What am I hearing from nextdoor neighbours?

[worriedneighbour1]

DH and I moved into new home around a year ago. We have neighbours on one side; Husband, Wife and one DD (approx 8 years old).

Before the first UK lockdown, we'd frequently hear Wife and DD having morning screaming matches lasting 20 minutes or so, very regularly, maybe 3 times a week. DH reckoned it sounded like stressful school routine. It woke us up what feels like a million times.

Things quietened down for a bit, but have really taken off again in the last couple of months. We hear screaming/shouting/banging, almost every day or every other day. Especially upstairs in the mornings and evenings. The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up.

The problem is it's mostly all in another language so we can't tell if it's something like "I've told you a thousand times to get your shoes on!" or something worse.

It just sounds so alarming to me, especially when the husband joins in, which happens less often. Monthly perhaps.

We didn't have anything like this in my house when I grew up. Occasional tantrums and some arguing between DPs, but nothing like this and not almost every day.

DH and I dont have any DCs so are trying to figure out what's 'normal.'

I'm not aware of any learning difficulties. We don't know them very well at all with the language barrier, just friendly hellos over the fence.

AIBU to report it (to who!?) or could this be normal?

@FirstOfficerDouglas

Neighbours spying on neighbours. Horrible. You have no idea what is going on. All you have heard is a noisy family in the mornings.

And if someone reported your DH for spying on the little girl next door - do you still think it would be harmless? "It may be completely innocent of course but we have seen him watching the little girl and we just wanted someone to check it out - you know - to be sure there was nothing untoward going on"

It is horrible when the Authorities visit. It is stressful and intimidating. You feel judged and on edge. No smoke without fire and all that. A record is made.

As other say - get to know them instead.

No wonder so much child abuse goes undetected. Here is a parent screaming at her daughter for sustained periods every day. That in itself is shit parenting if you can’t control your temper at all to the extent that you scream daily at a kid who is crying and distressed. I wonder what it actually would take for people on this thread to think reporting is appropriate.

Can you record it if its that loud? Nobody has a clue what's going on with your neighbours so I don't see an issue having a word with SS. Play the recording as an example to them. I also have very loud neighbours but they are grownups and basically don't give a hoot about others!

I wish someone had called SS out for me when I was a child...

This.

It’s fine to say that it might cause stress and embarrassment if it is nothing, and I hope it is. But sometimes it’s not, and I couldn’t live with that on my conscience. I’d be failing the me that prayed for someone to call SS for us. Nobody did.

Even if there’s nothing major or abusive going on, daily shouting might require support.

As other say - get to know them instead

This isn't a bad idea but won't really help in determining whether the child is being abused or not.

@Edgeoftheledge

The child could be autistic

FFS! I might have known that autism would have been thrown in somewhere.

My mother used to scream and shout at us constantly and my father used to bear us. I wish to god someone had stepped in and saved us from years of mental and physical torture.

The child doesn’t need to be autistic to have shit parents. Some parents are just crap full stop. OP, if you have concerns then report it to social services. If they decide to visit they can make the assessment on risk to the child and offer support to the parents if it is needed.

• beat

I shout at my 8yo sometimes. Mainly because every request is met by him shouting, awwww it's not faaaaiiirrr and complaints as to why he shouldn't get dressed, brush his teeth, hang up his coat.Shouting seems to be the only thing that cuts through the arm crossing, I'm not doing it till I have an hour on the computer nonsense

And surely if the child is autistic, that would be even worse if the mum was screaming at her daily. That would suggest that she doesn’t know how to meet her child’s needs.

Maybe the mother has dementia...

@Sheleg

Maybe the mother has dementia...

In that extremely unlikely scenario, SS should definitely get involved because she would need extensive support.

The DD really screams and crys and sometimes sounds very worked up

If she's actually screaming that's cause for concern. If you just mean upset shouting then less so. And if it's actual abuse I'd ask myself why only in the run up getting ready for school? Unfortunately constant shouting is normal in many families. Constant screaming less so.

I’ve lived in this apartment since September and my neighbour has regular sessions of banshee screaming at her daughters. Homework seems to be one of the triggers (“NINE TIMES SEVEN, NINE TIMES SEVEN!!!”) but it’s usually bullying, shouting abuse accompanied by sobbing from whichever daughter is the target at the time. DS, who lived in the house before us, says it was happening regularly even before lockdown, so it’s an ongoing pattern of abuse.
It is very distressing.

