but choose to not participate in certain ways of living.
Many foreign people in England are disrespected, verbally and physically harmed for being different. If you dont know ask them.

My family knows all about England in the 1960s. Groups of white men used to go out looking for any Asians to assault. They used to call it p bashing. Meaning they would purposely go out with the intention to assault any Indian, Pakistani, etc for no reason whatsoever. They didn't deserve that.
You are nuts my friend. You insult me, calling me awful. You dont even know me at all. You got hold of the wrong end of the stick and got carried away.
You dont know half my family consists of English people.
The way you judge and assume is insensitive. Name calling etc.
You must be the descendant of these p bashers yourself!!!!
.

You could always mention it to the neighbours and see what they say. I mean if it's innocent they will likely try and be cautious over their volume if it carries on after you've mentioned it then there's no harm in reporting them

[quote ilovesouthlondon]@amispeakingenglish

Did Sat09 say he/ she came here? I assumed he/she was born here. When it comes to going abroad and imposing your culture on others, the British really should stay silent on that score.
I think that Sat09 has become very emotional but from whats being said it's clearly from his/her experiences of racism in Great Britain. I dont think OP is being racist but neither is Sat09. I know some people love to try to pin reverse racism on people who call out what they have been through, but that is not how racism works...[/quote]
Thank you.

Yes, It is reverse racism.

I talk of my personal lexperience, and I'm the one who is accused of being racist?!

Those who choose to bash me when i talk of racism inflicted upon me and my family are either ignorant to what i have said or are plain racist themselves.

How can somebody sympathise with something they have never had to endure?

Why else would they call a victim of racism a racist?

Ignorance is bliss.

Where is the logic?

It is Very insensitive and cruel.

If you are concerned report it.

I have a severely autistic 11 year old and even though we've a strict morning routine we stick too in order to keep him on track most mornings he's an absolute beast.

He's not a morning person and we have at best;grumbling,being forgetful and the odd raised voice because he's away with the fairies and not listening and at worse;full on screaming,shouting,crying,banging around,refusing to do anything (him) and he's so unbelievably argumentative;by the time we've got him into his school transport at 8am it feels like we've done a mornings work already as it's mentally exhausting.

My daughter has ASD and she has regular meltdowns and frequent screaming matches. They can last for hours. Nobody outside the home would say she is autistic as she masks very very well - then explodes at home. It could be this?

If it's any consolation, I've lived in a flat above a woman works as a prostitute for 5 years. Her fake orgasms are incredibly loud but incredibly unconvincing. You get used to the screams

I dont think you ever get used to a child screaming nor should you

Someone reported my brother’s family during the first lockdown. My niece was and still is being assessed for sensory processing issues inc Aspergers. It was so distressing for the family. Please do not do this.

Yes but it sounds like most of the screaming is done by the adults.

If your child has problems why would you not explain this fact to your neighbours. My next door neighbour has two small children one of which is rather a handful. I know this and understand the noise and situation. But as op is not able to work out what is being said it's a difficult situation

Report your concerns OP. If this situation is consistent the child is being regularly subjected to ongoing distress. In my area, Social Workers in adult teams are conducting most of their initial contact via phone calls. I’m not sure about children & family teams. Your area may be different but it would probably be an initial phone call. To the people who are saying stay out of it, please don’t, safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility. If you’re concerned about it please just pick up the phone or report via online portal on your county council website. Family abuse has increased hugely during lockdown. 😔

Just to add its human nature to find this sort of thing difficult & attempt to rationalise by finding an explanation.....’it might be SEN or LD or ASD’. Unless we know for sure, it’s not up to us to reach that conclusion. It may also be child abuse. There have been innumerable cases where people ‘didn’t want to interfere, felt uneasy or knew things weren’t right’ We should all be learning from these lessons by now. 👍

I had my dcs paternal grandmother made constant false reports to social services over the years, it almost broke me but it’s ruined my DCs childhood because of the constant vindictive need for revenge from her. She still to this day rants and rages about me and DC have decided to cut contact with all of them.
Her son / DC dad is a violent abuser and was arrested because of it, my fault of course.