Last week I couldn’t stand it and banged on the wall, shouting that I was about to call the police, that nobody should treat their child like that.
Of course I didn’t but I DID research what I should do to report it in future. Which I fully intend to do.

Things went very quiet.
Three days later she was back to screaming at her children in another room, away from our dividing wall. Very devious of her.

OP, child abusers are not stupid. Do not take the law into your own hands. Find out the methods to report and leave the professionals to do their job.

I'm surprised at people saying to ignore it. There seems to be thx view that because it's a different language that perhaps it's just the way they communicate. When you hear high profile cases there's always the question of why nobody reported anything.

Daniel Pelka, Victoria Climbie, Baby P - people must have noticed something? Why didn't things get reported?

I can’t believe some of the responses on this thread!
If the OP had said my next door neighbours husband shouts at her everyday and I can hear her crying and screaming back then posters would be screaming out domestic abuse!

It’s actually upsetting that so many people think screaming and shouting at a child every single day is normal. It’s not. It’s abuse. I would go round and knock on the door. Say in a nice way that you and your husband are being disturbed constantly by the noise. Ask if they need help. If it continues, call the NsPCC for advice and let the school know if you know where the child goes to school. Ask to speak to someone in the safeguarding team.

I don’t understand the people that are saying ‘this is normal’ and ‘the child may have ASD’. I have 2 dc with ASD but we don’t all shout at each other in the morning, in-fact I rarely shout at them at all because that would cause them more stress and probably make them cry/shout even more, dd2 has meltdowns but they involve her shouting, I never shout back at her.

Yes it maybe they are struggling to get their dd motivated in the morning but the shouting isn’t normal and isn’t needed. As you don’t know what they are saying I would be concerned and would be tempted to report it, the child sounds stressed and upset. How would you feel if you found out that child was being abused and you didn’t do anything?

Some of you are fools, the morning routine for any family is stressful. OP is being nosey because they cannot understand the language, please address you ignorance people. Yes I previously worked for Local authority with a parent as an SEN leader in social services. You guys are being far too aggressive.

@GoLightlyontheEarth

It’s actually upsetting that so many people think screaming and shouting at a child every single day is normal. It’s not. It’s abuse. I would go round and knock on the door. Say in a nice way that you and your husband are being disturbed constantly by the noise. Ask if they need help. If it continues, call the NsPCC for advice and let the school know if you know where the child goes to school. Ask to speak to someone in the safeguarding team.

If your going to report it, I really wouldn't go round first and complain about the noise and ask if they want help .

If you know the child's school I'd give them a ring and raise your concerns.

@Mally2020

Some of you are fools, the morning routine for any family is stressful. OP is being nosey because they cannot understand the language, please address you ignorance people. Yes I previously worked for Local authority with a parent as an SEN leader in social services. You guys are being far too aggressive.

If your morning routine involves you screaming at your kids on a daily basis and them crying and distressed then your kids will probably be part of the many adults who look back on a shit and abusive childhood. If you can’t keep your temper in check and lose it every day, try to get some help for your own and your kids’ sake. Oh and I don’t for a minute think you worked for social services in a child protection capacity because you wouldn’t come out with horseshit like that if you had.

legally agree - children are expected to tolerate more than adults.

The thing is we don't know.
If you are concerned the child is being abused (emotionally or physically) you must report it. You don't have to know, how could you, but if you are concerned I would report to school or social services.
Imagine if you did nothing and the child is being abused.

mally if OP hadn't mentioned the different language would you feel the same? Are children in some cultures supposed to accept this just because they're 'more shouty'?

My neighbours would say my children have no learning difficulties too, but dd1 has ADHD and it can be incredibly hard to get her to do anything. She is very emotional at times, there can be a lot of shouting and crying. She also loves to slam doors and stomp up the stairs, which share a wall with the neighbours. I'm sure they hear us 😳

Not saying it is all innocent, but just saying you wouldn't necessarily know if there were other issues.

@Mally2020

Some of you are fools, the morning routine for any family is stressful. OP is being nosey because they cannot understand the language, please address you ignorance people. Yes I previously worked for Local authority with a parent as an SEN leader in social services. You guys are being far too aggressive.

You should know better, you’re the fool.