She works in ‘the system’, so knew exactly what the impact would be and had colleagues write false reports. Social services believed her as she said all the right things so my view of their ineptitude is very negative as they will go for an easy target and leave the harder cases hence the tragic stories which have already been mentioned. Took over a decade for ‘the truth to come out’ , and the attitude is oh well he’s not a great dad but you’ve been there all along so well done you. The rage I feel every day is all consuming because those years have been stolen and not just by the grandmother, who is also an alcoholic as well as a raging lunatic but by the shamble that is social services.

DC self harms and is a wreck, I am on medication and completely traumatised.

So for those of you saying no harm done, I find that offensive and very naive.

So what should she do

From another point of view, if you are not a citizen and staying in the country on a visa, any kind of record indicating you are not of a good character would result in a rejection for indefinite leave to remain/citizenship application. So they may have to return to their home country at the end. But you must also prove you have a certain level of English language skills to be able to remain in the country long term so I really doubt they don’t speak English at all. I’d still go to their door first, or give a note at least so they can use google translate and have an idea.

Still, I believe something must be done to protect the child, this doesn’t sound normal.

@Sat09 think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick here!

OP I would say report if your concerned. I think there is an obvious difference between loud/shouty conversation and aggressive screaming and shouting. Doesn’t matter what race/ethnic background someone is from if it doesn’t sound right then it’s probably not!

If I really wasn’t sure I personally would be inclined to record it and then ask someone you know who speaks the same/similar language to translate it.

I would make some enquiries with them first and see if you can make a decision on that. The school will know if the child is acting up so there could already be knowledge of this somewhere in the system. I would report if I was worried, I couldn't let it go if a child was abused. This amount of shouting sounds a concern at the least and at the worst could be some terrible abuse.

I think it is not only right to report this, but really vital that you do. How would you feel if you were going through hell with your husband and then taking it out on your DD and she was distressed as you describe.You could be preventing child abuse and you might, on the more positive side be helping the woman to get the help she needs.
We have the, 'Oh dear, can't be nosy parkers' thing, but I worked in this area long ago and I, too, had a neighbour whose screaming little boy worried me sick. We told the police and also Barnados. They sorted it out. I don't know what happened but the little boy became much happier and the rows stopped.

Honestly OP, please don’t take this the wrong way but you don’t have children so you have no idea what it is like to be a parent.

My daughter is 8 going on 9, and is bad tempered, rude, moody and is experiencing hormonal surges. We have daily shouting matches sometimes. Please don’t jump to conclusions and report the family, unless you think the child is in serious danger.

Something you see a lot on Mumsnet is people who can't be bothered to make the slightest effort to get to know their neighbours. Reporting anonymously is so easy. Actually getting to know people and treating them like human beings requires a bit of humanity.

@tinybuddha

Honestly OP, please don’t take this the wrong way but you don’t have children so you have no idea what it is like to be a parent.

My daughter is 8 going on 9, and is bad tempered, rude, moody and is experiencing hormonal surges. We have daily shouting matches sometimes. Please don’t jump to conclusions and report the family, unless you think the child is in serious danger.

No parent should be having daily shouting matches. Nobody's perfect of course but if you genuinely find yourself in a tit for tat yelling session with your young child on a regular basis then you need to pause and take stock. May I suggest having a read of "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk"?

@Goingtothebudgies

Something you see a lot on Mumsnet is people who can't be bothered to make the slightest effort to get to know their neighbours. Reporting anonymously is so easy. Actually getting to know people and treating them like human beings requires a bit of humanity.

If you suspect child abuse, then call a social worker. If a child is being abused, what's the virtue of getting to know your neighbours?

There's shouting - every day or 2, once and for 20 minutes. Not exactly a clear case of child abuse, is it? At an age when a lot of children are difficult.
Get to know them. Get to know the child. Offer help if they need some.

Sometimes people could actually do with some friendly, neighbourly support. Which isn't even available from Social Services.